March 25, 2011

Poll: Microwave Most Popular Appliance

THE MICROWAVE HAS BEEN IN APARTMENT 3 LONGER THAN SOME APARTMENT 3ERS THEMSELVES.

A poll sponsored by the Apartment 3 Gazette and the Lavina Avenue Council on House & Home shows the microwave is the most popular household appliance of Apartment 3ers by an overwhelming margin.

55 percent of respondents ranked the microwave as their favorite household appliance, with the electric stove finishing second, chosen by nearly 20 percent of residents.

Other notables include the coffee-maker at 11 percent, and the Accommodator, a vibrating dildo, receiving 5 percent.

"I don't have time for extravagant multi-course meals," said masseuse Ripper. "Between house calls and seemingly constant runs to pick up new, exotic rubbing oils, a warmed-over, soggy Hot Pocket is a delicious, nutritious way to keep me going."

Teacher Jen Sally-Wag, currently running an adult-education class, also supports the microwave.

"Not only does the microwave provide me with unevenly hot food, but I use it in my classes. Did you know you can make modeling clay with baking soda and cornstarch in the microwave?

"Of course, although the microwave is my favorite appliance," Ms. Sally-Wag continued, "I can't help but feel that the Accomodator is getting a short shrift."

Not everyone uses the microwave for convenience alone. Rapper Bobby D uses it to protest the controversial Quiet-Time regulations, and also as the background beat to eight out of nine songs on his new album.

"Here, listen to this," said Mr. D, turning the microwave's knob on, then off. "Hear that ding? Pretty off the hook. Get used to it between the hours of 10 P.M. and 7 A.M."

Town crank Eric Eighties expressed dismay over the state of the microwave, though he admitted he did vote for it in the poll.

"The interior of the microwave oven has a distinct, charred crust," said Mr. Eighties. "I remember a time when users of the microwave made sure it was nice and tidy for the next citizen, but sadly, those days are long past. It is our responsibility to ensure the microwave is available for future generations of Apartment 3ers."

Though the residents preferring the stove are a minority, they are vocal.

"Anyone who uses the microwave can suck a dick and die," said Coach Gay Sutton. "I cook on the stove, like my father and his father before him. This packet of beef-flavored Top Ramen is going to be amazing, and I didn't need no magic rays to warm it up.

"I hope all the microwave assholes get cancer and their balls fall off in front of their children, who are, of course, horribly deformed from all of the radiation."

Town drunk Cochran said he doesn't have much of an opinion of the microwave.

"You don't need to warm up booze, and I don't even remember the last time I had a meal that wasn't someone else's before I found it in the trash or in the street," he said. "That's why I voted for the trashcan as my favorite appliance."

The microwave, a joint purchase of banker Ryan Barth and editor-publisher Robb Witmer for $6.75 at a Lavina Avenue garage sale, has been in Apartment 3 since 1998.