April 8, 2013
By DONALD RUMSFELD, FORMER SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
With American troops scheduled to leave Afghanistan in December of 2014, we are going in a dangerous direction in the Middle East, leaving that country in a perilous position in the region, the Afghans floundering for direction, and our standing in the world in question. The timing of the move is also incredibly troubling. President Obama has made the decision to remove troops just as we’re finally within reach of achieving the goal me and the Bush administration set forth from the beginning: leaving our troops in that country until the end of time.
We have already made the same mistake in Iraq. After already spending a trillion dollars and expending thousands of American lives, the only logical thing to do would have been to leave our military there to see the conflict through to the end, which of course doesn’t exist.
March 26, 2013
|VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS REPORTEDLY CHATROULETTE USER "JOEBVP69."|
White House insiders have confirmed that in a closed-door session, President Barack Obama asked Vice President Joe Biden to close his Chatroulette account “immediately,” after several reports reached the Oval Office regarding Mr. Biden’s sometimes questionable use of the service.
March 22, 2013
|PETER JACKSON IS TURNING THE SECOND ACT OF THE HOBBIT INTO A TRILOGY.|
Filmmaker Peter Jackson, while doing press for the DVD and Blu-ray release of his most recent film, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, announced that he is planning on turning the second film in the Hobbit franchise into three separate films of their own.
March 12, 2013
By VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
The papal conclave that starts today is sure to be one bitchin’ party. Talk about a shindig: robes that go all the way down to the floor, endless supplies of red wine, and the coolest hats in the business of God. Anybody that’s anybody would want to get down and get their drink on in that classy palace for a few days — hell, maybe months. Did you know the longest conclave lasted two-and-a-half years!? That puts even some of the times I had with the Stones back in ‘82 to shame.
Not like I can get an invite. Yeah, me, the VP, baby! They won’t even take my calls. The guest list for these things must be filled out decades in advance. Or maybe you have to already own one of those hats to get in.
March 1, 2013
|CLYDESDALES ARE SUSPECTED OF NOT ONLY BEING A MAJOR PART OF BUDWEISER'S AD CAMPAIGN, BUT OF THEIR BREWING PROCESS AS WELL.|
On the heels of a horse meat scandal rocking Europe, Anheuser-Busch InBev, the world’s largest brewer, now faces accusations that their beer contains the urine of horses. Distributors and consumers in all fifty states have complained that the company’s brands — including Budweiser, Michelob, Busch and Natural — have for years contained the distinct flavor of horse piss. “There’s no other way to explain the taste of this beer,” said beer drinker Samuel Greenberg, who said he purchases a six-pack of Bud Light on a weekly basis. “It’s pretty gross, but I’m only drinking it to get drunk.” In a statement released last week, Peter Kraemer, vice president of brewing and supply, called the accusations “groundless.” He continued: “We proudly adhere to the highest standards in brewing our beers, which have made them the best-selling in the U.S. and the world." The company, he says, “follows the same family recipe used by five generations of brewmasters, and has never included any horse piss. It just tastes that way.”
November 12, 2012
|NEW YORK GIANTS QUARTERBACK ELI MANNING REITERATING HIS WISH THAT MAMA'S FAMILY RERUNS WERE STILL ON TV.|
CINCINNATI, OH — Following Sunday’s 31-13 loss to the Bengals in which Eli Manning was sacked four times and threw two interceptions, the embattled New York Giants quarterback asserted that he thought season 3 was the best season of Mama’s Family, the sitcom that ran from 1983-1990 on NBC and in syndication.
November 9, 2012
By PAUL RYAN, FORMER VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
In the fine tradition of American democracy, over a hundred and twenty million voters headed to the polls on Tuesday to choose the next president of the United States and to set a new path going forward into our collective future. Just promise me that you won’t tell me how it ended, because I DVR’d it and won’t have a chance to watch it until tonight.
Normally, I would have watched it live, but I had a pretty intense abs workout on Tuesday, and after a short jog all I really wanted to do was veg out and catch up on the last few episodes of Breaking Amish, which were excellent, by the way.
November 6, 2012
By MITT ROMNEY, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
I understand that this is normally where I’m supposed to concede to my opponent, with no conceivable way for me to pick up the Electoral College votes that it would take to be elected president. But, this time, let’s do something different.
Here’s the deal I’m offering you, President Obama: I will give you this one if you agree to go 2 out of 3 with me. We can stop counting the votes right now, declare you the winner of the first election, and we’ll start running again immediately. This has been a lot of fun, so why don’t we just keep it going for a couple more quick elections?
One-and-done is a pretty stupid way to pick a president anyway, don’t you think? Let’s have another debate next week, and everyone can vote again before Thanksgiving, and if we need to do a third, we’ll knock it out before Christmas.
This is pretty easy to do, if you think about it. Surely you can squeeze this into your schedule. What do you say? …
Would it helped if I begged? Please, I need this. It’s all I know.
October 26, 2012
Are You Better Off Today Than You Were Four Years Ago When You Were Preparing For the Collapse of Society?
By MITT ROMNEY, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
America is faced with a stark decision on November 6th, one that will change the course of our nation for a generation. When making your choice for president, it’s important to ask yourself one important question before heading to the polling place: Are you better off today than you were four years ago when you were preparing for the collapse of society?
President Obama can’t run on his record because he’s led this country to high unemployment, massive debt, and economic uncertainty. Compare that to when his term began, and you had a wonderfully stocked pantry full of canned goods, dehydrated food, rolls and rolls of duct tape, and brand-new gas masks.
October 23, 2012
Adjudicators with the Guinness Book of World Records have confirmed that syndicated columnist and political commentator Ann Coulter set a new world record for cuntiness during the third and last presidential debate last night. Ms. Coulter surpassed the previous record with a series of tweets that culminated in a statement in which she called President Barack Obama a “retard.” Guinness officials said that the accumulated cuntiness of her career, which began in the late 1990’s, became the largest of all time shortly after the controversial tweet. Previous record holder Tucker Carlson released a statement congratulating Ms. Coulter. “It’s an honor to lose my title to Ann,” the statement read. “She’s a total cunt.” Guinness officials are expected to rule by tomorrow on whether or not Mr. Carlson’s statement puts him back in the lead.