January 29, 2011

My Score on HotOrNot.com is Disappointingly Low


By ERIC EIGHTIES, TOWN CRANK

I'm no stranger to the World Wide Webs. In fact, I surf them more often than you probably think. The Information Super-highway is the next great step in global communication, and I want to be behind the wheel of my own car on that highway, surfing the webs.

Not to suggest that I'm some sort of expert, or that I'm on the cutting edge of technology, but I'm also not your typical fuddy-duddy who needs a three week course on how to use a mouse.

I've managed to stay fairly hip to all the fresh and innovative Interweb tools. I use e'mail on a weekly basis, and am now able to check it from almost any computer in the world (with the lone exception of mine!). I even got my Judd-Nelson-circa-Breakfast-Club Halloween costume off of the Ebay.

My latest foray into cyber-space society is a website called HotOrNot.com. It's a fabulous place where we can all gather and criticize each other's superficial qualities from behind the anonymity the World Webs provide.

When I first stumbled upon HotOrNot on one of my recent "surfing trips," I thought to myself, "This is what the Interways was invented for!" For a while, it became my favorite venue for judging other people, supplanting the front porch looking down on Lavina Avenue.

After a few weeks, I realized that the site also featured a way to install a picture of yourself and have other people download their judgment on you.

Well, I felt I had an obligation to get my picture on the HotOrNot Internet. Not only am I a genuine member of the Cyber-Space community now, as Apartment 3's longest-tenured and most-eligible bachelor, I felt it was my duty to find out where I stand with the ladies.

Following several hours and dozens of phone calls to technical support (seriously! Who runs the Interwide-webs?), I was able to get my picture on HotOrNot.

The results were less than impressive. On a scale of 1 to 10, my average score is standing at a paltry 2.2. That's right, Two Point Two!

I'm as stunned as you are. Now, I'll admit that the picture is a few years old at this point, so maybe people just aren't into the style I'm sporting in the photo, but to have a rating well below three... Something is terribly wrong here.

My mission now is to get that number up to where is belongs. I've spent the better part of the past week on the phone with the HotOrNot people trying to get permission to change my photo, but so far that's gotten me nowhere.

As a last resort, I'm reaching out to you, dear readers. Now, I'm not asking you to be dishonest with your vote, lest I be shunned in the World Web community, but if you could all just spend a minute of your time visiting HotOrNot and -- if you see fit -- bump my average up just a smidge, that would be grand.

If all else fails, I could abandon my hopes of becoming a respected member of HotOrNot. The next on my list is Friendster, which I hear is all the rage right now. Then, once my Friendster mastery is complete, it's on to conquer MySpace!

Interwebs, Call me Leader!




January 28, 2011

Cochran Can't Find Own Ass WIth Both Hands

TOWN DRUNK COCHRAN, SEEN HERE AT HIS PRESS CONFERENCE.

Nearly two hours after the search started, town drunk Cochran has finally given up looking for his own ass, even after using both hands.

"I've given this everything I've got," Mr. Cochran said at a press conference on Tuesday. "There's nothing else I can do. I have to move on."

January 27, 2011

He Said/She Said: Steroids



STEROIDS ARE A CONTINUING THREAT TO THE FRAGILE COMPETITIVE BALANCE OF VIDEO BASEBALL
by Jen Habel, handiwoman

I'm not bitching just because I'm down by seven runs going into the bottom of the ninth. I've been saying this since the beginning: by selecting the San Francisco Giants you have turned this game of MLB '05 into a goddamn circus. 

Everyone knows that Barry Bonds is the embodiment of steroids giving an unfair advantage to a player. His three home runs and nine RBIs in this game are proof of that.

Clearly my selection of the Pittsburgh Pirates was not the wisest of decisions. They are outmatched at almost every position, and seems the PlayStation is programmed to make them commit defensive errors at an unreasonable rate. But at least I can be certain that one of the reasons they are a poor selection for video baseball is that they are steroid-free. When I lose, I do it fairly.

January 26, 2011

Bobby D Shot While Leaving Bathroom

RAPPER BOBBY D, SHORTLY BEFORE GETTING SHOT IN THE ASS.

While leaving the Apartment 3 bathroom late Thurday evening, Rapper Bobby D. was struck in the buttocks with a BB, shot from an unidentified shooter. He had just finished urinating.

Mr. D. was rushed to McCaskey General hospital where he remains in pretty-good condition. Detective Johnny McNutt of the Lavina Avenue Police Department said there are no suspects as of press time.

