November 22, 2011

Apartment 3ers Looking Forward to Trampling Fellow Shoppers to Death on Black Friday

FOR MOST APARTMENT 3ERS, BLACK FRIDAY IS THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO BE A PART OF AN ANGRY MOB.


Jen Sally-Wag, a teacher and longtime Apartment 3er, has been taking advantage of Black Friday sales since she was a child.

“My mother and I used to get up hours before dawn,” she said. “It’s the only way to take advantage of all the hottest deals. And to make sure you’ve got a good spot in the mob for when it’s time to trample people to death.”

November 21, 2011

Study: Obesity Epidemic Linked To Delicious, Delicious Food

SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THERE MAY BE A CORRELATION BETWEEN INSANELY FAT PEOPLE AND THE EXISTENCE OF BACON-CHEESEBURGER PIZZA.


In a landmark study released on Monday, researchers with the American Obesity Institute have discovered a link between the country’s escalating obesity epidemic and fabulously delicious food.

November 18, 2011

My Record of Hand-Job Creation Speaks for Itself


By HERMAN CAIN, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

The tough issue facing America today is the economy. Whether your family is having trouble paying the mortgage, falling behind on student loans, or even finding it difficult to fill up your gas tank, millions of people are struggling.

To bring prosperity back to our country, it’s time we got serious about job growth. To reach full employment we are going to have to come up with more than twenty million jobs, a daunting task in any economic environment.

October 26, 2011

Wall Street Executives Stage 'Occupy Walmart' Demonstrations

WALL STREET BANKERS HAD THEIR BUTLERS AND SERVANTS SAVE SPACE IN THE MORNING FOR THEIR PROTEST LATER.


NEWINGTON, CT -- Police officials managed to keep the peace at a local Walmart parking lot on Monday after nearly a dozen top Wall Street executives staged a protest against what they are calling “unfair access to the lowest prices. Always.”

October 12, 2011

Hobo Technology Is Not As Advanced As You Think


By COCHRAN, TOWN DRUNK

A whole lot has changed since my early days as the town drunk of Apartment 3. When I first got here, the weed-heads were still using collapsed beer cans to smoke their stash, as opposed to the solar-powered immersion-tank hookahs they’re using now.

Me? I used to sleep on a giant-sized hunk of packing foam, right over there under the dining room table where a land-line telephone used to be. Yeah, those were the days.

October 7, 2011

Palin Backs Out of House-Sitting Commitment Only Three Days Before It Was to Start

SARAH PALIN COULD NOT KEEP HER COMMITMENT TO HOUSE-SIT BECAUSE OF "STUFF."


ANN ARBOR, MI -- According to sources within the Drifting Pines neighborhood in this mid-western college town, former Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has indicated she will be backing out of a commitment she had made to house-sit for the Inderman famliy of 2132 Forest Crest Circle only three days before their vacation was set to begin.

October 3, 2011

Vatican Unveils First-Ever Abstinence Glory Hole

VISITORS TO THE VATICAN WAIT FOR HOURS ON END TO EXPERIENCE THE "HOLIEST OF HOLES."


VATICAN CITY -- On Sunday the Vatican celebrated the Grand Opening of the world’s first so-called “abstinence glory hole” with a lavish ceremony in Saint Peter’s Square attended by Pope Benedict XVI himself.

September 26, 2011

Ripper Uses the Power of Sports Gambling to Make $1000 Vanish Into Thin Air

RIPPER, WEARING THE SHIRT THAT HE WOULD LATER LOSE OFF HIS BACK. 


Using only the power of gambling, Apartment 3 degenerate Ripper, over the course of just the first three weeks of football season, was able to turn a bank-roll of just over $1000 into exactly $0, all while having absolutely, fucking nothing to show for it.

September 9, 2011

Romney Touts His List of Republican Talking Points as the Most-Recently Photocopied

MITT ROMNEY'S OLD IDEAS HAVE BEEN COMMITTED TO BRAND NEW PAPER.


NORTH LAS VEGAS, NV -- On Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney unveiled his copy of well-worn Republican talking points to members of the media and supporters of his presidential campaign.

September 8, 2011

Robertson: Texas Wildfires Punishment for Rick Perry's Vasectomy

PAT ROBERTSON CLAIMS THAT GOD'S PREFERRED FORM OF COMMUNICATION WITH THE HUMAN RACE IS NATURAL DISASTERS.


Televangelist Pat Robertson said on Wednesday’s 700 Club that the wildfires blazing across the state of Texas are God’s way of punishing the state for electing their vasectomised governor, Rick Perry.

August 25, 2011

Apple To Integrate Steve Jobs's DNA Into OS X

THE GENETIC INFORMATION OF STEVE JOBS WILL LIVE ON FOREVER INSIDE ALL APPLE PRODUCTS FROM NOW ON.


SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Following the surprise announcement that Apple’s co-founder and visionary CEO was resigning due to health concerns, the Cupertino, CA, company unveiled plans to incorporate Mr. Jobs’s deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, into the next versions of their operating systems, OS X and iOS.

August 24, 2011

Cochran Can't Stop Watching Top Chef Marathon

COCHRAN HAS NOT LEFT THE COUCH IN HOURS.


When town drunk Cochran was making his morning plans, he thought he would start off the day with a little television-watching.

August 23, 2011

Obama Finishes a Disappointing Last in Iowa State Fair Pie-Eating Contest

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA ONLY MANAGED TO EAT TWO ENTIRE PIES.


DES MOINES, IA -- President Barack Obama has finished in last place in the Iowa State Fair’s annual pie-eating contest, throwing into doubt his bid to become the 2012 National Pie-Eating Champion.

July 28, 2011

Nation Teeters on Brink of Economic Collapse as Netflix Subscription Rates Soar

THE RECENT RISE IN THE PRICE OF A NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION HAS PUT THE THREAT OF AN ECONOMIC CALAMITY IN THE BALANCE.


