June 30, 2011

Barth Pisses In Sink, Local Silverware May Not Be Safe

RYAN BARTH PISSED IN THE KITCHEN SINK ON TUESDAY BECAUSE HE HAD TO "PISS LIKE A HOSTAGE."


Due to a combination of excess liquids and poor bathroom management, banker Ryan Barth on Tuesday was forced to urinate in the kitchen sink.

Mr. Barth maintains that there was "no way in hell" he was going to be able to hold it in until the bathroom was vacated.

Shortly after noon, just as Mr. Barth was finishing his fourth cup of coffee of the day, Asian sous-chef Timmy Q got into the shower.


A few moments later, Mr. Barth announced that he was dealing with an emergency bathroom situation.

"I have to piss like a hostage," Mr. Barth said. "My teeth are floating. Is it possible to vomit up your own urine?"

A mere ninety seconds into Mr. Q's shower, Mr. Barth began to pace around the living room. He knocked on the bathroom door several times, but his knocks were left unanswered.

"What's he doing in there, masturbating?" Mr. Barth asked.

Less than a minute later, Mr. Barth was outside looking for an appropriate spot to urinate, however due to the daylight and what Mr. Barth described as "the fucking neighbors," urinating outside was deemed to be an insufficient option.

Four minutes into Mr. Q's shower, Mr. Barth made the decision to piss in the sink.

"No one come into the kitchen for a minute," he announced to all nearby. "I need my privacy."

"We all asked him to wait just a little longer," said town crank Eric Eighties, who was in the living room at the time. "I think he could have made it, but what I'm most concerned about is the silverware."

At the bottom of the right side of the sink was a small collection of spoons, knives, and forks. Mr. Barth initially refused to answer questions about which side of the sink he pissed in, or whether he removed the silverware beforehand.

"I'm using disposable utensils from now on," said barber Jen Eddleson. "Sometimes I can't believe I live here."

Mr. Barth later issued a statement that he had pissed in the left side of the sink, and that the water was running the whole time.

"I have to use that silverware too," the statement went on to say. "Give me a little credit, okay."






June 29, 2011

Ripper Ruins Day Off With Breakfast of Cheap Beer

MOST OF RIPPER'S OFF DAYS ARE SPENT IN A DRUNKEN INCOHERENCE.


A day that once held the promise of finished errands and physical activity became a complete waste yesterday when local degenerate Ripper started drinking what would end up being well over a case of beer shortly after waking up.

Mr. Ripper had intended to start drinking the thirty-five Sierra Ices later in the day, after he had gotten "some shit done" and maybe "played a little b-ball with [town drunk] Cochran," according to plans that Mr. Ripper announced the night before.

In an attempt to rid himself of what must have been, for Mr. Ripper, an unremarkable hangover, he started off his day with the three-fourths of a can of Sierra Ice he had left unfinished the previous evening.

"Hair of the dog," Mr. Ripper said as he finished the beer in one swig. "Literally."

That beer now finished, Mr. Ripper immediately cracked a fresh Sierra Ice, setting the tone for the rest of the day.

"Once that starts, forget it," said bartender Jen Grinspan, who was in the kitchen when Mr. Ripper opened his second beer. "That first beer is the snowball that sets off an avalanche the size of Tokyo."

Mr. Ripper was on his fourth beer before the thought of food even crossed his mind.

"I've always advised him to eat a complete breakfast prior to drinking beer, or any alcohol," said the Reverend J. Proie, who was also in the kitchen that morning. "The three B's: Breakfast Before Booze.

"Not this morning, unfortunately," Rev. Proie continued. "Usually by this point he would have at least micro-waved an egg or something. It took all I had to get him to eat a few pieces of toast. 'No time,' he kept saying."

It's unclear what Mr. Ripper needed time for, as the rest of his day would be spent playing NHL '95 on Sega Genesis and drinking Sierra Ice, with only a few packs of cigarettes to break up the monotony.

"He had a lot planned," said Mr. Cochran. "He was finally going to check out that new hand-job place near the park, and then meet me for a little one-on-one basketball. I figured I could talk him into buying me some lunch.

"I was blacked out way before noon, so I don't even know if any of that happened or not."

