Apple To Integrate Steve Jobs's DNA Into OS X

THE GENETIC INFORMATION OF STEVE JOBS WILL LIVE ON FOREVER INSIDE ALL APPLE PRODUCTS FROM NOW ON.

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Following the surprise announcement that Apple’s co-founder and visionary CEO was resigning due to health concerns, the Cupertino, CA, company unveiled plans to incorporate Mr. Jobs’s deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, into the next versions of their operating systems, OS X and iOS.

Cochran Can't Stop Watching Top Chef Marathon

COCHRAN HAS NOT LEFT THE COUCH IN HOURS.

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When town drunk Cochran was making his morning plans, he thought he would start off the day with a little television-watching.

Obama Finishes a Disappointing Last in Iowa State Fair Pie-Eating Contest

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA ONLY MANAGED TO EAT TWO ENTIRE PIES.

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DES MOINES, IA -- President Barack Obama has finished in last place in the Iowa State Fair’s annual pie-eating contest, throwing into doubt his bid to become the 2012 National Pie-Eating Champion.