With the United States economy remaining sluggish, almost-incomprehensible levels of national debt strangling the budget, and the unemployment rate hovering around 9%, the financial state of the union would seem unable to take another blow.

July 13, 2011

Google+ Free of Parents, For Now

GOOGLE IS TAKING FACEBOOK HEAD-ON WITH THEIR NEW SOCIAL NETWORK WHICH, SO FAR, NOBODY'S PARENTS HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT YET.


Internet powerhouse Google is taking dead aim at rival Facebook. Last month the Mountain View, CA, company debuted a new social networking site, dubbed Google+, intended to draw away at least some of Facebook’s estimated 750 million users.

July 8, 2011

Newt Gingrich Still Waiting For a Table at Perkins

NEWT GINGRICH HOPES HIS PARTY OF SIX WILL GET SEATED SOON SO THAT THEY WILL HAVE TIME FOR PEANUT BUTTER SILK PIE.


CORALVILLE, IA -- Former Republican Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, has been waiting nearly an hour for a table at Coralville’s Perkins Restaurant & Bakery on 1st Avenue at the corner of 9th Street.

July 7, 2011

Cochran Cashes In Can Collection, Instantly Becomes Tenth-Richest Apartment 3er

TOWN DRUNK COCHRAN MUST NOW REBUILD HIS EMPIRE FROM SCRATCH NOW THAT HE'S CASHED IN HIS CANS.


It's a sure sign that the economic downturn is serious when it begins to effect even those who have been jobless for years.

July 5, 2011

Glenn Beck Returns to Swamp

GLENN BECK HAS LEFT FOX NEWS TO RETURN TO THE DARK, SOGGY COMFORTS OF THE SWAMP HE CAME FROM.

Failed comedian Glenn Beck broadcast the final episode of his eponymous Fox News Channel program on Thursday, assuring viewers that he hasn't been forced out at the network. Instead, he said, he will finally be returning to the sodden and desolate swampland from whence he came.

Mr. Beck's relationship with Fox News president Roger Ailes and News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch has been rocky for most of his two-and-a-half years since he joined the company.

Glenn Beck regularly drew more than two million viewers per episode, a huge number for a cable news channel. For much of his time at Fox, however, Mr. Beck ran afoul of advertisers who chose by the hundreds to steer clear of his controversial jabberings and rants.

Mr. Beck says that any quarrels he may have had with Fox News brass or advertisers was not the cause of his decision to leave cable television for the murky confines of his one true home, the swamp.

"I'd like to thank everyone at this network for their trust," Mr. Beck said during his farewell how. “It’s just that the time has come for me to go back to where I belong.”

Mr. Beck’s swamp of choice is the Atchafalaya Basin, located in south-central Louisiana where the Atchafalaya River meets the Gulf of Mexico. He is particularly suited to that area thanks to its stagnant, brackish water and massive insect population.

“This is an exciting new beginning for me,” Mr. Beck said. “I’m getting back to my roots.”

The sparsely populated area will also keep Mr. Beck fairly isolated. “It’s where I’m most comfortable,” he continued. “I obviously don’t belong around human beings.”





July 1, 2011

Shaving My Facial Hair Into This Ridiculous Mustache Should Eradicate Prostate Cancer Once and For All



By ROBINZON CHAVEZ, EDITOR-PUBLISHER

Every year around this time, the Gazette makes a point to give back to the Apartment 3 community. By now, everyone's forgotten whatever it was that we did around the holidays to make it seem like we care and is back to thinking we're just a bunch of miserable pricks.

This year, we've decided to fight cancer.

Obviously we can't defeat ALL cancer, at least not immediately, so we had to narrow it down. There were a lot of ideas flying around the office: breast, testicular, brain, lung... So many good cancers to choose from.

We finally decided on prostate cancer as the one we're going to conquer. All cancer is bad, but this is a particularly nasty one. Did you know that to check you for prostate cancer the doctor has to put a finger in your ass? If that's not a practice we need to end forever, I don't know what is.

But how? If ever there is a formidable opponent, cancer is it. Millions of dollars have been spent on research, medicine and treatments, but it's still with us, affecting millions of people.

So, what's our weapon of choice in the battle against prostate cancer? The second most powerful force in the universe (trailing only free t-shirts): Mustaches.

If scientists and doctors had thought of this a few decades ago, cancer would probably be totally cured by now. The past is the past, however, and to move forward in this fight, mustaches are what we need.Clearly, a new strategy is needed, and we here at the Gazette are blazing a new trail.

Similar methods have been tried. We've all seen the Lance Armstrong friendship bracelets, and those really cool headbands that rappers wear. But if those things worked, why does the fight still come down to us?

No normal mustaches will do, either. To really stick in cancer's craw, we'll have to grow mustaches that are so outrageous, so insanely shocking, so wickedly scandalous that some of them might not even BE mustaches!

The particulars of how the mustaches defeat prostate cancer are still being worked out. I've got a meeting set up this week with the Most Reverend J. Proie to discuss it. From what he's been saying, it sounds like Jesus has something to do with it.

But you know what? It doesn't even matter how it works, as long as it does work, and that's only going to happen if ALL of our readers grow mustaches, so I ask you to be part of this War on Prostate Cancer.

And ladies, you can be a part of this too. Just put on a fake mustache. It's not like cancer will know the difference.





June 30, 2011

Barth Pisses In Sink, Local Silverware May Not Be Safe

RYAN BARTH PISSED IN THE KITCHEN SINK ON TUESDAY BECAUSE HE HAD TO "PISS LIKE A HOSTAGE."


Due to a combination of excess liquids and poor bathroom management, banker Ryan Barth on Tuesday was forced to urinate in the kitchen sink.

Mr. Barth maintains that there was "no way in hell" he was going to be able to hold it in until the bathroom was vacated.

Shortly after noon, just as Mr. Barth was finishing his fourth cup of coffee of the day, Asian sous-chef Timmy Q got into the shower.


A few moments later, Mr. Barth announced that he was dealing with an emergency bathroom situation.