There are no reports as to Mr. Cochran's activities that day, but it has been confirmed by several sources that Mr. Ripper was never anywhere but the couch, getting more beer from the kitchen, or using the bathroom.

"He talked all week about how he had so much planned for today," said Coach Gay Sutton, who was with Mr. Ripper on several nights leading up to his day off. "He had to get his hair frosted or some shit, then he was going to take his lady miniature golfing.

"Right. Miniature golfing," continued Mr. Sutton. "As if that was going to happen."

Mr. Ripper could not be reached for comment, since he was passed out on the couch.





June 28, 2011

Witmer, Smith Announce Weed Merger

EDITOR-PUBLISHER ROBB WITMER AND JANITOR SCARPINO SMITH DURING LAST MINUTE NEGOTIATIONS.


In what many experts are calling the most significant development in pot smoking to occur in Apartment 3 perhaps ever, editor-publisher Robb Witmer and janior Scarpino Smith hammered out an agreement late Friday night that would merge their respective bags of weed into one "super stash," as officials have come to refer to it.

The venture would certainly amount to the largest merger in Apartment 3 history, even surpassing the Q/Dobbins matched joint of 2003. 


Following minutes of negotiations Mr. Witmer and Mr. Smith agreed that combining their respective bags would be a benefit for all those involved.


"I had some weed," said Mr. Smith, "and so did Robb. But if we put it together it would be, like, a lot of weed."


Mr. Witmer was equally enthusiastic. "It's one thing to have some weed, but it's much better to have more weed.


"This will really benefit both sides," he reiterated at Friday night's press conference."We're not going to sit back on our laurels and wait for something to happen. We must be proactive. We're going to put this weed to work for us."


Concluded Mr. Smith, "We're going to get all fucked up."




June 27, 2011

Attempted Murder: No Harm, No Foul


By COCHRAN, TOWN DRUNK

I've just spent the last twenty-four hours of my life in jail. It's no picnic, let me tell you. Jail is nothing like it's depicted on the Disney Channel, that's for sure.

Do you know what I was in there for? Attempted murder! What a crock of shit!

June 18, 2011

Bank Executives Seek Further De-Regulation, Larger Boats

AC3B PRESIDENT RYAN BARTH'S CURRENT YACHT IS "BARELY EVEN A YACHT," AND "EMBARRASSING,' ACCORDING TO MR. BARTH HIMSELF.


Even after passage of recent legislation by Mayor McBill allowing ApartmenCorp 3 Bank, Apartment 3's only bank, to use so-called "coercive lending practices," executives at the company are calling on Mr. McBill to further de-regulate their industry.

"The measures that we're proposing are an absolute must if we're to remain viable," said AC3B president Ryan Barth. "Time is critical."

According to Mr. Barth, if profits at the bank do not increase significantly by the end of the fiscal quarter, his large quarterly bonus, as well as the bonuses of all AC3B executives, will be reduced to what he refers to as a "pittance."

"In this industry, your bonus is what you're working for," he said. "It's how you pay the bills, and how you buy your boats."

Mr. Barth says that he and many of his fellow AC3B executives are severely under-prepared for the upcoming Lake Lavina boating season.

"Surely, anyone can see that my current boat is not capable of hosting the sorts of events that a bank president hosts," he said. "It would barely classify as a yacht."

The law passed last month permitted AC3B to do what loan sharks have been doing in Apartment 3 for years, most notably threats and/or use of bodily harm and death.

A YACHT MORE BEFITTING OF MR. BARTH'S STATUS AS A BANK PRESIDENT WOULD FEATURE A HELICOPTER AS WELL AS SEVERAL LIFEBOATS THAT WOULD THEMSELVES BE SMALLER YACHTS.


"Unfortunately, when you put somebody's head in a vise and tighten it until their eyeballs pop out, that doesn't help your bottom line," said financial expert Dicky Bloads.

"At least not right away, and boating season always sneaks up on you."

The new law would allow AC3B to seize any property they desired from their customers if they were delinquent in their payments.

"Did you know that as the law is currently written, if somebody misses a payment on a loan, we're not allowed to take any of their belongings as payback?" said Mr. Barth. "Outrageous."

Mr. McBill is considering whether to take further action.

"I'd have to look at the specifics of what's being asked for," he said. "There are a lot of factors."

