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| RIPPER, WEARING THE SHIRT THAT HE WOULD LATER LOSE OFF HIS BACK. |
Using only the power of gambling, Apartment 3 degenerate Ripper, over the course of just the first three weeks of football season, was able to turn a bank-roll of just over $1000 into exactly $0, all while having absolutely, fucking nothing to show for it.
"Talk about a goddamn disaster," said Mr. Ripper, whose first name is unknown, shortly after he lost his final wager of the week, an ill-informed pick of under-39 in the Sunday night game between the Steelers and Colts.
"There's a hundred bucks I'll never see again,” he continued. “The gig is finally up."
It certainly is. The loss officially brought Mr. Ripper's winnings for the season to $-1011, and his betting record for the season to 3-15-2.
"That's over a hundred cases of Sierra Ice," said town drunk Cochran. "What a waste. It's like pouring 2500 beers down the shitter. Which is kinda what I do, but at least I drink them first."
"He would have been better off putting the thousand bucks into some horse-shit savings account," said banker Ryan Barth. “Hell, an adjustable-rate mortgage would have been a better investment.”
It is not only Mr. Ripper's inability to pick winners at anything close to a consistent basis that led to his demise, but also his disastrous money-management "system."
“Every time he loses, he just bets more money the next time,” said gambling expert Dicky Bloads. “He calls it the ‘Ripper Double-0r-Nothing Strategy.’ I guess it worked, if his goal was nothing instead of double."
Mr. Ripper, however, believes his strategy was sound.
"It's not the Ripper Double-or-Nothing that was the problem," he said, defending his so-called "fool-proof" method. "I just happened to run out of money before it worked properly. If I can scratch together some more money, you’ll see."
As of press time, Mr. Ripper thought the Cowboys giving three points to the Redskins looked “like a pretty good bet.”
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