January 20, 2012

Newt Gingrich Thinking About Corn Dogs

FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NEWT GINGRICH WON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT CORN DOGS UNTIL HE GETS BACK TO HIS HOTEL ROOM LATER AND TAKES DOWN ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN OF THEM, AT LEAST.


In the final Republican presidential debate before the key South Carolina primary election, Newt Gingrich solidified his position as a strong contender to the current front-runner, Mitt Romney. Also, he is thinking about corn dogs.

“Corn dogs are pretty much the greatest thing going,” Mr. Gingrich is currently thinking to himself. “Well, maybe not the greatest, but definitely up there.”

Coming on the heels of tawdry allegations from his second of three wives, Mr. Gingrich needed a strong showing in this debate, not only to gain ground on Mr. Romney, but to hold off advances from both Rick Santorum and Ron Paul.

Still, with all of this on the line, Mr. Gingrich can’t rid his mind of the image of a delicious all-beef frank, dipped in cornmeal batter and deep fried.

“In my opinion, the stick is what makes a corn dog a corn dog,” he continued to think. “Otherwise, it’s just a fried hot dog. Which is still fucking great, but when there’s a stick in there I don’t have to use my hands and get all messy. I always end up wiping them off on my suit.”

Mr. Gingrich’s surge of recent weeks gives him tremendous momentum going into South Carolina, which worries many of Mr. Romney’s campaign officials, but which surprisingly sinks Mr. Gingrich even deeper into contemplations on America’s favorite fairgrounds snack.

“Usually I dip my corn dogs in mustard,” he acknowledged in his head. “Though I’m not against ketchup. I wonder what mayonnaise would be like. Probably amazing. I’ll try that next time.”