Mr. McBill and Mr. Barth are scheduled to talk about the matter in a closed-door session on Monday.

One stipulation that Mr. McBill has laid out before negotiations begin is that he will not permit any agreement that threatens his yacht's status as the largest on Lake Lavina.

"The S.S. Love Hut is the queen of the lake," he said. "Nobody messes with that."




June 16, 2011

Mama Viv's Vasectomy Shoppe Muscled Out of Business by High-End New York Vasectomy Firm

MAMA VIV'S VASECTOMY SHOPPE HAS BEEN A FAMILY OWNED BUSINESS FOR THREE GENERATIONS.


In another blow to the local economy, Mama Viv’s Vasectomy Shoppe is closing its doors after 37 years of serving the Lavina Avenue community. The shuttering of their Harrison Square location is the most recent in a string of local business failures stemming from the influx of competition from national vasectomy chains. 

“This is a tragedy,” sobbed Vivian “Mama” Gronski. “This Shoppe began as a dream my grandparents had when they came to this country. I thought we were going to be able to survive, but we just can’t compete with Big Vasectomy.”

Though many notable chains have moved into town over the years, Mama’s had managed to stay afloat in increasingly crowded waters. Customers flocked to the Old-World stylings and the friendly, hands-on, and personalized services that Ms. Gronzki and her staff provided.

“We offered vasectomies with a human face,” said Juan “Pop” Ortega Ruiz, Ms. Gronski’s long-time business partner and lover. “You just can’t get that from the big guys.”

It was with the introduction of VasectoMax, the New York City-based vasectomy giant, that the competition became too much to bear. The chain has seven Lavina Avenue locations, with plans for three more in the next five years.

Established in 2007 at the height of the vasectomy bubble, VasectoMax quickly gobbled up the competition and grew to become the largest-grossing business in the Reproductive Services industry.

VasectoMax markets themselves as a purveyor of low-cost, high quality general vasectomies, and higher-cost, specialty vasectomies, as well as related products and services. Their low-cost options target the average American bulk-vasectomy consumer, while their higher-end options cater to vasectomy connoisseurs and other niche markets.

ALFREDO'S VASECTOMIES 'N MORE, LAVINA AVENUE'S ONLY MOBILE VASECTOMY CLINIC, COULD NOT COMPETE IN TODAY'S MODERN VASECTOMY MARKET.


According to pamphlets provided by VasectoMax, their Green V Package boasts “only the most ecologically-forward vasectomy practices and products,” while their Platinum V Package offers a spa-like retreat complete with “facials, massage, and only the finest in European vasectomies.”     

“VasectoMax fulfills the needs of a wide variety of American vasectomy consumers at many convenient neighborhood locations at a reasonable price,” said  Albert Trinkle, VasectoMax’s head of media relations. “We don’t simply sever and seal the vasa deferentia in order to prevent the seminal ejaculation of our clients, we make memories.”

Even given the amenities provided by large vasectomy firms such as VasectoMax or V, the French-owned vasectomy conglomerate, Apartment 3ers can’t hide their disappointment that Mama’s is soon to be no more.

“Mama knew me by name,” said coach Gay Sutton, who has been saving for a vasectomy for years, and often found himself at Mama’s to compare prices and get a feel for the business.

“The staff is friendly, it’s a comfortable atmosphere,” Mr. Sutton continued. “Mama was even going to let me get a vasectomy on layaway. At [VasectoMax] you literally take a number when you walk in the door.”

Bustling sidewalks and busy streets have given way to scrawled “Out of Business” signs and shuttered storefronts around Harrison Square, the once-thriving heart of the Vasectomy District.

In addition to Mama’s, victims of the vasectomy juggernaut include Alfredo’s Vasectomies ‘n’ More, Hi-Society Vasectomy Parlor, and Vasecto-Me, Vesecto-You, as well as a baker’s dozen of other lesser-known vasectomy firms, all of whom have declared bankruptcy in the past year. 

“It’s sad that the next generation won’t know what it’s like to go to a real Mom-and-Pop vasectomy clinic,” Ms. Gronski said. 

“The experience is so much better. Maybe the family-owned vasectomy shop will make a comeback some day.”




June 15, 2011

Romney Tweets Picture of Magic Mormon Underwear

MITT ROMNEY'S UNDERWEAR PROTECTS HIM FROM EVIL.


