January 21, 2011

Beer Prices Strain Local Budgets

COACH GAY SUTTON SAYS THE RISING COST OF BEER HAS FORCED HIM TO PUT OFF A VASECTOMY OPERATION


With the recent, sudden spike in the price of beer on Lavina Avenue, Apartment 3ers are finding it harder and harder to both make ends meet and get sufficiently drunk.

The average price of a case of Sierra Ice, the apartment's top selling beer by far, has surged from $5.99 to $7.99, according to government figures, in the last month.

"Some of us are faced with a decision between beer or food," said town drunk Cochran. "Obviously I choose beer, but I shouldn't have to make that choice. Making decisions takes away time for drinking."

"That two dollars per case adds up pretty quick," said Jen Thomas, Mayor Mayor McBill's publicist. "At this point, beer expenses are almost in line with what the apartment spends on rent every month."

Unfortunately, the apartment is already facing budget cuts and looming deficits, so help from the Mayor's Bedroom will be admittedly limited.

"There's only so much we're able to do right now," said Ms. Thomas.

Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti has suggested a plan that would supply every Apartment 3er with prescription painkillers to intensify the effects of any alcohol consumed. Most support the plan, but are realistic about its long-term benefits.

"It's a band-aid, at best," said rapper Bobby D. "I could always use some good pills, but once I've built up a tolerance to those, I'm going to need more pills, and then we're right back where we started."

"There's certainly no shortage of painkillers to go around," said banker Ryan Barth.

"I was offered Percocet, Hydrocodone and Quaaludes just last night," he continued. "If the government is going to provide me with drugs, why don't they get me shit I can't get myself. Like peyote."

Some are using the rising prices to promote moderation in their beer drinking. Others, like Janitor Scarpino Smith, are using price hike as an opportunity to smoke more marijuana.

"Sobriety is not an option," said Mr. Smith. "I use marijuana to forget about the price of beer. It worked for my car problems, there's no reason it can't work for this."

"Fuck that shit," said coach Gay Sutton, who by his own estimates drinks between twelve and sixteen Sierra Ices a day.

"Sorrows don't drown themselves," he went on. "I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and pay the extra cost. So much for that vasectomy I was saving up for."