April 2, 2011

PlayStation Dies Tragically

THE PLAYSTATION, AN APARTMENT 3 MAINSTAY SINCE 1998, PERISHED IN A VOMIT-RELATED ACCIDENT ON SATURDAY MORNING.

In the wee hours of Saturday morning, The PlayStation, a mainstay of Apartment 3 since its founding in 1998, was destroyed beyond repair in a tragic accident involving gambling, alcohol, and vomit, according to eyewitness accounts and inspectors at the scene.

"This is an absolute tragedy," said plumber Jen Habel shortly after hearing of the incident. "I'm not sure the apartment will ever recover from this. It's heart-wrenching."

According to Apartment 3 Constable Johnny McNutt, at around 4:30 AM Saturday morning during a heated poker game in the dining room involving 7-9 players, masseuse Ripper quit the game because, in his own words, he was "too drunk to keep playing," immediately arousing suspicion.

"Sure he was drinking a lot," said Coach Gay Sutton, who was also in the poker game, and ended up losing $23. "But who wasn't? There was something fishy about the whole situation from the beginning. Probably his stinky puss."

That was the last anyone would see of Mr. Ripper, who lost $122, for several hours.

"We all figured he went into the living room to sleep on the couch, and that's it," said waitress Jen Gordon, who won $14. "At least he lost his money first, before he pussed-out."

Mr. Ripper was alone in the living room with The PlayStation until approximately 8 AM when he stumbled back through the dining room, apparently towards the bathroom.

"What a sally-wag," said Ms. Gordon.

The poker game had just ended, and as the players were cashing out, they made their way into the living room, discovering a horrifying scene.

"It was the gnarliest thing I've ever seen," said editor-publisher Robb Witmer, who won $11 in the poker game. "The chunks in Ripper's vomit were outstanding. As in, standing-out."

Mr. Ripper had apparently vomited directly onto The PlayStation, immediately destroying it and the carpet around it.

"There was really nothing else on the floor," said Mr. Witmer. "There were a million places to puke in that room that didn't have a PlayStation. Many of them much closer to the couch. What a jackass."

The PlayStation, having been covered in upwards of a liter of vomit, was declared dead on the spot, at 8:12 AM.

At 8:15 AM, Mr. Ripper was discovered asleep next to the toilet.

"At least he wasn't naked this time," said poolboy Matt Sackage, winner of $33, who found Mr. Ripper in the bathroom.

Money was then taken from Mr. Ripper's wallet to cover the cost of both carpet cleaner and the original cost of The PlayStation.

"It's clear to all those involved here that Mr. Ripper is the one at fault," said Constable McNutt. "Technically, however, no laws were violated."

Mr. Ripper has not been able to be reached for comment. He has not been in Apartment 3 since he left shortly after the incident, and he is not returning calls made by the Gazette.

"I can't really speculate where he might be, or why he might be there," said Constable McNutt. "Of course, everyone is still pissed off at him. Vigilantism could certainly be a problem, I suppose. It's not like I'm going to stop it from happening."

"Things are going to be very different around here without The PlayStation," said Ms. Habel. "I almost can't imagine an Apartment 3 without The PlayStation. It will never be the same."

Or, won't be until a reasonably-priced, used PlayStation 2 becomes available.

"That would be cool," said Ms. Habel. "Those play DVDs."