April 13, 2011

Study: Work Sucks Dick

APARTMENT 3 UNIVERSITY'S PROFESSOR LARRY LAWRENCE HAS LED A GROUNDBREAKING STUDY INTO HOW MUCH IT SUCKS TO HAVE A JOB.

A year-long study by Apartment 3 University scientists has found that work -- particularly the variety that includes having a boss with expectations, and a schedule that requires one to be somewhere at certain times -- sucks complete dick.

"Our findings are not all that surprising," said A3U's Professor Larry Lawrence, who led the study.

"Anyone who's ever had a job -- even a job they like -- will tell you that work sucks dick. The study was fairly useless in that regard, but my fucking boss insists that I do these things, so..."

According to Prof. Lawrence, the worst types of jobs begin well before noon, requiring the worker to arrive sometimes as early as 9, or even 8, A.M.

"You want to talk about sucking, THAT shit totally sucks," said Prof. Lawrence. "Have you ever tried getting out of bed at, like, 6:30 in the morning? Sometimes, I think I'd rather be homeless."

Even work that starts at a reasonable hour -- generally regarded as no earlier than 1 or 2 P.M. -- still sucks.

Waitress Jen Gordon was part of the study.

"I usually start at 3 [P.M.] or so," she said. "Which is okay, I guess. I don't have to set an alarm clock or anything like that, but that doesn't mean I would be doing this bull-shit if I didn't have to."

And, surprisingly, the jobless generally supported the study's findings as well.

"I had a job for a little bit," said town burnout The Dobbins. "It sucked out loud, so I quit. Now I spend my time trying to find booze or drugs without having any money. Some days that's easy, but others it's more like work, and those days suck."

Prof. Lawrence has said that this study is only one part of a much larger project.

"The overall thesis will take two to three more years to complete," he said. "What I'm expecting to find, ultimately, is that life sucks ass, and then you die."