May 18, 2011

Trump Backs Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Being Mayor of Douchetown


After weeks of rampant speculation regarding his potential candidacy, famous asshole Donald Trump announced on Monday that he will not seek the presidency, choosing instead to keep his focus on the office he currently holds, the Mayor of Douchetown.

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the presidency,” he said in a statement.

“I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Mr. Trump continued. “However, my position as the Mayor of Douchetown is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to walk away from that yet.”

Mr. Trump has been the Mayor of Douchetown since January, following the exit of Simon Cowell.

The term has no set limit, though if he had chosen to leave now, his would have been the shortest term as Mayor of Douchetown since Ashton Kutcher served for two months in 2003 as part of a prank for the MTV show Punk’d.

“There’s a lot of unfinished business in Douchetown, to be sure,” said Mr. Trump. “And I assure all Douches out there that I’m the one to do it.”

There’s one thing on Mr. Trump’s Douchetown to-do list that he’s already been able to cross off.

“He’s fulfilled his campaign promise of pretending to run for president in order to get some attention for a reality TV show,” said political analyst Andrew Clarke. “That’s quite an accomplishment considering his short time in office to this point.

“He may even get around to having his balls shaved and buffed on international television,” continued Mr. Clarke. “The ultimate Douchetown move.”

Naturally, the possibility of Mr. Trump stepping down as Mayor of Douchetown instantly sparked online speculation on his replacement.

Professional idiot Sarah Palin has shrugged off rumors that she was considering a run at becoming Douchetown’s first female mayor, insisting she is perfectly happy as the Queen of Teabaggers.