"I have to piss like a hostage," Mr. Barth said. "My teeth are floating. Is it possible to vomit up your own urine?"

A mere ninety seconds into Mr. Q's shower, Mr. Barth began to pace around the living room. He knocked on the bathroom door several times, but his knocks were left unanswered.

"What's he doing in there, masturbating?" Mr. Barth asked.

Less than a minute later, Mr. Barth was outside looking for an appropriate spot to urinate, however due to the daylight and what Mr. Barth described as "the fucking neighbors," urinating outside was deemed to be an insufficient option.

Four minutes into Mr. Q's shower, Mr. Barth made the decision to piss in the sink.

"No one come into the kitchen for a minute," he announced to all nearby. "I need my privacy."

"We all asked him to wait just a little longer," said town crank Eric Eighties, who was in the living room at the time. "I think he could have made it, but what I'm most concerned about is the silverware."

At the bottom of the right side of the sink was a small collection of spoons, knives, and forks. Mr. Barth initially refused to answer questions about which side of the sink he pissed in, or whether he removed the silverware beforehand.

"I'm using disposable utensils from now on," said barber Jen Eddleson. "Sometimes I can't believe I live here."

Mr. Barth later issued a statement that he had pissed in the left side of the sink, and that the water was running the whole time.

"I have to use that silverware too," the statement went on to say. "Give me a little credit, okay."






June 29, 2011

Ripper Ruins Day Off With Breakfast of Cheap Beer

MOST OF RIPPER'S OFF DAYS ARE SPENT IN A DRUNKEN INCOHERENCE.


A day that once held the promise of finished errands and physical activity became a complete waste yesterday when local degenerate Ripper started drinking what would end up being well over a case of beer shortly after waking up.

Mr. Ripper had intended to start drinking the thirty-five Sierra Ices later in the day, after he had gotten "some shit done" and maybe "played a little b-ball with [town drunk] Cochran," according to plans that Mr. Ripper announced the night before.

In an attempt to rid himself of what must have been, for Mr. Ripper, an unremarkable hangover, he started off his day with the three-fourths of a can of Sierra Ice he had left unfinished the previous evening.

"Hair of the dog," Mr. Ripper said as he finished the beer in one swig. "Literally."

That beer now finished, Mr. Ripper immediately cracked a fresh Sierra Ice, setting the tone for the rest of the day.

"Once that starts, forget it," said bartender Jen Grinspan, who was in the kitchen when Mr. Ripper opened his second beer. "That first beer is the snowball that sets off an avalanche the size of Tokyo."

Mr. Ripper was on his fourth beer before the thought of food even crossed his mind.

"I've always advised him to eat a complete breakfast prior to drinking beer, or any alcohol," said the Reverend J. Proie, who was also in the kitchen that morning. "The three B's: Breakfast Before Booze.

"Not this morning, unfortunately," Rev. Proie continued. "Usually by this point he would have at least micro-waved an egg or something. It took all I had to get him to eat a few pieces of toast. 'No time,' he kept saying."

It's unclear what Mr. Ripper needed time for, as the rest of his day would be spent playing NHL '95 on Sega Genesis and drinking Sierra Ice, with only a few packs of cigarettes to break up the monotony.

"He had a lot planned," said Mr. Cochran. "He was finally going to check out that new hand-job place near the park, and then meet me for a little one-on-one basketball. I figured I could talk him into buying me some lunch.

"I was blacked out way before noon, so I don't even know if any of that happened or not."

There are no reports as to Mr. Cochran's activities that day, but it has been confirmed by several sources that Mr. Ripper was never anywhere but the couch, getting more beer from the kitchen, or using the bathroom.

"He talked all week about how he had so much planned for today," said Coach Gay Sutton, who was with Mr. Ripper on several nights leading up to his day off. "He had to get his hair frosted or some shit, then he was going to take his lady miniature golfing.

"Right. Miniature golfing," continued Mr. Sutton. "As if that was going to happen."

Mr. Ripper could not be reached for comment, since he was passed out on the couch.





June 28, 2011

Witmer, Smith Announce Weed Merger

EDITOR-PUBLISHER ROBB WITMER AND JANITOR SCARPINO SMITH DURING LAST MINUTE NEGOTIATIONS.


In what many experts are calling the most significant development in pot smoking to occur in Apartment 3 perhaps ever, editor-publisher Robb Witmer and janior Scarpino Smith hammered out an agreement late Friday night that would merge their respective bags of weed into one "super stash," as officials have come to refer to it.

The venture would certainly amount to the largest merger in Apartment 3 history, even surpassing the Q/Dobbins matched joint of 2003. 


Following minutes of negotiations Mr. Witmer and Mr. Smith agreed that combining their respective bags would be a benefit for all those involved.


"I had some weed," said Mr. Smith, "and so did Robb. But if we put it together it would be, like, a lot of weed."


Mr. Witmer was equally enthusiastic. "It's one thing to have some weed, but it's much better to have more weed.


"This will really benefit both sides," he reiterated at Friday night's press conference."We're not going to sit back on our laurels and wait for something to happen. We must be proactive. We're going to put this weed to work for us."


Concluded Mr. Smith, "We're going to get all fucked up."




June 27, 2011

Attempted Murder: No Harm, No Foul


By COCHRAN, TOWN DRUNK

I've just spent the last twenty-four hours of my life in jail. It's no picnic, let me tell you. Jail is nothing like it's depicted on the Disney Channel, that's for sure.

Do you know what I was in there for? Attempted murder! What a crock of shit!

June 18, 2011

Bank Executives Seek Further De-Regulation, Larger Boats

AC3B PRESIDENT RYAN BARTH'S CURRENT YACHT IS "BARELY EVEN A YACHT," AND "EMBARRASSING,' ACCORDING TO MR. BARTH HIMSELF.


Even after passage of recent legislation by Mayor McBill allowing ApartmenCorp 3 Bank, Apartment 3's only bank, to use so-called "coercive lending practices," executives at the company are calling on Mr. McBill to further de-regulate their industry.

