June 6, 2011

Shaq Orders Truckload of Muumuus For Retirement

FUTURE HALL OF FAMER SHAQUILLE O'NEAL IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DAY THAT HE CAN EASILY DRESS HIMSELF.


ORLANDO, FL -- In what many experts are calling a sign that Shaquille O’Neal is serious about his retirement being permanent, the NBA superstar has purchased a truckload of muumuus to replace his current wardrobe.

The muumuu is a Hawaiian dress that hangs from the shoulders and is generally loose-fitting. While not necessarily meant for men, it has grown in popularity amongst the large or obese of both sexes thanks to its lack of restriction and ease of use.

“I’m going to miss a lot about the game,’’ Mr. O’Neal said. “I’m going to miss the competition, the camaraderie, the friendship, the fans. What I won’t miss is having to wear multiple pieces of clothing.”

“This is an unmistakable sign that [Shaq] is serious about his retirement,” said basketball analyst Michael Wilbon. “Once you make a transition to muumuus, there’s no going back.

“Sweatpants, maybe there’s a chance,” Mr. Wilbon continued, “but a commitment to muumuus for a guy like Shaq is a commitment to, let’s say, a certain lifestyle that is not conducive to athletic activity.”

Mr. O’Neal addressed the sweatpants issue directly during his retirement press conference.

“Sweatpants were certainly on the table,” he said. “But with sweatpants, I’d still have to put on a shirt most of the time. What a hassle.”

Fashion expert Dicky Bloads called Mr. O’Neal’s new wardrobe “bold and innovative, but also a loss to the fashion world.”

“For a man of his size, it would have been easy for him to go the muumuu route years ago,” Mr. Bloads said. “That he was able to pull off such finely tailored suits for all that time is a testament to his fashion sense. I wish him the best with his retirement wardrobe.”

Mr. O’Neal ended his press conference by saying he couldn’t wait to get home and get out of his suit.

“It’s going to be great to never have to put this suit on again,” he said. “It takes three people to get it on me. Getting dressed shouldn’t be this hard.”