November 12, 2012

Eli Manning: 'Mama's Family Really Hit Its Stride in Season 3'

NEW YORK GIANTS QUARTERBACK ELI MANNING REITERATING HIS WISH THAT MAMA'S FAMILY RERUNS WERE STILL ON TV.


CINCINNATI, OH — Following Sunday’s 31-13 loss to the Bengals in which Eli Manning was sacked four times and threw two interceptions, the embattled New York Giants quarterback asserted that he thought season 3 was the best season of Mama’s Family, the sitcom that ran from 1983-1990 on NBC and in syndication.

November 9, 2012

I DVR'd the Election, So Don't Tell Me How It Ends, Okay?


By PAUL RYAN, FORMER VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

In the fine tradition of American democracy, over a hundred and twenty million voters headed to the polls on Tuesday to choose the next president of the United States and to set a new path going forward into our collective future. Just promise me that you won’t tell me how it ended, because I DVR’d it and won’t have a chance to watch it until tonight.

Normally, I would have watched it live, but I had a pretty intense abs workout on Tuesday, and after a short jog all I really wanted to do was veg out and catch up on the last few episodes of Breaking Amish, which were excellent, by the way.

November 6, 2012

How About 2 Out of 3?


By MITT ROMNEY, FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

I understand that this is normally where I’m supposed to concede to my opponent, with no conceivable way for me to pick up the Electoral College votes that it would take to be elected president. But, this time, let’s do something different.

Here’s the deal I’m offering you, President Obama: I will give you this one if you agree to go 2 out of 3 with me. We can stop counting the votes right now, declare you the winner of the first election, and we’ll start running again immediately. This has been a lot of fun, so why don’t we just keep it going for a couple more quick elections?

One-and-done is a pretty stupid way to pick a president anyway, don’t you think? Let’s have another debate next week, and everyone can vote again before Thanksgiving, and if we need to do a third, we’ll knock it out before Christmas.

This is pretty easy to do, if you think about it. Surely you can squeeze this into your schedule. What do you say? …

Would it helped if I begged? Please, I need this. It’s all I know.

October 26, 2012

Are You Better Off Today Than You Were Four Years Ago When You Were Preparing For the Collapse of Society?


By MITT ROMNEY, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

America is faced with a stark decision on November 6th, one that will change the course of our nation for a generation. When making your choice for president, it’s important to ask yourself one important question before heading to the polling place: Are you better off today than you were four years ago when you were preparing for the collapse of society?

President Obama can’t run on his record because he’s led this country to high unemployment, massive debt, and economic uncertainty. Compare that to when his term began, and you had a wonderfully stocked pantry full of canned goods, dehydrated food, rolls and rolls of duct tape, and brand-new gas masks.

October 23, 2012

Ann Coulter Sets World Cuntiness Record



Adjudicators with the Guinness Book of World Records have confirmed that syndicated columnist and political commentator Ann Coulter set a new world record for cuntiness during the third and last presidential debate last night.

Ms. Coulter surpassed the previous record with a series of tweets that culminated in a statement in which she called President Barack Obama a “retard.” Guinness officials said that the accumulated cuntiness of her career, which began in the late 1990’s, became the largest of all time shortly after the controversial tweet.

Previous record holder Tucker Carlson released a statement congratulating Ms. Coulter. “It’s an honor to lose my title to Ann,” the statement read. “She’s a total cunt.”

Guinness officials are expected to rule by tomorrow on whether or not Mr. Carlson’s statement puts him back in the lead.

August 10, 2012

Swine Gonorrhea is No Laughing Matter



BY CELEBRITY DOCTOR ROGER CHAKRAVORTI

Most Apartment 3ers are aware that the swine flu is a very real threat to their health and well being. And why wouldn’t they be? Swine flu gets all the attention in the media, and doctors all around the country are falling over themselves to diagnose and treat anyone with swine flu that they can in the hopes of making the papers.

At Dr. Chak’s Celebrity Medical Clinic we aim to stay on the leading edge of disease treatment technology. That’s why we can’t only be concerned with swine flu, but have to take all swine diseases into account. Here in Apartment 3, there’s a new threat on the horizon that hardly anyone’s talking about: Swine gonorrhea.

August 9, 2012

Herman Cain Forced to Apologize for Video In Which He Appears to Drown a Hobo

HERMAN CAIN MAINTAINS THAT "ONLY A FEW" HOBOS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THE CONTROVERSIAL INTERNET VIDEO.


Formal presidential candidate Herman Cain has issued an apology following a public outcry over a video his political action committee released this week in which Mr. Cain appears to drown a hobo.

August 6, 2012

Fast Food Restaurants Cashing In On Homophobia Craze

CHICK-FIL-A EMPLOYEES COULD BARELY KEEP UP WITH ALL THE HOMOPHOBIC ENERGY IN THE AIR ON WEDNESDAY. 


Following the massively successful Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day Wednesday, which featured jam-packed stores, record sales, and lines around the block for the embattled chicken sandwich merchant, many other fast food restaurants are eager to cash in on homophobia fever currently sweeping America.