"The measures that we're proposing are an absolute must if we're to remain viable," said AC3B president Ryan Barth. "Time is critical."

According to Mr. Barth, if profits at the bank do not increase significantly by the end of the fiscal quarter, his large quarterly bonus, as well as the bonuses of all AC3B executives, will be reduced to what he refers to as a "pittance."

"In this industry, your bonus is what you're working for," he said. "It's how you pay the bills, and how you buy your boats."

Mr. Barth says that he and many of his fellow AC3B executives are severely under-prepared for the upcoming Lake Lavina boating season.

"Surely, anyone can see that my current boat is not capable of hosting the sorts of events that a bank president hosts," he said. "It would barely classify as a yacht."

The law passed last month permitted AC3B to do what loan sharks have been doing in Apartment 3 for years, most notably threats and/or use of bodily harm and death.

A YACHT MORE BEFITTING OF MR. BARTH'S STATUS AS A BANK PRESIDENT WOULD FEATURE A HELICOPTER AS WELL AS SEVERAL LIFEBOATS THAT WOULD THEMSELVES BE SMALLER YACHTS.


"Unfortunately, when you put somebody's head in a vise and tighten it until their eyeballs pop out, that doesn't help your bottom line," said financial expert Dicky Bloads.

"At least not right away, and boating season always sneaks up on you."

The new law would allow AC3B to seize any property they desired from their customers if they were delinquent in their payments.

"Did you know that as the law is currently written, if somebody misses a payment on a loan, we're not allowed to take any of their belongings as payback?" said Mr. Barth. "Outrageous."

Mr. McBill is considering whether to take further action.

"I'd have to look at the specifics of what's being asked for," he said. "There are a lot of factors."

Mr. McBill and Mr. Barth are scheduled to talk about the matter in a closed-door session on Monday.

One stipulation that Mr. McBill has laid out before negotiations begin is that he will not permit any agreement that threatens his yacht's status as the largest on Lake Lavina.

"The S.S. Love Hut is the queen of the lake," he said. "Nobody messes with that."




June 16, 2011

Mama Viv's Vasectomy Shoppe Muscled Out of Business by High-End New York Vasectomy Firm

MAMA VIV'S VASECTOMY SHOPPE HAS BEEN A FAMILY OWNED BUSINESS FOR THREE GENERATIONS.


In another blow to the local economy, Mama Viv’s Vasectomy Shoppe is closing its doors after 37 years of serving the Lavina Avenue community. The shuttering of their Harrison Square location is the most recent in a string of local business failures stemming from the influx of competition from national vasectomy chains. 

“This is a tragedy,” sobbed Vivian “Mama” Gronski. “This Shoppe began as a dream my grandparents had when they came to this country. I thought we were going to be able to survive, but we just can’t compete with Big Vasectomy.”

Though many notable chains have moved into town over the years, Mama’s had managed to stay afloat in increasingly crowded waters. Customers flocked to the Old-World stylings and the friendly, hands-on, and personalized services that Ms. Gronzki and her staff provided.

“We offered vasectomies with a human face,” said Juan “Pop” Ortega Ruiz, Ms. Gronski’s long-time business partner and lover. “You just can’t get that from the big guys.”

It was with the introduction of VasectoMax, the New York City-based vasectomy giant, that the competition became too much to bear. The chain has seven Lavina Avenue locations, with plans for three more in the next five years.

Established in 2007 at the height of the vasectomy bubble, VasectoMax quickly gobbled up the competition and grew to become the largest-grossing business in the Reproductive Services industry.

VasectoMax markets themselves as a purveyor of low-cost, high quality general vasectomies, and higher-cost, specialty vasectomies, as well as related products and services. Their low-cost options target the average American bulk-vasectomy consumer, while their higher-end options cater to vasectomy connoisseurs and other niche markets.

ALFREDO'S VASECTOMIES 'N MORE, LAVINA AVENUE'S ONLY MOBILE VASECTOMY CLINIC, COULD NOT COMPETE IN TODAY'S MODERN VASECTOMY MARKET.


According to pamphlets provided by VasectoMax, their Green V Package boasts “only the most ecologically-forward vasectomy practices and products,” while their Platinum V Package offers a spa-like retreat complete with “facials, massage, and only the finest in European vasectomies.”     

“VasectoMax fulfills the needs of a wide variety of American vasectomy consumers at many convenient neighborhood locations at a reasonable price,” said  Albert Trinkle, VasectoMax’s head of media relations. “We don’t simply sever and seal the vasa deferentia in order to prevent the seminal ejaculation of our clients, we make memories.”

Even given the amenities provided by large vasectomy firms such as VasectoMax or V, the French-owned vasectomy conglomerate, Apartment 3ers can’t hide their disappointment that Mama’s is soon to be no more.

“Mama knew me by name,” said coach Gay Sutton, who has been saving for a vasectomy for years, and often found himself at Mama’s to compare prices and get a feel for the business.

“The staff is friendly, it’s a comfortable atmosphere,” Mr. Sutton continued. “Mama was even going to let me get a vasectomy on layaway. At [VasectoMax] you literally take a number when you walk in the door.”

Bustling sidewalks and busy streets have given way to scrawled “Out of Business” signs and shuttered storefronts around Harrison Square, the once-thriving heart of the Vasectomy District.

In addition to Mama’s, victims of the vasectomy juggernaut include Alfredo’s Vasectomies ‘n’ More, Hi-Society Vasectomy Parlor, and Vasecto-Me, Vesecto-You, as well as a baker’s dozen of other lesser-known vasectomy firms, all of whom have declared bankruptcy in the past year. 

“It’s sad that the next generation won’t know what it’s like to go to a real Mom-and-Pop vasectomy clinic,” Ms. Gronski said. 

“The experience is so much better. Maybe the family-owned vasectomy shop will make a comeback some day.”




June 15, 2011

Romney Tweets Picture of Magic Mormon Underwear

MITT ROMNEY'S UNDERWEAR PROTECTS HIM FROM EVIL.


