May 23, 2011

Sources: Rapture Delayed Until Schwarzenegger Scandal Dies Down

FORMER GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, AND HIS WIFE, MARIA SHRIVER.

High-ranking officials within the pearly gates of Heaven have told the Apartment 3 Gazette on Monday that the Rapture, originally scheduled for this past Saturday, has been rescheduled in order to let the Arnold Schwarzenegger infidelity scandal play out.

“It was a last-minute decision,” said Steve Richardson, Heaven’s vice-president of public relations. “The Rapture is about God’s chosen people ascending to Heaven, but it’s also about owning the news cycle.”

With reports of Schwarzenegger’s love child captivating news rooms around the country, Heaven decided that this weekend just wasn’t the time.

“It was gut-wrenching, to pull the plug like that,” said Carlos Lopez, Heaven’s chief operating officer. “The Rapture had been scheduled for that date for so long -- an eternity, really -- but the call had to be made.”

Not only is the Schwarzenegger scandal as it stands commanding a huge audience, but, according to Mr. Richardson, additional leaks will make the story all the more tantalizing.

“We have, obviously, access to all sorts of information here in Heaven,” said Mr. Richardson, “and [the Schwarzenegger scandal] is only going to get worse. There’s more kids, more women...

“Not even the Rapture can compete with that.”

Mr. Lopez agrees, insisting that if the Rapture is not the number one news story of the week, then it’s not worth having.

“The Rapture is meant to capture the attention of the unsaved and make them realize that the life they’ve been leading is sending them to hell,” he said. “If it’s not doing that, then what’s the point?”

God could not be reached for comment on the Rapture’s delay.