Republican presidential hopeful and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney became the latest public figure to run into trouble using the social-networking site Twitter on Tuesday when a picture of his magic Mormon underwear was sent from his account.

Mr. Romney was only hours removed from the New Hampshire Republican debate in which he solidified his place as the front-runner for the presidential nomination when the photo, showing a man wearing a complete set of the magical underwear -- also known as temple garments -- appeared on his official Twitter account.

The magic underwear is worn by Mormons who have attended a special service in a temple and promised to live a righteous life. The garments serve as reminders to members of the church that they have chosen to be obedient to the commandments of the Lord, and are worn at all times.

Mr. Romney confirmed that the picture was of his magic underwear, but that it was an accident that the picture found its way to the Internet.

“The picture was meant to be private,” he said. “I have a magic underwear scrapbook that I keep for myself and my family. It’s unfortunate that it was Twittered.”

The biggest backlash is coming from inside the Mormon community.

“Our underwear is sacred,” said Barbara Smith, a member of Church of Latter-day Saints. “They keep Satan out and Jesus in. It’s totally inappropriate that there are tawdry pictures like that out there.”

It remains to be seen how this developing scandal will affect Mr. Romney’s candidacy for the 2012 GOP nomination.

“It’s at the very least embarrassing,” said political analyst Andrew Clarke. “The most damaging aspect of this situation is that voters now know he’s serious about his Mormonism.

“I mean, magic underwear? That’s priceless.”




June 14, 2011

Miami Heat Throw Victory Party Following NBA Finals

CHRIS BOSH, DWYANE WADE, AND LEBRON JAMES CELEBRATE.

MIAMI, FL -- One day after losing the NBA Finals to the Dirk Nowitzki-led Dallas Mavericks, the Miami Heat and their three star players, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, and LeBron James, staged a victory extravaganza in honor of the themselves.

“This is going to be one of the all time great teams,” Mr. Wade said in the press conference that followed the fireworks portion of the show. “We’re going to bring armfuls of championship trophies to South Beach.”

“Yes we did,” added Mr. James.

The event began with Mr. James, dressed as a ball of flames, taking a zip line from the rafters to the stage, striking a pose with his fist in the air, and standing still while Mr. Bosh and Mr. Wade, both dressed in glitter jump suits, made their entrances.

Which they did by doing synchronized somersaults down a fashion-show style runway into the crowd of 15,000 screaming fans.

Upon reaching the end of the runway, the pair launched into a three-minute choreographed dance number, all while Mr. James remained perfectly still. Once finished, they froze in place as smoke machines came on and filled the room.

Mr. James, still in his ball-0f-flames costume, quietly made his way to the front of the stage where he ripped the costume off, revealing a Miami Heat uniform.

The room filled with sparks as all three players attached themselves to cables connected to hydraulic lifts that swung them over the audience. Mr. Bosh was lost in the moment, pretending to fly, while Mr. James and Mr. Wade high-fived the fans from above.

“They were flying right above me,” said Miami resident Jeff Starnhole. “It was just like Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, except nobody fell on top of me.”

When the players were returned to the stage, indoor-fireworks went off before they were introduced for a short press conference.

“To play with these guys is a dream come true,” said Mr. Wade. “This is the best trio in basketball history.”

“This is what it’s all about,” said Mr. James. “We get to be on one of the best teams ever, showcasing our talents on the biggest stage. It’s special.”

“I was flying like Superman,” said Mr. Bosh. “My arms were out in front of me like he does.”

After the press conference, the three superstars exited on thrones, carried on the shoulders of team trainers.

At press time, J.J. Barea was being fitted for a championship ring, and Peja Stojakovic was in a hot tub with the Larry O'Brien Trophy.




June 13, 2011

Fucking Magnets: How They Work
by Dr. Hans von Griebel, PhD.



Fucking magnetism is one of the four principle forces in physics, along with gravity and strong- and weak-nuclear forces. A fucking magnet is defined as any object that has a fucking magnetic field.

It attracts ferrous objects like pieces of iron, steel, nickel and cobalt. Fucking magnetic fields are produced by the motion of electrical charges. The fucking magnetic field's lines of force exit the fucking magnet from its north pole and enter its south pole.