Republican presidential hopeful and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney became the latest public figure to run into trouble using the social-networking site Twitter on Tuesday when a picture of his magic Mormon underwear was sent from his account.

Mr. Romney was only hours removed from the New Hampshire Republican debate in which he solidified his place as the front-runner for the presidential nomination when the photo, showing a man wearing a complete set of the magical underwear -- also known as temple garments -- appeared on his official Twitter account.

The magic underwear is worn by Mormons who have attended a special service in a temple and promised to live a righteous life. The garments serve as reminders to members of the church that they have chosen to be obedient to the commandments of the Lord, and are worn at all times.

Mr. Romney confirmed that the picture was of his magic underwear, but that it was an accident that the picture found its way to the Internet.

“The picture was meant to be private,” he said. “I have a magic underwear scrapbook that I keep for myself and my family. It’s unfortunate that it was Twittered.”

The biggest backlash is coming from inside the Mormon community.

“Our underwear is sacred,” said Barbara Smith, a member of Church of Latter-day Saints. “They keep Satan out and Jesus in. It’s totally inappropriate that there are tawdry pictures like that out there.”

It remains to be seen how this developing scandal will affect Mr. Romney’s candidacy for the 2012 GOP nomination.

“It’s at the very least embarrassing,” said political analyst Andrew Clarke. “The most damaging aspect of this situation is that voters now know he’s serious about his Mormonism.

“I mean, magic underwear? That’s priceless.”




June 14, 2011

Miami Heat Throw Victory Party Following NBA Finals

CHRIS BOSH, DWYANE WADE, AND LEBRON JAMES CELEBRATE.

MIAMI, FL -- One day after losing the NBA Finals to the Dirk Nowitzki-led Dallas Mavericks, the Miami Heat and their three star players, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, and LeBron James, staged a victory extravaganza in honor of the themselves.

“This is going to be one of the all time great teams,” Mr. Wade said in the press conference that followed the fireworks portion of the show. “We’re going to bring armfuls of championship trophies to South Beach.”

“Yes we did,” added Mr. James.

The event began with Mr. James, dressed as a ball of flames, taking a zip line from the rafters to the stage, striking a pose with his fist in the air, and standing still while Mr. Bosh and Mr. Wade, both dressed in glitter jump suits, made their entrances.

Which they did by doing synchronized somersaults down a fashion-show style runway into the crowd of 15,000 screaming fans.

Upon reaching the end of the runway, the pair launched into a three-minute choreographed dance number, all while Mr. James remained perfectly still. Once finished, they froze in place as smoke machines came on and filled the room.

Mr. James, still in his ball-0f-flames costume, quietly made his way to the front of the stage where he ripped the costume off, revealing a Miami Heat uniform.

The room filled with sparks as all three players attached themselves to cables connected to hydraulic lifts that swung them over the audience. Mr. Bosh was lost in the moment, pretending to fly, while Mr. James and Mr. Wade high-fived the fans from above.

“They were flying right above me,” said Miami resident Jeff Starnhole. “It was just like Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, except nobody fell on top of me.”

When the players were returned to the stage, indoor-fireworks went off before they were introduced for a short press conference.

“To play with these guys is a dream come true,” said Mr. Wade. “This is the best trio in basketball history.”

“This is what it’s all about,” said Mr. James. “We get to be on one of the best teams ever, showcasing our talents on the biggest stage. It’s special.”

“I was flying like Superman,” said Mr. Bosh. “My arms were out in front of me like he does.”

After the press conference, the three superstars exited on thrones, carried on the shoulders of team trainers.

At press time, J.J. Barea was being fitted for a championship ring, and Peja Stojakovic was in a hot tub with the Larry O'Brien Trophy.




June 13, 2011

Fucking Magnets: How They Work
by Dr. Hans von Griebel, PhD.



Fucking magnetism is one of the four principle forces in physics, along with gravity and strong- and weak-nuclear forces. A fucking magnet is defined as any object that has a fucking magnetic field.

It attracts ferrous objects like pieces of iron, steel, nickel and cobalt. Fucking magnetic fields are produced by the motion of electrical charges. The fucking magnetic field's lines of force exit the fucking magnet from its north pole and enter its south pole.

The movement of electrons creates a force along these lines, much like an ocean or electrical current. Permanent or hard fucking magnets create their own fucking magnetic field all the time.

Temporary or soft fucking magnets produce fucking magnetic fields while in the presence of a fucking magnetic field and for a short while after exiting the field. Fucking electromagnets produce fucking magnetic fields only when electricity travels through their wire coils. 

Dr. von Griebel is an award-winning physicist, most well-known for his work on astronomical fucking magnetism. He holds several advanced degrees in physics and fucking astrophysics, and is a tenured professor at Apartment 3 University.




June 7, 2011

Turmoil in AOL/Huffington Post Merger Reveal That AOL Still Exists

AOL IS STILL AROUND, ACCORDING TO MANY REPORTS.

As various reports circulate regarding behind-the-scenes turmoil in the AOL/Huffington Post merger, media analysts around the country are astounded to find out that AOL, the Internet service provider that even your parents abandoned almost half a decade ago, is still in existence.

“AOL? As in America Online?” asked Stacey McCutchen of the American Media Association. “I didn’t realize dial-up Internet service was even an option anymore.”

At one time AOL had over thirty million subscribers and was one of the driving forces of the explosive growth of the Internet. Its interface served as the portal to the World Wide Web for a majority of Internet users before slowly becoming completely useless to almost everybody.

The integration of AOL with the Huffington Post, which AOL purchased earlier this year for $315 million, has been rocky, within both the editorial and the business divisions of the newly formed company.

“It’s astounding that [AOL] still had over $300 million lying around,” said Ms. McCutchen. “They must have been responsible and saved all those subscriber fees for a rainy day.”

Some Apartment 3ers recall the time that AOL was both relevant and useful.

