tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60653102679179803972012-05-21T06:58:21.599-06:00Apartment 3 GazetteThe realest news in the world since 1999!Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-57537207287274026732012-03-06T11:27:00.000-07:002012-03-06T11:28:26.730-07:00Rush Limbaugh Still a Stupid Asshole
TALK SHOW HOST RUSH LIMBAUGH CONTINUES TO NOT SURPRISE ANYONE WITH HOW MUCH OF A DILDO HE IS SOMETIMES.
Following comments made by the conservative radio host on Wednesday, analysts have universally concluded that Rush Limbaugh remains a raging, douchey, and stupid fucking asshole.
“The data is absolutely conclusive,” said shithead expert Dicky Bloads. “Just like when he suggested [NFL Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-47578178241570436642012-03-02T08:00:00.000-07:002012-03-02T08:00:16.831-07:00Joseph Smith Posthumously Circumcised
JOSEPH SMITH IS FINALLY LOSING HIS FORESKIN, 166 YEARS AFTER HIS DEATH.
TOPEKA, KS — A synagogue practicing an obscure denomination of Sephardic Judaism has started a nationwide controversy by going through with a long-planned ceremony to posthumously circumcise Joseph Smith, the inventor of Mormonism.
Rabbi Yisroel Leibowitz started the custom several years ago of performing a modified Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-76485157718148131532012-02-29T12:46:00.001-07:002012-02-29T17:24:58.857-07:00Speech From Independence Day Enters Race For GOP Nomination
THE POSTER FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY IS STAYING OUT OF THE RACE, FOR NOW.
With the Republican nomination for president still seemingly up for grabs, the iconic Speech From Independence Day has thrown its hat into the ring in the contest to decide the challenger to Barack Obama in the 2012 elections.
Rumors of the announcement, swirling for months, were confirmed today at a press conference Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-46968553010913593992012-02-27T09:00:00.000-07:002012-02-27T09:47:30.710-07:00With New Nike Contract, Jeremy Lin Becomes Least Exploited Asian Worker in Company's History
JEREMY LIN HAS BLOWN THE SALARY CURVE FOR NIKE'S ENTIRE ASIAN WORKFORCE.
In New York and around the world, the exploits of Knicks point-guard Jeremy Lin — dubbed Linsanity — are bewitching sports fans and non-sports fans alike.
Now, both the player and Nike, his apparel sponsor, are poised to cash in on Mr. Lin’s exploding popularity in both America and Asia with a big-money contract Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-1143632515932971612012-02-24T08:00:00.000-07:002012-02-29T17:29:46.593-07:00Vasectomies Are the Nuclear Holocaust of Birth Control
By RICK SANTORUM, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
A lot of folks out there have been asking me about the best way to strengthen their families. Some hard-working Americans are being led astray by the dark forces of Satan’s scientists, who are telling them that they can plan their families with the abomination of birth control in its many forms.
My opinions on the matter are quite public of course. Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-76052830252427318032012-02-06T15:00:00.000-07:002012-02-06T15:13:16.821-07:00Romney: 'Poor People are Delicious'
MITT ROMNEY HAD HIS FIRST CANDID MOMENT ON TV SUNDAY NIGHT.
In an interview with MSNBC on Sunday night, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney admitted that he thinks that the nation’s poor are “absolutely delicious.”
“The very poorest Americans serve a vital purpose in this country,” he said. “They are some of the most wonderful, plump and delicious people we have.”
Later in the Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-90948857205214845562012-02-03T15:05:00.001-07:002012-02-06T15:13:38.712-07:00Nice Try
BY OSAMA BIN LADEN, SUPERTERRORIST
I’ll give you this, America: that was your best shot yet. A point blank double-tap to the head would kill most terrorists, so you certainly aren’t to blame for it not working.
And then sinking what you thought was my lifeless body to the bottom of the ocean? I have to reluctantly give credit where credit is due. That was a really nice try at killing me.
Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-26468309995508629612012-01-30T13:26:00.001-07:002012-02-06T15:12:46.208-07:00Santorum Campaign a Glaring Reminder of America's Self-Loathing
DRESSING AND ACTING LIKE A TOTAL DICK-BAG MAY ACTUALLY BE HELPING RICK SANTORUM'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
After years wandering the political wilderness, former Republican senator Rick Santorum used a late surge in polling to capture a virtual tie for first place in the Iowa caucuses held earlier this month, which rejuvenated his flagging campaign and finally revealed on a national stage theRobb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-85764491704579024562012-01-27T15:37:00.000-07:002012-02-06T15:13:57.605-07:00GOP: Debates Renewed for Second Season
REALITY-TV HAS BECOME A STAPLE EVEN OF NEWS OUTLETS SUCH AS CNN.
