May 9, 2011

Trump: "No Way to Know Bin Laden is Dead Until I've Skull-Fucked His Corpse"

Famous asshole Donald Trump on Monday denounced the Obama administration’s decision give Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden a burial at sea, saying that he and every other American deserved more concrete evidence of his death.

“We need real confirmation,” Mr. Trump said in a press conference held in a nearby Denny’s. “And there’s no way to know for sure if Bin Laden is dead until I’ve skull-fucked his corpse.”

“I am sick of the arrogance of Obama and his administration,” Mr. Trump continued. “There is certainly something very strange about the way they disposed of [Mr. Bin Laden’s] body. The American people deserve better.”

Mr. Trump has announced plans to recover Mr. Bin Laden’s corpse “by whatever means necessary.”

“I have people working on it,” he said. “It’s amazing what they’re finding. His corpse is still extremely skull-fuckable, from what I’m hearing.”

Asked if seeing a photo of the dead body, or perhaps first-hand testimony of the execution would dissipate his doubts, Mr. Trump scoffed.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from, we don’t take for granted the death of our enemies. We remove the eye-balls from their skull and put our penis inside the ocular cavity.

“This is very simple, folks.”

Mr. Obama has so far refused to comment on Mr. Trump's demands directly, instead choosing his words carefully when the subject was broached at a Rose Garden press conference .

“Look, everybody’s going to have their own threshold for evidence,” the President said. “I can’t allow -- as much as I’d like to -- I can’t allow every American to stick whatever they want into Bin Laden’s corpse.”

After Mr. Obama’s press conference, Mr. Trump was unavailable for further comment, as his table by the window had just opened up.