January 25, 2011

Wachter Shaves Taint

ATTORNEY P. WACHTER, FILE PHOTO



At an early morning press conference on Thursday, Attorney P. Wachter of Apartment 3 confirmed what had previously only been a swirling rumor regarding his 45-minute bathroom session on Sunday afternoon.

"This is not something I'm particularly proud of," Mr. Wachter stated. "Really, I'm not even sure why I did it, but the fact of the matter is, I shaved my taint this past weekend.

"Every bit that I could get a razor to, I did," he continued. "I've never felt so unobstructed down there. Fresh even. But to be perfectly honest, it was kind of an accident."

"Taint" is the medical term for the area between one's balls and ass. It is called such because, as Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti said in his seminal paper on the subject, the area "'taint your balls and 'taint your ass."

"I have been practicing medicine for some time now, and I've never shaved a patient's taint," said Dr. Chakravorti in response to Mr. Wachter's actions. "For him to perform this operation on himself is absolutely unprecedented. Not to mention utterly pointless."


CELEBRITY DOCTOR CHAKRAVORTI IS AN AUTHORITY ON THE SUBJECT OF TAINTS.

"There was no reason for it at all," Mr. Wachter confirmed. "I could have done some real damage to all kinds of things down there. A razor is nothing to mess around with, especially close to your ass and balls.

"I never would have done this if not for [unemployed janitor] Scarpino Smith," he continued. "That is why a lawsuit is necessary."

Mr. Smith is an outspoken and avid ball-shaver, although he claims to have never given Mr. Wachter any advice regarding taint-shaving.

"I am not denying that I shave my balls," said a statement Mr. Smith released after Mr. Wachter's press conference. "It feels nice, and chicks dig it.

"I am also not denying that I have recommended to Mr. Wachter that he do the same. I have. But at no time was it suggested to Mr. Wachter that he put a razor anywhere near his taint. That's just fucking weird."

"Maybe I got a touch over-zealous when I was down there," Mr. Wachter responded to a question.

"I do have a tendency to get carried away when I'm fooling around in my crotch area, as everyone, including Scarpino, knows. He should have been more responsible in talking to me about shaving any part of my body."




January 21, 2011

Beer Prices Strain Local Budgets

COACH GAY SUTTON SAYS THE RISING COST OF BEER HAS FORCED HIM TO PUT OFF A VASECTOMY OPERATION


With the recent, sudden spike in the price of beer on Lavina Avenue, Apartment 3ers are finding it harder and harder to both make ends meet and get sufficiently drunk.

The average price of a case of Sierra Ice, the apartment's top selling beer by far, has surged from $5.99 to $7.99, according to government figures, in the last month.

"Some of us are faced with a decision between beer or food," said town drunk Cochran. "Obviously I choose beer, but I shouldn't have to make that choice. Making decisions takes away time for drinking."

"That two dollars per case adds up pretty quick," said Jen Thomas, Mayor Mayor McBill's publicist. "At this point, beer expenses are almost in line with what the apartment spends on rent every month."

Unfortunately, the apartment is already facing budget cuts and looming deficits, so help from the Mayor's Bedroom will be admittedly limited.

"There's only so much we're able to do right now," said Ms. Thomas.

Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti has suggested a plan that would supply every Apartment 3er with prescription painkillers to intensify the effects of any alcohol consumed. Most support the plan, but are realistic about its long-term benefits.

"It's a band-aid, at best," said rapper Bobby D. "I could always use some good pills, but once I've built up a tolerance to those, I'm going to need more pills, and then we're right back where we started."

"There's certainly no shortage of painkillers to go around," said banker Ryan Barth.

"I was offered Percocet, Hydrocodone and Quaaludes just last night," he continued. "If the government is going to provide me with drugs, why don't they get me shit I can't get myself. Like peyote."

Some are using the rising prices to promote moderation in their beer drinking. Others, like Janitor Scarpino Smith, are using price hike as an opportunity to smoke more marijuana.

"Sobriety is not an option," said Mr. Smith. "I use marijuana to forget about the price of beer. It worked for my car problems, there's no reason it can't work for this."

"Fuck that shit," said coach Gay Sutton, who by his own estimates drinks between twelve and sixteen Sierra Ices a day.

"Sorrows don't drown themselves," he went on. "I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and pay the extra cost. So much for that vasectomy I was saving up for."