Executives at CNN announced on Thursday that they had reached a deal with the Republican Party to renew the hit reality series GOP: Debates for a second season.
“GOP: Debates has been a solid performer in our primetime lineup, and has truly engaged American audiences,” said CNN’s director of programming Janelle Rodriguez. “WeRobb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-53851843148686171642012-01-20T14:47:00.000-07:002012-02-07T11:45:01.074-07:00Newt Gingrich Thinking About Corn Dogs
FORMER SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NEWT GINGRICH WON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT CORN DOGS UNTIL HE GETS BACK TO HIS HOTEL ROOM LATER AND TAKES DOWN ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN OF THEM, AT LEAST.
In the final Republican presidential debate before the key South Carolina primary election, Newt Gingrich solidified his position as a strong contender to the current front-runner, Mitt Romney. Also, he is thinking about Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-978827276195499022012-01-16T11:19:00.001-07:002012-02-07T11:45:23.964-07:00Dalai Lama: 'Glad This Tebow Bullshit is Finally Over With'
In an interview on Sunday night, the 14th Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of Tibet, said that he was “glad that this Tim Tebow bullshit is finally over and done with,” referring to the Denver Broncos’ quarterback.
“He was the only thing you’d hear about. Tebow this, Tebow that. It was almost enough to make me want Brett Favre to make a comeback.”
The Dalai Lama then added that if he had to Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-78721093615513349022012-01-10T16:28:00.002-07:002012-02-07T11:46:39.636-07:00Tim Tebow Orchestrates Magical One-Game Winning Streak
DENVER BRONCOS QUARTERBACK TIM TEBOW IS ACCOMPLISHING THINGS ONLY THOUSANDS OF OTHERS HAVE BEFORE HIM.
DENVER, CO — On Sunday afternoon, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow single-handedly orchestrated a magical one-game winning streak for his team, a feat that had not been accomplished in league history since earlier that day.
After leading his team to a truly amazing 7-4 record as a Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-39681820661467434402012-01-09T13:46:00.000-07:002012-02-07T11:45:46.860-07:00Starting the Iraq War Might Not Have Been the Right Thing to Do, But At Least We Erred on the Side of Thousands and Thousands of Deaths
By GEORGE W. BUSH, 43rd PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
It has been a wonderful experience these past few weeks witnessing the return of our troops from Iraq. To watch as these brave men and women come home with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction is one of life’s true joys.
Making the call to start the Iraq War was perhaps the most difficult of my life. I struggled with it for a long Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-67435859503037497292011-11-22T14:25:00.001-07:002012-02-08T11:43:10.111-07:00Apartment 3ers Looking Forward to Trampling Fellow Shoppers to Death on Black Friday
FOR MOST APARTMENT 3ERS, BLACK FRIDAY IS THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO BE A PART OF AN ANGRY MOB.
Jen Sally-Wag, a teacher and longtime Apartment 3er, has been taking advantage of Black Friday sales since she was a child.
“My mother and I used to get up hours before dawn,” she said. “It’s the only way to take advantage of all the hottest deals. And to make sure you’ve got a Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-39356816496259169652011-11-21T18:30:00.001-07:002012-02-08T11:45:56.059-07:00Study: Obesity Epidemic Linked To Delicious, Delicious Food
SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THERE MAY BE A CORRELATION BETWEEN INSANELY FAT PEOPLE AND THE EXISTENCE OF BACON-CHEESEBURGER PIZZA.
In a landmark study released on Monday, researchers with the American Obesity Institute have discovered a link between the country’s escalating obesity epidemic and fabulously delicious food.
Roughly a third of Americans are now obese -- defined as roughly thirty pounds Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-55360014157810108212011-11-18T12:43:00.001-07:002012-02-08T11:44:05.533-07:00My Record of Hand-Job Creation Speaks for Itself
By HERMAN CAIN, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE
The tough issue facing America today is the economy. Whether your family is having trouble paying the mortgage, falling behind on student loans, or even finding it difficult to fill up your gas tank, millions of people are struggling.
To bring prosperity back to our country, it’s time we got serious about job growth. To reach full employment we are goingRobb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-17522551470103151002011-10-26T01:35:00.000-06:002012-02-08T11:44:31.488-07:00Wall Street Executives Stage 'Occupy Walmart' Demonstrations
WALL STREET BANKERS HAD THEIR BUTLERS AND SERVANTS SAVE SPACE IN THE MORNING FOR THEIR PROTEST LATER.
