April 8, 2011

Who Knew That It Would Be So Easy to Not Work?
by Scarpino Smith, unemployed janitor

Before I lost my job a few months back, I'd always assumed being unemployed would be a nightmare. How would I put food on the table? Pay my bills? Buy my masculine-hygiene products?

Well, you know what they say about what happens when you assume: you end up looking like an asshole.

Turns out, being unemployed is much easier than I ever dreamed it could be.

Some of it depends on who you know. I immediately turned to Cochran for advise. As Lavina Avenue's longest-running town drunk, he was sure to be full of knowledge. Dude's NEVER had a job!

The first and most important thing he told me: garbage is your friend. Back when I was a janitor, I never truly appreciated what a goldmine I had access to; throwing away garbage was just a job, a paycheck.

Now I realize that other people's garbage is like a paycheck in and of itself. You wouldn't believe all the good stuff that Lavina Avenites throw away: last year's fashions, tuna cans that haven't been rinsed out completely, beer cans with a full swig left, not to mention all the stuff that can be burned for heat.

Using Cochran's time-tested hobo-wisdom, I've managed to live a pretty decent life as an unemployed janitor. I never have to wake up to an alarm clock, although being poked awake by Constable McNutt is not much of an improvement.

Nobody bosses me around, and I can do anything I want, whenever I want, provided it doesn't cost any money.

With so much free time I can spend more time on my hobbies. My video game skills have never been sharper. There's no way I could have played Super Mario Kart for 43 consecutive hours if I had a job.

And I've finally found enough time to get through all fifty issues of Cable & Deadpol. Try doing that with a nine-to-five.

Another unexpected upside to unemployment: I no longer have a drinking problem. I still drink twenty-five beers a day, but without anywhere to be, it's never a problem.

Admittedly, joblessness is not for everyone. There are people out there that don't feel productive without a job, or want to be able to decide what to eat instead of being at the whim of a garbage can. But for me, it’s a way of life now.