“I miss the days of AOL’s supremacy,” said handywoman Jen Habel. “Thanks to all those CD-ROMs I got in the mail, I didn’t have to buy drink coasters for years.”

Ms. McCutchen also thinks the difficulties in the AOL/HuffPo merger could spell doom for other planned deals that involve irrelevant Internet companies.

“If the AOL thing doesn’t work out, the Prodigy-Drudge Report deal could fall through,” she said. “In which case I expect Compuserve to step in.”




June 6, 2011

Shaq Orders Truckload of Muumuus For Retirement

FUTURE HALL OF FAMER SHAQUILLE O'NEAL IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DAY THAT HE CAN EASILY DRESS HIMSELF.


ORLANDO, FL -- In what many experts are calling a sign that Shaquille O’Neal is serious about his retirement being permanent, the NBA superstar has purchased a truckload of muumuus to replace his current wardrobe.

The muumuu is a Hawaiian dress that hangs from the shoulders and is generally loose-fitting. While not necessarily meant for men, it has grown in popularity amongst the large or obese of both sexes thanks to its lack of restriction and ease of use.

“I’m going to miss a lot about the game,’’ Mr. O’Neal said. “I’m going to miss the competition, the camaraderie, the friendship, the fans. What I won’t miss is having to wear multiple pieces of clothing.”

“This is an unmistakable sign that [Shaq] is serious about his retirement,” said basketball analyst Michael Wilbon. “Once you make a transition to muumuus, there’s no going back.

“Sweatpants, maybe there’s a chance,” Mr. Wilbon continued, “but a commitment to muumuus for a guy like Shaq is a commitment to, let’s say, a certain lifestyle that is not conducive to athletic activity.”

Mr. O’Neal addressed the sweatpants issue directly during his retirement press conference.

“Sweatpants were certainly on the table,” he said. “But with sweatpants, I’d still have to put on a shirt most of the time. What a hassle.”

Fashion expert Dicky Bloads called Mr. O’Neal’s new wardrobe “bold and innovative, but also a loss to the fashion world.”

“For a man of his size, it would have been easy for him to go the muumuu route years ago,” Mr. Bloads said. “That he was able to pull off such finely tailored suits for all that time is a testament to his fashion sense. I wish him the best with his retirement wardrobe.”

Mr. O’Neal ended his press conference by saying he couldn’t wait to get home and get out of his suit.

“It’s going to be great to never have to put this suit on again,” he said. “It takes three people to get it on me. Getting dressed shouldn’t be this hard.”




May 23, 2011

Sources: Rapture Delayed Until Schwarzenegger Scandal Dies Down

FORMER GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, AND HIS WIFE, MARIA SHRIVER.

High-ranking officials within the pearly gates of Heaven have told the Apartment 3 Gazette on Monday that the Rapture, originally scheduled for this past Saturday, has been rescheduled in order to let the Arnold Schwarzenegger infidelity scandal play out.

“It was a last-minute decision,” said Steve Richardson, Heaven’s vice-president of public relations. “The Rapture is about God’s chosen people ascending to Heaven, but it’s also about owning the news cycle.”

With reports of Schwarzenegger’s love child captivating news rooms around the country, Heaven decided that this weekend just wasn’t the time.

“It was gut-wrenching, to pull the plug like that,” said Carlos Lopez, Heaven’s chief operating officer. “The Rapture had been scheduled for that date for so long -- an eternity, really -- but the call had to be made.”

Not only is the Schwarzenegger scandal as it stands commanding a huge audience, but, according to Mr. Richardson, additional leaks will make the story all the more tantalizing.

“We have, obviously, access to all sorts of information here in Heaven,” said Mr. Richardson, “and [the Schwarzenegger scandal] is only going to get worse. There’s more kids, more women...

“Not even the Rapture can compete with that.”

Mr. Lopez agrees, insisting that if the Rapture is not the number one news story of the week, then it’s not worth having.

“The Rapture is meant to capture the attention of the unsaved and make them realize that the life they’ve been leading is sending them to hell,” he said. “If it’s not doing that, then what’s the point?”

God could not be reached for comment on the Rapture’s delay.




May 20, 2011

Apartment 3ers Prepare for Rapture

JUDGMENT DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, AND APARTMENT 3ERS WANT TO BE READY.


With the Rapture scheduled for tomorrow at 6 P.M., Apartment 3ers are busily preparing for the return of Jesus H. Christ and the end of life as we know it.

“There hasn’t been a big event around here since the Super Bowl,” said Asian sous chef Timmy Q. “I’ve been working my ass off, and I could use a day to chill out and party a little.”

Many are stocking up on essential supplies in case the End Times lead to the closure of local shops and markets.

“I got twelve cases of beer,” said coach Gay Sutton. “It should be enough, depending on how long this shit lasts. Looting is always an option. I've also stocked up on shotguns and ammo.”

Some Apartment 3ers are looking forward to Armageddon.

“It’s going to be so great to not have to go back to work on Monday,” said teacher Jen Sally-Wag. “I don’t think I can take another day with those damn kids.”

Rapture experts point out that while Jesus will be returning tomorrow and taking the true believers with him to a better place, God will not actually be destroying Earth to show his love for Humanity until October.

“There’s going to be Hell on Earth for a few months,” said the Reverend J. Proie of Apartment 3’s Church of Jesus. “Earthquakes, flooding, seas of blood. All the cool shit.”

For some Apartment 3ers, that doesn’t sound like such a bad prospect at all.

“That’s only a few months of pure suffering,” said banker Ryan Barth. “It’s not so bad. At least it’s not eternity.

“The way I look at it, five months of Hell is a fair trade-off for never having to go to church.”




May 19, 2011

Hawking: Heaven Is a Myth, But Hell Is Totally Real

PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING WOULD LIKE TO AVOID HELL FOR AS LONG AS HE CAN.

In an interview this week with The Guardian newspaper, renowned physicist Stephen Hawking reiterated his belief that there is no such thing as Heaven, calling it a “fairy story,” but that Hell is very much an actual realm of existence in the afterlife.