March 6, 2012

Rush Limbaugh Still a Stupid Asshole

TALK SHOW HOST RUSH LIMBAUGH CONTINUES TO NOT SURPRISE ANYONE WITH HOW MUCH OF A DILDO HE IS SOMETIMES.


Following comments made by the conservative radio host on Wednesday, analysts have universally concluded that Rush Limbaugh remains a raging, douchey, and stupid fucking asshole.

March 2, 2012

Joseph Smith Posthumously Circumcised

 JOSEPH SMITH IS FINALLY LOSING HIS FORESKIN, 166 YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH.


TOPEKA, KS — A synagogue practicing an obscure denomination of Sephardic Judaism has started a nationwide controversy by going through with a long-planned ceremony to posthumously circumcise Joseph Smith, the inventor of Mormonism.

February 29, 2012

Speech From Independence Day Enters Race For GOP Nomination

THE POSTER FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY IS STAYING OUT OF THE RACE, FOR NOW.


With the Republican nomination for president still seemingly up for grabs, the iconic Speech From Independence Day has thrown its hat into the ring in the contest to decide the challenger to Barack Obama in the 2012 elections.

February 27, 2012

With New Nike Contract, Jeremy Lin Becomes Least Exploited Asian Worker in Company's History

JEREMY LIN HAS BLOWN THE SALARY CURVE FOR NIKE'S ENTIRE ASIAN WORKFORCE.


In New York and around the world, the exploits of Knicks point-guard Jeremy Lin — dubbed Linsanity — are bewitching sports fans and non-sports fans alike.

February 24, 2012

Vasectomies Are the Nuclear Holocaust of Birth Control


By RICK SANTORUM, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

A lot of folks out there have been asking me about the best way to strengthen their families. Some hard-working Americans are being led astray by the dark forces of Satan’s scientists, who are telling them that they can plan their families with the abomination of birth control in its many forms.

My opinions on the matter are quite public of course. Any sort of birth control is pure evil, and that’s that.

February 6, 2012

Romney: 'Poor People are Delicious'

MITT ROMNEY HAD HIS FIRST CANDID MOMENT ON TV SUNDAY NIGHT.


In an interview with MSNBC on Sunday night, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted that he thinks that the nation’s poor are “absolutely delicious.”

February 3, 2012

Nice Try


BY OSAMA BIN LADEN, SUPERTERRORIST

I’ll give you this, America: that was your best shot yet. A point blank double-tap to the head would kill most terrorists, so you certainly aren’t to blame for it not working.

And then sinking what you thought was my lifeless body to the bottom of the ocean? I have to reluctantly give credit where credit is due. That was a really nice try at killing me.

January 30, 2012

Santorum Campaign a Glaring Reminder of America's Self-Loathing

DRESSING AND ACTING LIKE A TOTAL DICK-BAG MAY ACTUALLY BE HELPING RICK SANTORUM'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.


After years wandering the political wilderness, former Republican senator Rick Santorum used a late surge in polling to capture a virtual tie for first place in the Iowa caucuses held earlier this month, which rejuvenated his flagging campaign and finally revealed on a national stage the level to which American self-loathing has risen.

January 27, 2012

GOP: Debates Renewed for Second Season

REALITY-TV HAS BECOME A STAPLE EVEN OF NEWS OUTLETS SUCH AS CNN.


Executives at CNN announced on Thursday that they had reached a deal with the Republican Party to renew the hit reality series GOP: Debates for a second season.

January 20, 2012

Newt Gingrich Thinking About Corn Dogs

FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NEWT GINGRICH WON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT CORN DOGS UNTIL HE GETS BACK TO HIS HOTEL ROOM LATER AND TAKES DOWN ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN OF THEM, AT LEAST.


In the final Republican presidential debate before the key South Carolina primary election, Newt Gingrich solidified his position as a strong contender to the current front-runner, Mitt Romney. Also, he is thinking about corn dogs.

January 16, 2012

Dalai Lama: 'Glad This Tebow Bullshit is Finally Over With'



In an interview on Sunday night, the 14th Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of Tibet, said that he was “glad that this Tim Tebow bullshit is finally over and done with,” referring to the Denver Broncos’ quarterback.

January 10, 2012

Tim Tebow Orchestrates Magical One-Game Winning Streak

DENVER BRONCOS QUARTERBACK TIM TEBOW IS ACCOMPLISHING THINGS ONLY THOUSANDS OF OTHERS HAVE BEFORE HIM.


DENVER, CO — On Sunday afternoon, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow single-handedly orchestrated a magical one-game winning streak for his team, a feat that had not been accomplished in league history since earlier that day.

January 9, 2012

Starting the Iraq War Might Not Have Been the Right Thing to Do, But At Least We Erred on the Side of Thousands and Thousands of Deaths


By GEORGE W. BUSH, 43rd PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

It has been a wonderful experience these past few weeks witnessing the return of our troops from Iraq. To watch as these brave men and women come home with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction is one of life’s true joys.

Making the call to start the Iraq War was perhaps the most difficult of my life. I struggled with it for a long time, and it was a source of tremendous anguish. In the end, the benefits of a liberated Iraq — including its ability to fight terror and to be a source of stability and freedom in a troubled region of the world — were too important to simply ignore.