March 26, 2013

White House Asks Biden to Close His Chatroulette Account

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS REPORTEDLY CHATROULETTE USER "JOEBVP69."


White House insiders have confirmed that in a closed-door session, President Barack Obama asked Vice President Joe Biden to close his Chatroulette account “immediately,” after several reports reached the Oval Office regarding Mr. Biden’s sometimes questionable use of the service.

March 22, 2013

Peter Jackson Announces Plans to Release Second Hobbit Film as Three Separate Movies

PETER JACKSON IS TURNING THE SECOND ACT OF THE HOBBIT INTO A TRILOGY.


Filmmaker Peter Jackson, while doing press for the DVD and Blu-ray release of his most recent film, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, announced that he is planning on turning the second film in the Hobbit franchise into three separate films of their own.

March 12, 2013

The New Pope Is Gonna Get So Much Poontang


By VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

The papal conclave that starts today is sure to be one bitchin’ party. Talk about a shindig: robes that go all the way down to the floor, endless supplies of red wine, and the coolest hats in the business of God. Anybody that’s anybody would want to get down and get their drink on in that classy palace for a few days — hell, maybe months. Did you know the longest conclave lasted two-and-a-half years!? That puts even some of the times I had with the Stones back in ‘82 to shame.

Not like I can get an invite. Yeah, me, the VP, baby! They won’t even take my calls. The guest list for these things must be filled out decades in advance. Or maybe you have to already own one of those hats to get in.

March 1, 2013

AB InBev Fends Off Accusations of Horse Piss-Tainted Beer

CLYDESDALES ARE SUSPECTED OF NOT ONLY BEING A MAJOR PART OF BUDWEISER'S AD CAMPAIGN, BUT OF THEIR BREWING PROCESS AS WELL.


On the heels of a horse meat scandal rocking Europe, Anheuser-Busch InBev, the world’s largest brewer, now faces accusations that their beer contains the urine of horses. Distributors and consumers in all fifty states have complained that the company’s brands — including Budweiser, Michelob, Busch and Natural — have for years contained the distinct flavor of horse piss. “There’s no other way to explain the taste of this beer,” said beer drinker Samuel Greenberg, who said he purchases a six-pack of Bud Light on a weekly basis. “It’s pretty gross, but I’m only drinking it to get drunk.” In a statement released last week, Peter Kraemer, vice president of brewing and supply, called the accusations “groundless.” He continued: “We proudly adhere to the highest standards in brewing our beers, which have made them the best-selling in the U.S. and the world." The company, he says, “follows the same family recipe used by five generations of brewmasters, and has never included any horse piss. It just tastes that way.”