“I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail,” Mr. Hawking said.

“There is no heaven for broken down computers, that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark,” he continued. “There is, however, a Hell. That is totally real.”

Mr. Hawking, who was diagnosed with motor neurone disease at the age of 21, says he is not looking forward to what the afterlife has to offer.

“I have lived with the prospect of an early death for the last 49 years,” he said. “I'm not afraid of death, but I'm in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first.

“Plus, Hell is a really awful place. I’d like to avoid it as long as I can.”

Hell, a place of endless pain and suffering for the damned, is known for its towers of flames and tortuous punishment.

“Gnashing of teeth, eternal fire, all that stuff is real,” said Mr. Hawking. “Did you know that your intestines turn into worms? Yuk.”

Mr. Hawking claims that the existence of God is not necessary to explain the creation of the universe, but that He does use his irrevocable judgement to send all human souls to Hell to suffer the consequences of sin.

“Traditionally, Hell if for the sinners of the world,” Mr. Hawking said. “But, let’s be honest, that’s everybody.”




May 18, 2011

Trump Backs Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Being Mayor of Douchetown

DONALD TRUMP HAS VOWED TO MAKE DOUCHETOWN HIS NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.


After weeks of rampant speculation regarding his potential candidacy, famous asshole Donald Trump announced on Monday that he will not seek the presidency, choosing instead to keep his focus on the office he currently holds, the Mayor of Douchetown.

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the presidency,” he said in a statement.

“I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Mr. Trump continued. “However, my position as the Mayor of Douchetown is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to walk away from that yet.”

Mr. Trump has been the Mayor of Douchetown since January, following the exit of Simon Cowell.

The term has no set limit, though if he had chosen to leave now, his would have been the shortest term as Mayor of Douchetown since Ashton Kutcher served for two months in 2003 as part of a prank for the MTV show Punk’d.

“There’s a lot of unfinished business in Douchetown, to be sure,” said Mr. Trump. “And I assure all Douches out there that I’m the one to do it.”

There’s one thing on Mr. Trump’s Douchetown to-do list that he’s already been able to cross off.

“He’s fulfilled his campaign promise of pretending to run for president in order to get some attention for a reality TV show,” said political analyst Andrew Clarke. “That’s quite an accomplishment considering his short time in office to this point.

“He may even get around to having his balls shaved and buffed on international television,” continued Mr. Clarke. “The ultimate Douchetown move.”

Naturally, the possibility of Mr. Trump stepping down as Mayor of Douchetown instantly sparked online speculation on his replacement.

Professional idiot Sarah Palin has shrugged off rumors that she was considering a run at becoming Douchetown’s first female mayor, insisting she is perfectly happy as the Queen of Teabaggers.




May 17, 2011

Thor Reboot Announced

MARVEL STUDIOS IS PLANING A "RE-IMAGINED" THOR FILM.

Only ten days after its theatrical release, the superhero film Thor has grossed nearly $120 million and landed at the top of the box office charts both weeks. This is in addition to being well-received by critics.

“Thor has proven to be a fantastic property for us,” said Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige. “The public has embraced the character and the universe that surrounds him. Now is the time to take advantage of that.”

In order to capitalize on the surging popularity of Thor, Mr. Feige says, the studio has begun the process of launching a reboot of the film.

“The audience has spoken, and they want more of this character,” Mr. Feige continued. “We’re hoping they want to see him in a way they’ve never seen before.”

According to reports, the studio already has a script in place for the Thor reboot, tentatively titled Thor: Reborn, written by James Vanderbilt, also the writer of the upcoming Spider-Man reboot.

“It’s going to be a more contemporary look at the character,” said an anonymous source inside Marvel who has seen Vanderbilt's script. “The reboot will take that origin story but tell it in a way that is for today’s audience. Expect it to be darker and a little rougher around the edges.”

Mr. Feige couldn’t give any details regarding the reboot, since negotiations continue with directors and actors, but said fans can expect something distinct from the current Thor.

“It will be a complete re-imagining of this world,” he said. “It will look different, feel different, even smell different.”

Mr. Feige also confirmed that the Thor reboot would not affect the already-in-the-works Thor sequel.

Thor 2 is still on track and is looking at a summer 2013 release date,” he said. “It looks to be another great film in the Thor universe, and we’re looking forward to the day that we can reboot that one, too.”




May 16, 2011

Report: Bin Laden's Porn Still in VCR

BIN LADEN HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS A "PORN TRADITIONALIST."

According to a report filed by U.S. intelligence officials, a large stash of pornography was found in the Abbottabad, Pakistan, compound of Osama Bin Laden by the Navy Seals and CIA forces who carried out the orders to kill him.

The commandos who found the stash confirmed that they were first alerted to the existence of Mr. Bin Laden’s pornography collection when they found a copy of Debbie Does Dallas in his VCR.

“It was quite the surprise,” a U.S. counter-terrorism official said to reporters on the condition of anonymity. “The rest of the collection was extremely well hidden. We never would have thought to even look for it if we hadn’t found that tape.”

The VHS tape itself was stopped seven minutes into the 80-minute film, suggesting that Mr. Bin Laden was in too much of a hurry to put the tape back in its proper place.

“It could have been he was watching it when [U.S. Forces] began their raid of his compound,” the official continued.

“Whenever it was that he was watching it, he was clearly not in his right state of mind when he turned it off. Otherwise, he certainly would have remembered to put it back in its hiding spot.”

The rest of Mr. Bin Laden’s porn collection was kept in a secret compartment located within the floorboards under Mr. Bin Laden’s mattress.

“It’s a great hiding spot,” said the official. “Not that it does a lot of good when you leave your porn in the VCR.”

Analysts for the State Department have concluded that Mr. Bin Laden was very much a “traditionalist” when it came to adult entertainment.

“His taste in porn was for the long-form narratives popular in the seventies and early eighties,” said pornography expert Dicky Bloads.

