July 25, 2013

Thousands Rally In Support of Zimmerman Trial Dummy

DEFENSE ATTORNEY MARK O'MARA TOOK NO MERCY ON THE DUMMY.


In the wake George Zimmerman trial, in which he was acquitted of all charges in the killing of unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin, thousands of Americans have taken to the streets to protest the brutal and savage beating taken by the black-foam courtroom dummy over the course of the proceedings at the hands of Zimmerman defense attorney Mark O’Mara.

July 20, 2013

Kate Middleton Gives Birth to Minotaur

KATE MIDDLETON IS THE PROUD MOTHER OF THE FUTURE MINOTAUR KING OF ENGLAND.


April 8, 2013

We Can't Leave Afghanistan Now When We're So Close to Achieving Our Goal of Staying There Forever


By DONALD RUMSFELD, FORMER SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

With American troops scheduled to leave Afghanistan in December of 2014, we are going in a dangerous direction in the Middle East, leaving that country in a perilous position in the region, the Afghans floundering for direction, and our standing in the world in question. The timing of the move is also incredibly troubling. President Obama has made the decision to remove troops just as we’re finally within reach of achieving the goal me and the Bush administration set forth from the beginning: leaving our troops in that country until the end of time.

We have already made the same mistake in Iraq. After already spending a trillion dollars and expending thousands of American lives, the only logical thing to do would have been to leave our military there to see the conflict through to the end, which of course doesn’t exist.

March 26, 2013

White House Asks Biden to Close His Chatroulette Account

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS REPORTEDLY CHATROULETTE USER "JOEBVP69."


White House insiders have confirmed that in a closed-door session, President Barack Obama asked Vice President Joe Biden to close his Chatroulette account “immediately,” after several reports reached the Oval Office regarding Mr. Biden’s sometimes questionable use of the service.

March 22, 2013

Peter Jackson Announces Plans to Release Second Hobbit Film as Three Separate Movies

PETER JACKSON IS TURNING THE SECOND ACT OF THE HOBBIT INTO A TRILOGY.


Filmmaker Peter Jackson, while doing press for the DVD and Blu-ray release of his most recent film, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, announced that he is planning on turning the second film in the Hobbit franchise into three separate films of their own.

March 12, 2013

The New Pope Is Gonna Get So Much Poontang


By VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

The papal conclave that starts today is sure to be one bitchin’ party. Talk about a shindig: robes that go all the way down to the floor, endless supplies of red wine, and the coolest hats in the business of God. Anybody that’s anybody would want to get down and get their drink on in that classy palace for a few days — hell, maybe months. Did you know the longest conclave lasted two-and-a-half years!? That puts even some of the times I had with the Stones back in ‘82 to shame.

Not like I can get an invite. Yeah, me, the VP, baby! They won’t even take my calls. The guest list for these things must be filled out decades in advance. Or maybe you have to already own one of those hats to get in.

March 1, 2013

AB InBev Fends Off Accusations of Horse Piss-Tainted Beer

CLYDESDALES ARE SUSPECTED OF NOT ONLY BEING A MAJOR PART OF BUDWEISER'S AD CAMPAIGN, BUT OF THEIR BREWING PROCESS AS WELL.


On the heels of a horse meat scandal rocking Europe, Anheuser-Busch InBev, the world’s largest brewer, now faces accusations that their beer contains the urine of horses. Distributors and consumers in all fifty states have complained that the company’s brands — including Budweiser, Michelob, Busch and Natural — have for years contained the distinct flavor of horse piss. “There’s no other way to explain the taste of this beer,” said beer drinker Samuel Greenberg, who said he purchases a six-pack of Bud Light on a weekly basis. “It’s pretty gross, but I’m only drinking it to get drunk.” In a statement released last week, Peter Kraemer, vice president of brewing and supply, called the accusations “groundless.” He continued: “We proudly adhere to the highest standards in brewing our beers, which have made them the best-selling in the U.S. and the world." The company, he says, “follows the same family recipe used by five generations of brewmasters, and has never included any horse piss. It just tastes that way.”





November 12, 2012

Eli Manning: 'Mama's Family Really Hit Its Stride in Season 3'

NEW YORK GIANTS QUARTERBACK ELI MANNING REITERATING HIS WISH THAT MAMA'S FAMILY RERUNS WERE STILL ON TV.


CINCINNATI, OH — Following Sunday’s 31-13 loss to the Bengals in which Eli Manning was sacked four times and threw two interceptions, the embattled New York Giants quarterback asserted that he thought season 3 was the best season of Mama’s Family, the sitcom that ran from 1983-1990 on NBC and in syndication.

November 9, 2012

I DVR'd the Election, So Don't Tell Me How It Ends, Okay?


By PAUL RYAN, FORMER VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

In the fine tradition of American democracy, over a hundred and twenty million voters headed to the polls on Tuesday to choose the next president of the United States and to set a new path going forward into our collective future. Just promise me that you won’t tell me how it ended, because I DVR’d it and won’t have a chance to watch it until tonight.

Normally, I would have watched it live, but I had a pretty intense abs workout on Tuesday, and after a short jog all I really wanted to do was veg out and catch up on the last few episodes of Breaking Amish, which were excellent, by the way.

November 6, 2012

How About 2 Out of 3?


By MITT ROMNEY, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

I understand that this is normally where I’m supposed to concede to my opponent, with no conceivable way for me to pick up the Electoral College votes that it would take to be elected president. But, this time, let’s do something different.

Here’s the deal I’m offering you, President Obama: I will give you this one if you agree to go 2 out of 3 with me. We can stop counting the votes right now, declare you the winner of the first election, and we’ll start running again immediately. This has been a lot of fun, so why don’t we just keep it going for a couple more quick elections?

One-and-done is a pretty stupid way to pick a president anyway, don’t you think? Let’s have another debate next week, and everyone can vote again before Thanksgiving, and if we need to do a third, we’ll knock it out before Christmas.

This is pretty easy to do, if you think about it. Surely you can squeeze this into your schedule. What do you say? …

Would it helped if I begged? Please, I need this. It’s all I know.