The movement of electrons creates a force along these lines, much like an ocean or electrical current. Permanent or hard fucking magnets create their own fucking magnetic field all the time.

Temporary or soft fucking magnets produce fucking magnetic fields while in the presence of a fucking magnetic field and for a short while after exiting the field. Fucking electromagnets produce fucking magnetic fields only when electricity travels through their wire coils. 

Dr. von Griebel is an award-winning physicist, most well-known for his work on astronomical fucking magnetism. He holds several advanced degrees in physics and fucking astrophysics, and is a tenured professor at Apartment 3 University.




June 7, 2011

Turmoil in AOL/Huffington Post Merger Reveal That AOL Still Exists

AOL IS STILL AROUND, ACCORDING TO MANY REPORTS.

As various reports circulate regarding behind-the-scenes turmoil in the AOL/Huffington Post merger, media analysts around the country are astounded to find out that AOL, the Internet service provider that even your parents abandoned almost half a decade ago, is still in existence.

“AOL? As in America Online?” asked Stacey McCutchen of the American Media Association. “I didn’t realize dial-up Internet service was even an option anymore.”

At one time AOL had over thirty million subscribers and was one of the driving forces of the explosive growth of the Internet. Its interface served as the portal to the World Wide Web for a majority of Internet users before slowly becoming completely useless to almost everybody.

The integration of AOL with the Huffington Post, which AOL purchased earlier this year for $315 million, has been rocky, within both the editorial and the business divisions of the newly formed company.

“It’s astounding that [AOL] still had over $300 million lying around,” said Ms. McCutchen. “They must have been responsible and saved all those subscriber fees for a rainy day.”

Some Apartment 3ers recall the time that AOL was both relevant and useful.

“I miss the days of AOL’s supremacy,” said handywoman Jen Habel. “Thanks to all those CD-ROMs I got in the mail, I didn’t have to buy drink coasters for years.”

Ms. McCutchen also thinks the difficulties in the AOL/HuffPo merger could spell doom for other planned deals that involve irrelevant Internet companies.

“If the AOL thing doesn’t work out, the Prodigy-Drudge Report deal could fall through,” she said. “In which case I expect Compuserve to step in.”




June 6, 2011

Shaq Orders Truckload of Muumuus For Retirement

FUTURE HALL OF FAMER SHAQUILLE O'NEAL IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DAY THAT HE CAN EASILY DRESS HIMSELF.


ORLANDO, FL -- In what many experts are calling a sign that Shaquille O’Neal is serious about his retirement being permanent, the NBA superstar has purchased a truckload of muumuus to replace his current wardrobe.

The muumuu is a Hawaiian dress that hangs from the shoulders and is generally loose-fitting. While not necessarily meant for men, it has grown in popularity amongst the large or obese of both sexes thanks to its lack of restriction and ease of use.

“I’m going to miss a lot about the game,’’ Mr. O’Neal said. “I’m going to miss the competition, the camaraderie, the friendship, the fans. What I won’t miss is having to wear multiple pieces of clothing.”

“This is an unmistakable sign that [Shaq] is serious about his retirement,” said basketball analyst Michael Wilbon. “Once you make a transition to muumuus, there’s no going back.

“Sweatpants, maybe there’s a chance,” Mr. Wilbon continued, “but a commitment to muumuus for a guy like Shaq is a commitment to, let’s say, a certain lifestyle that is not conducive to athletic activity.”

Mr. O’Neal addressed the sweatpants issue directly during his retirement press conference.

“Sweatpants were certainly on the table,” he said. “But with sweatpants, I’d still have to put on a shirt most of the time. What a hassle.”

Fashion expert Dicky Bloads called Mr. O’Neal’s new wardrobe “bold and innovative, but also a loss to the fashion world.”

“For a man of his size, it would have been easy for him to go the muumuu route years ago,” Mr. Bloads said. “That he was able to pull off such finely tailored suits for all that time is a testament to his fashion sense. I wish him the best with his retirement wardrobe.”

Mr. O’Neal ended his press conference by saying he couldn’t wait to get home and get out of his suit.

“It’s going to be great to never have to put this suit on again,” he said. “It takes three people to get it on me. Getting dressed shouldn’t be this hard.”