“He clearly preferred movies with character development and story, not just big dicks and boobs. Although those were clearly important to him as well.”




May 9, 2011

Trump: "No Way to Know Bin Laden is Dead Until I've Skull-Fucked His Corpse"


Famous asshole Donald Trump on Monday denounced the Obama administration’s decision give Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden a burial at sea, saying that he and every other American deserved more concrete evidence of his death.

“We need real confirmation,” Mr. Trump said in a press conference held in a nearby Denny’s. “And there’s no way to know for sure if Bin Laden is dead until I’ve skull-fucked his corpse.”

“I am sick of the arrogance of Obama and his administration,” Mr. Trump continued. “There is certainly something very strange about the way they disposed of [Mr. Bin Laden’s] body. The American people deserve better.”

Mr. Trump has announced plans to recover Mr. Bin Laden’s corpse “by whatever means necessary.”

“I have people working on it,” he said. “It’s amazing what they’re finding. His corpse is still extremely skull-fuckable, from what I’m hearing.”

Asked if seeing a photo of the dead body, or perhaps first-hand testimony of the execution would dissipate his doubts, Mr. Trump scoffed.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from, we don’t take for granted the death of our enemies. We remove the eye-balls from their skull and put our penis inside the ocular cavity.

“This is very simple, folks.”

Mr. Obama has so far refused to comment on Mr. Trump's demands directly, instead choosing his words carefully when the subject was broached at a Rose Garden press conference .

“Look, everybody’s going to have their own threshold for evidence,” the President said. “I can’t allow -- as much as I’d like to -- I can’t allow every American to stick whatever they want into Bin Laden’s corpse.”

After Mr. Obama’s press conference, Mr. Trump was unavailable for further comment, as his table by the window had just opened up.

May 3, 2011

Is This Tuxedo T-Shirt Classy or What?
by Cochran, town drunk


Woo-wee, this is one fancy party. Look at all these fine, fine ladies getting all gussied up!

And the gents, so strapping!

I feel as though I jumped up to a higher tax bracket the very moment I drunkenly stumbled into this formal cocktail party, or whatever it is.

Ah, and booze too. Wonderful. 

Luckily, I've come prepared for just such an occasion.

It so happens that under this beer-stained hoodie I'm sporting the cutting edge in eveningwear technology: It's a t-shirt that's also a tuxedo!

Aren't I dashing? No, I'm not James Bond. The name is Cochran. 

Yeah, just Cochran. 

I have to say, I'm probably the classiest dude at this party. Not only is this sweet shirt recently laundered, I used fabric-softener this time. You can still kind of smell the Mountain Mist freshness, even though I've been wearing it for three days. 

I'm feeling quite high-falutin' tonight, so I think I'll pass on my usual pint glass full of room-temperature vodka. Let me have the champagne instead. 

Whoa, not so fast. I drink it straight from the bottle. 

It seems cold in here. Do you feel a draft? I guess that's a small price to pay for going balls-out and getting a shirt that's nearly 40% cotton. 

I'm not sure if it's the champagne or what, but I have to take a major shit all of a sudden. Where's the dump-bucket around here?

And whenever you feel like being a dear and opening up another bottle of bubbly for me, you can send it in there. I'm going to be a while.




April 27, 2011

Obama Hoping to Finally Get His Washington, D.C., Driver's Licence

PRESIDENT OBAMA IS LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT.


WASHINGTON, DC -- Acknowledging that he’s “already put it off for far too long,” President Barack Obama said on Wednesday that now that he’s found his birth certificate, he hopes he finds time next week to finally get his Washington, D.C., driver’s licence.

“The DMV makes you jump through so many hoops,” Mr. Obama said. “I knew that I had [my birth certificate] somewhere, but after moving to Washington a couple of years ago, I hadn’t been able to find it.”

“Plus, my Illinois licence wasn’t expired yet,” he continued, “so I put it off. Probably for longer than I should have.”

After months of looking everywhere he could think of for his birth certificate, the president finally stumbled upon it when he was least expecting to.

“It was tucked into the endnotes section of Infinite Jest, if you can believe that,” chuckled Mr. Obama. “I was having an argument with [Jonathan] Franzen over Twitter about what the subtitle to Cage III was, when all of a sudden, there’s my birth certificate.

“I thought I was putting it somewhere safe, where I wouldn’t forget about it. Well, I guess I ended up hiding it from myself.”

It wasn’t just a lack of proper paperwork that was keeping Mr. Obama from finally making the time to go down to the DMV.

“I’ve been super busy with work,” the president said. “That’s kind of a lame excuse, I know, but who has the time to sit around the DMV all day?”

Mr. Obama admits that his calendar isn’t exactly clearing up.

“If I don’t do it now, when will I?” he said. “As soon as I get this budget taken care of, I have to pick a day and just get it done, because I’ve got another [presidential] campaign right around the corner, and once I’m into that, forget it.”

The president says that so far he’s been lucky that his drivers licence hasn’t been an issue.

“With my job, I don’t do a whole lot of driving,” said Mr. Obama. “When I do, it’s usually late at night to pick up a pack of smokes, or a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or something.

“I drive cautiously, hoping to not get pulled over,” he continued. “And if I do, I could probably talk my way out of it.”

Republican presidential front-runner, famous asshole Donald Trump, has wondered publicly if Mr. Obama will be able to simply switch his Illinois licence for a Washington licence.

“I’m not saying his current drivers licence has been expired for more than three months or not. I don’t know one way or the other,” Mr. Trump said.

“If it has been, he’ll have to take the Learner’s Permit Test,” continued Mr. Trump. “Then we’ll have a little more information regarding his qualifications as a licenced driver.”

“I’m not going to speculate on how I would do on the Learner’s Permit Test,” Mr. Obama said. “The facts are the facts. I won’t have to take the test.”

Shortly after Mr. Obama’s press conference, Fox News released a poll showing that 52% of Americans believe Mr. Obama would fail the Learner’s Permit Test.