February 29, 2012

Speech From Independence Day Enters Race For GOP Nomination


With the Republican nomination for president still seemingly up for grabs, the iconic Speech From Independence Day has thrown its hat into the ring in the contest to decide the challenger to Barack Obama in the 2012 elections.

Rumors of the announcement, swirling for months, were confirmed today at a press conference held in a hitherto-secret military base deep in the New Mexican desert.

“Mankind — that word should have new meaning for all of us today,” the Speech said. “We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests.”

The Republican primary season has been marked by a lingering apathy towards the current field of nominees, and voters have been scrambling to find a candidate that a movement can coalesce around.

An immediate groundswell of support has erupted around the new contender, seen by many as the ideal choice to lead the country through the myriad crises gripping its people, its economy, and its culture.

“Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July,” the Speech said, as usual sticking to its prepared remarks regardless of the actual date.

“You will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution — but from annihilation,” the Speech continued. “We're fighting for our right to live, to exist.”

The Speech From Independence Day represents a serious challenge to the GOP front-runners, according to elections expert Dicky Bloads.

“It’s running as the force that would unite a fractured state,” Mr. Bloads said. “Denouncing the petty squabbles and partisan politics that have prevented the nation from tackling its many problems — that’s what voters want to hear right now.”

Due in large part to the lack of a compelling field of candidates in the GOP race thus far, The Speech From Independence Day has gained considerable ground on its rivals.

Within hours of the announcement, the Speech was polling well above Ron Paul and quickly closing in on Rick Santorum.

“The power and potential of the Speech From Independence Day’s words are hard for the American electorate to deny,” Mr. Bloads continued. “Faced with economic free fall, a faltering foreign policy, various military engagements, domestic culture wars, and general discontent, it is no surprise that the Speech has garnered so much immediate support.”

Many see The Speech as the harbinger of a New Golden American Century, a view its campaign is not trying to fight. At a campaign stop in Arizona on Monday, The Speech From Independence Day rallied a crowd of retirees and veterans behind its message, and in what has become a hallmark of the Speech’s campaign, ended the assembly on an high emotional note.

“And should we win the day,” it said, “the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight. We're going to live on. We're going to survive.

“Today," the Speech continued to uproarious applause, "we celebrate our Independence Day!”