July 1, 2011

Shaving My Facial Hair Into This Ridiculous Mustache Should Eradicate Prostate Cancer Once and For All


Every year around this time, the Gazette makes a point to give back to the Apartment 3 community. By now, everyone's forgotten whatever it was that we did around the holidays to make it seem like we care and is back to thinking we're just a bunch of miserable pricks.

This year, we've decided to fight cancer.

Obviously we can't defeat ALL cancer, at least not immediately, so we had to narrow it down. There were a lot of ideas flying around the office: breast, testicular, brain, lung... So many good cancers to choose from.

We finally decided on prostate cancer as the one we're going to conquer. All cancer is bad, but this is a particularly nasty one. Did you know that to check you for prostate cancer the doctor has to put a finger in your ass? If that's not a practice we need to end forever, I don't know what is.

But how? If ever there is a formidable opponent, cancer is it. Millions of dollars have been spent on research, medicine and treatments, but it's still with us, affecting millions of people.

So, what's our weapon of choice in the battle against prostate cancer? The second most powerful force in the universe (trailing only free t-shirts): Mustaches.

If scientists and doctors had thought of this a few decades ago, cancer would probably be totally cured by now. The past is the past, however, and to move forward in this fight, mustaches are what we need.Clearly, a new strategy is needed, and we here at the Gazette are blazing a new trail.

Similar methods have been tried. We've all seen the Lance Armstrong friendship bracelets, and those really cool headbands that rappers wear. But if those things worked, why does the fight still come down to us?

No normal mustaches will do, either. To really stick in cancer's craw, we'll have to grow mustaches that are so outrageous, so insanely shocking, so wickedly scandalous that some of them might not even BE mustaches!

The particulars of how the mustaches defeat prostate cancer are still being worked out. I've got a meeting set up this week with the Most Reverend J. Proie to discuss it. From what he's been saying, it sounds like Jesus has something to do with it.

But you know what? It doesn't even matter how it works, as long as it does work, and that's only going to happen if ALL of our readers grow mustaches, so I ask you to be part of this War on Prostate Cancer.

And ladies, you can be a part of this too. Just put on a fake mustache. It's not like cancer will know the difference.