February 3, 2012

Nice Try


BY OSAMA BIN LADEN, SUPERTERRORIST

I’ll give you this, America: that was your best shot yet. A point blank double-tap to the head would kill most terrorists, so you certainly aren’t to blame for it not working.

And then sinking what you thought was my lifeless body to the bottom of the ocean? I have to reluctantly give credit where credit is due. That was a really nice try at killing me.

But it obviously didn’t work. Don’t feel bad about it. One of the perks of being the world’s number one supervillain is that you have teams of mad scientists working at your disposal, and it just so happens that the majority of mad scientists specialize in immortality. So sue me.

There have been some close calls in the past, don’t get me wrong. Blowing me to smithereens in Tora Bora was my first real big test at eternal life. It took almost a year for me to fully regain my superpowers. That was tough. When you’re used to the power of flight, it’s hard to go back to walking, even for a little while.

When I was infected with Typhoid fever in ‘06, it wasn’t so bad. A minor inconvenience. If nothing else, I would have to say that as an attempt on my life it was kind of cute.

Oh, and that contraption that I hook myself up to every day? That’s not dialysis like everyone thinks. It’s a little something that all of us down at the office call “Element X. ”It keeps my superpowers sharp and strong and I recommend it to anyone who wants to use evil against a formidable enemy. You can get it at any supervillain convention worth its salt.

So keep trying, America. As Lex Luthor once said, “every villain is only as great as his hero.”