February 29, 2012

Speech From Independence Day Enters Race For GOP Nomination

THE POSTER FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY IS STAYING OUT OF THE RACE, FOR NOW.


With the Republican nomination for president still seemingly up for grabs, the iconic Speech From Independence Day has thrown its hat into the ring in the contest to decide the challenger to Barack Obama in the 2012 elections.

February 27, 2012

With New Nike Contract, Jeremy Lin Becomes Least Exploited Asian Worker in Company's History

JEREMY LIN HAS BLOWN THE SALARY CURVE FOR NIKE'S ENTIRE ASIAN WORKFORCE.


In New York and around the world, the exploits of Knicks point-guard Jeremy Lin — dubbed Linsanity — are bewitching sports fans and non-sports fans alike.

February 24, 2012

Vasectomies Are the Nuclear Holocaust of Birth Control


By RICK SANTORUM, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

A lot of folks out there have been asking me about the best way to strengthen their families. Some hard-working Americans are being led astray by the dark forces of Satan’s scientists, who are telling them that they can plan their families with the abomination of birth control in its many forms.

My opinions on the matter are quite public of course. Any sort of birth control is pure evil, and that’s that.

February 6, 2012

Romney: 'Poor People are Delicious'

MITT ROMNEY HAD HIS FIRST CANDID MOMENT ON TV SUNDAY NIGHT.


In an interview with MSNBC on Sunday night, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted that he thinks that the nation’s poor are “absolutely delicious.”

February 3, 2012

Nice Try


BY OSAMA BIN LADEN, SUPERTERRORIST

I’ll give you this, America: that was your best shot yet. A point blank double-tap to the head would kill most terrorists, so you certainly aren’t to blame for it not working.

And then sinking what you thought was my lifeless body to the bottom of the ocean? I have to reluctantly give credit where credit is due. That was a really nice try at killing me.