July 5, 2011

Glenn Beck Returns to Swamp

GLENN BECK HAS LEFT FOX NEWS TO RETURN TO THE DARK, SOGGY COMFORTS OF THE SWAMP HE CAME FROM.

Failed comedian Glenn Beck broadcast the final episode of his eponymous Fox News Channel program on Thursday, assuring viewers that he hasn't been forced out at the network. Instead, he said, he will finally be returning to the sodden and desolate swampland from whence he came.

Mr. Beck's relationship with Fox News president Roger Ailes and News Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch has been rocky for most of his two-and-a-half years since he joined the company.

Glenn Beck regularly drew more than two million viewers per episode, a huge number for a cable news channel. For much of his time at Fox, however, Mr. Beck ran afoul of advertisers who chose by the hundreds to steer clear of his controversial jabberings and rants.

Mr. Beck says that any quarrels he may have had with Fox News brass or advertisers was not the cause of his decision to leave cable television for the murky confines of his one true home, the swamp.

"I'd like to thank everyone at this network for their trust," Mr. Beck said during his farewell how. “It’s just that the time has come for me to go back to where I belong.”

Mr. Beck’s swamp of choice is the Atchafalaya Basin, located in south-central Louisiana where the Atchafalaya River meets the Gulf of Mexico. He is particularly suited to that area thanks to its stagnant, brackish water and massive insect population.

“This is an exciting new beginning for me,” Mr. Beck said. “I’m getting back to my roots.”

The sparsely populated area will also keep Mr. Beck fairly isolated. “It’s where I’m most comfortable,” he continued. “I obviously don’t belong around human beings.”