January 25, 2011

Wachter Shaves Taint


At an early morning press conference on Thursday, Attorney P. Wachter of Apartment 3 confirmed what had previously only been a swirling rumor regarding his 45-minute bathroom session on Sunday afternoon.

"This is not something I'm particularly proud of," Mr. Wachter stated. "Really, I'm not even sure why I did it, but the fact of the matter is, I shaved my taint this past weekend.

"Every bit that I could get a razor to, I did," he continued. "I've never felt so unobstructed down there. Fresh even. But to be perfectly honest, it was kind of an accident."

"Taint" is the medical term for the area between one's balls and ass. It is called such because, as Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti said in his seminal paper on the subject, the area "'taint your balls and 'taint your ass."

"I have been practicing medicine for some time now, and I've never shaved a patient's taint," said Dr. Chakravorti in response to Mr. Wachter's actions. "For him to perform this operation on himself is absolutely unprecedented. Not to mention utterly pointless."


"There was no reason for it at all," Mr. Wachter confirmed. "I could have done some real damage to all kinds of things down there. A razor is nothing to mess around with, especially close to your ass and balls.

"I never would have done this if not for [unemployed janitor] Scarpino Smith," he continued. "That is why a lawsuit is necessary."

Mr. Smith is an outspoken and avid ball-shaver, although he claims to have never given Mr. Wachter any advice regarding taint-shaving.

"I am not denying that I shave my balls," said a statement Mr. Smith released after Mr. Wachter's press conference. "It feels nice, and chicks dig it.

"I am also not denying that I have recommended to Mr. Wachter that he do the same. I have. But at no time was it suggested to Mr. Wachter that he put a razor anywhere near his taint. That's just fucking weird."

"Maybe I got a touch over-zealous when I was down there," Mr. Wachter responded to a question.

"I do have a tendency to get carried away when I'm fooling around in my crotch area, as everyone, including Scarpino, knows. He should have been more responsible in talking to me about shaving any part of my body."