May 16, 2011

Report: Bin Laden's Porn Still in VCR

BIN LADEN HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS A "PORN TRADITIONALIST."

According to a report filed by U.S. intelligence officials, a large stash of pornography was found in the Abbottabad, Pakistan, compound of Osama Bin Laden by the Navy Seals and CIA forces who carried out the orders to kill him.

The commandos who found the stash confirmed that they were first alerted to the existence of Mr. Bin Laden’s pornography collection when they found a copy of Debbie Does Dallas in his VCR.

“It was quite the surprise,” a U.S. counter-terrorism official said to reporters on the condition of anonymity. “The rest of the collection was extremely well hidden. We never would have thought to even look for it if we hadn’t found that tape.”

The VHS tape itself was stopped seven minutes into the 80-minute film, suggesting that Mr. Bin Laden was in too much of a hurry to put the tape back in its proper place.

“It could have been he was watching it when [U.S. Forces] began their raid of his compound,” the official continued.

“Whenever it was that he was watching it, he was clearly not in his right state of mind when he turned it off. Otherwise, he certainly would have remembered to put it back in its hiding spot.”

The rest of Mr. Bin Laden’s porn collection was kept in a secret compartment located within the floorboards under Mr. Bin Laden’s mattress.

“It’s a great hiding spot,” said the official. “Not that it does a lot of good when you leave your porn in the VCR.”

Analysts for the State Department have concluded that Mr. Bin Laden was very much a “traditionalist” when it came to adult entertainment.

“His taste in porn was for the long-form narratives popular in the seventies and early eighties,” said pornography expert Dicky Bloads.

“He clearly preferred movies with character development and story, not just big dicks and boobs. Although those were clearly important to him as well.”