October 26, 2011

Wall Street Executives Stage 'Occupy Walmart' Demonstrations

WALL STREET BANKERS HAD THEIR BUTLERS AND SERVANTS SAVE SPACE IN THE MORNING FOR THEIR PROTEST LATER.


NEWINGTON, CT -- Police officials managed to keep the peace at a local Walmart parking lot on Monday after nearly a dozen top Wall Street executives staged a protest against what they are calling “unfair access to the lowest prices. Always.”

October 12, 2011

Hobo Technology Is Not As Advanced As You Think


By COCHRAN, TOWN DRUNK

A whole lot has changed since my early days as the town drunk of Apartment 3. When I first got here, the weed-heads were still using collapsed beer cans to smoke their stash, as opposed to the solar-powered immersion-tank hookahs they’re using now.

Me? I used to sleep on a giant-sized hunk of packing foam, right over there under the dining room table where a land-line telephone used to be. Yeah, those were the days.

October 7, 2011

Palin Backs Out of House-Sitting Commitment Only Three Days Before It Was to Start

SARAH PALIN COULD NOT KEEP HER COMMITMENT TO HOUSE-SIT BECAUSE OF "STUFF."


ANN ARBOR, MI -- According to sources within the Drifting Pines neighborhood in this mid-western college town, former Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has indicated she will be backing out of a commitment she had made to house-sit for the Inderman famliy of 2132 Forest Crest Circle only three days before their vacation was set to begin.

October 3, 2011

Vatican Unveils First-Ever Abstinence Glory Hole

VISITORS TO THE VATICAN WAIT FOR HOURS ON END TO EXPERIENCE THE "HOLIEST OF HOLES."


VATICAN CITY -- On Sunday the Vatican celebrated the Grand Opening of the world’s first so-called “abstinence glory hole” with a lavish ceremony in Saint Peter’s Square attended by Pope Benedict XVI himself.