January 30, 2012

Santorum Campaign a Glaring Reminder of America's Self-Loathing

DRESSING AND ACTING LIKE A TOTAL DICK-BAG MAY ACTUALLY BE HELPING RICK SANTORUM'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.


After years wandering the political wilderness, former Republican senator Rick Santorum used a late surge in polling to capture a virtual tie for first place in the Iowa caucuses held earlier this month, which rejuvenated his flagging campaign and finally revealed on a national stage the level to which American self-loathing has risen.

Mr. Santorum’s campaign has been marked by his usual socially-conservative rhetoric, support from evangelical voters, and endless pandering to the voting public’s hatred of themselves.

“He showed up in a pickup truck,” said Greenville, SC, pipe-fitter Randy Jacobs of the millionaire former senator from Pennsylvania who was in town for last week’s South Carolina primary election. “It’s the same make and model as mine, which is nice, but you could tell he doesn’t like driving it.

“It’s so obvious he’s just being completely condescending to us,” Mr. Jacobs continued. “I’ll probably vote for him.”

The candidate’s controversial stance on gay rights — which includes, but is not limited to, comparing homosexuality to incest and bestiality — has in the past allowed most of his supporters to successfully deflect their self-hatred onto others, but as Mr. Santorum’s campaign continues, that level of deception has become more and more difficult.

“I like how he talks about the gays being the source of all of our social problems,” said seamstress Angela Martin of Pensacola, FL. “That way, instead of punishing myself for being estranged from my gay sister for the last twenty years, I can punish him by electing him president.”

Mr. Santorum’s support from self-loathers even extends to how they feel about his wardrobe.

“When he first started wearing that sweater vest, I thought it was a joke,” said janitor Edward Watts of Ames, IA. “How could anyone look like that much of a douchetard and expect to be elected to anything.”

But, as many voters are coming to realize, Mr. Watts has accepted that his hatred of himself is enough to overcome any candidate’s shortcomings.

“I mean, of course [Mr. Santorum’s] a prick. Look at him,” Mr. Watts continued. “But, I suck, my life sucks, everyone around me sucks. That prick is the president we deserve.”