July 7, 2011

Cochran Cashes In Can Collection, Instantly Becomes Tenth-Richest Apartment 3er

TOWN DRUNK COCHRAN MUST NOW REBUILD HIS EMPIRE FROM SCRATCH NOW THAT HE'S CASHED IN HIS CANS.


It's a sure sign that the economic downturn is serious when it begins to effect even those who have been jobless for years.

That's the situation facing town drunk Cochran, who has seen the amount of money he is able to bum or borrow plummet. Apartment 3ers are acting so frugally these days that it's even become difficult for Mr. Cochran to find a decent meal in the garbage.

Times had gotten so tough, in fact, that last week Mr. Cochran was forced to choose between cashing in his collection of beer cans or face another day without food.

"It was a very hard decision," said Mr. Cochran. "I really love my cans."

The collection, which Mr. Cochran kept in black garbage bags tied to Sea Captain Jacques Benny's boat, the S.S. Floater, weighed in the range of 80-100 pounds, according to sources at Lavina Avenue Reclamation.

The payment Mr. Cochran received for the cans, while not confirmed, is believed to be high enough to place him amongst the wealthiest Apartment 3ers.

In an article to be published this Friday, the Lavina Avenue Business Journal has placed Mr. Cochran's net worth, now at roughly $50, as the tenth highest in Apartment 3.

"It's a large sum of liquid assets to have in this economic environment," said Jen Kirk, editor of the Journal.

"And his debt load is virtually zero, since he's never implied any intention of paying back the money he's asked for over the years."

Mr. Cochran's net worth is expected to drastically decline in the next few days, however, as he's stated his intent to invest in the highly volatile steak and classy-type bourbon markets.

"I've never considered myself a wise investor," said Mr. Cochran from the Floater. "But then again, I must've been on to something when I was saving all those beer cans.

"Being a drunk really does pay off. Financially."