NEWINGTON, CT -- Police officials managed to keep the peace at a local Walmart parking lot on Monday after nearly a dozen top Wall Street executives staged a protest against what they are calling “unfair access to the lowest prices. Always.”
“We have had enough of the bottom 99% getting all Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-47212688687461893542011-10-12T12:20:00.000-06:002012-02-08T11:45:02.355-07:00Hobo Technology Is Not As Advanced As You Think
By COCHRAN, TOWN DRUNK
A whole lot has changed since my early days as the town drunk of Apartment 3. When I first got here, the weed-heads were still using collapsed beer cans to smoke their stash, as opposed to the solar-powered immersion-tank hookahs they’re using now.
Me? I used to sleep on a giant-sized hunk of packing foam, right over there under the dining room table where a land-line Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-6739415538286986062011-10-06T23:00:00.000-06:002012-01-27T17:24:48.857-07:00Palin Backs Out of House-Sitting Commitment Only Three Days Before It Was to Start
SARAH PALIN COULD NOT KEEP HER COMMITMENT TO HOUSE-SIT BECAUSE OF "STUFF."
ANN ARBOR, MI -- According to sources within the Drifting Pines neighborhood in this mid-western college town, former Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has indicated she will be backing out of a commitment she had made to house-sit for the Inderman famliy of 2132 Forest Crest Circle only three days Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-76358097424337692302011-10-03T15:15:00.000-06:002012-01-27T17:25:51.802-07:00Vatican Unveils First-Ever Abstinence Glory Hole
VISITORS TO THE VATICAN WAIT FOR HOURS ON END TO EXPERIENCE THE "HOLIEST OF HOLES."
VATICAN CITY -- On Sunday the Vatican celebrated the Grand Opening of the world’s first so-called “abstinence glory hole” with a lavish ceremony in Saint Peter’s Square attended by Pope Benedict XVI himself.
Prominently displayed just outside Saint Peter’s Basilica and housed in a gilded domicile befitting Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-18373526596334318772011-09-26T11:53:00.000-06:002012-01-27T17:27:03.987-07:00Ripper Uses the Power of Sports Gambling to Make $1000 Vanish Into Thin Air
RIPPER, WEARING THE SHIRT THAT HE WOULD LATER LOSE OFF HIS BACK.
Using only the power of gambling, Apartment 3 degenerate Ripper, over the course of just the first three weeks of football season, was able to turn a bank-roll of just over $1000 into exactly $0, all while having absolutely, fucking nothing to show for it.
"Talk about a goddamn disaster," said Mr. Ripper, whose first name isRobb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-20970983084497875742011-09-09T12:34:00.001-06:002012-01-27T17:27:27.015-07:00Romney Touts His List of Republican Talking Points as the Most-Recently Photocopied
MITT ROMNEY'S OLD IDEAS HAVE BEEN COMMITTED TO BRAND NEW PAPER.
NORTH LAS VEGAS, NV -- On Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney unveiled his copy of well-worn Republican talking points to members of the media and supporters of his presidential campaign.
“These are tried and true policies that will rejuvenate the economy, create thousands and thousands of new jobs, and bring Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-13278271251954889602011-09-08T11:45:00.000-06:002012-01-27T17:27:39.654-07:00Robertson: Texas Wildfires Punishment for Rick Perry's Vasectomy
PAT ROBERTSON CLAIMS THAT GOD'S PREFERRED FORM OF COMMUNICATION WITH THE HUMAN RACE IS NATURAL DISASTERS.
Televangelist Pat Robertson said on Wednesday’s 700 Club that the wildfires blazing across the state of Texas are God’s way of punishing the state for electing their vasectomised governor, Rick Perry.
“Vasectomies are sins. People forget that,” said Mr. Robertson during the opening Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-24413973731038673972011-08-25T15:37:00.000-06:002012-01-27T17:28:00.298-07:00Apple To Integrate Steve Jobs's DNA Into OS X
THE GENETIC INFORMATION OF STEVE JOBS WILL LIVE ON FOREVER INSIDE ALL APPLE PRODUCTS FROM NOW ON.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Following the surprise announcement that Apple’s co-founder and visionary CEO was resigning due to health concerns, the Cupertino, CA, company unveiled plans to incorporate Mr. Jobs’s deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA, into the next versions of their operating systems, OS X andRobb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6065310267917980397.post-86971853034536295712011-08-24T12:33:00.002-06:002012-01-27T17:28:11.719-07:00Cochran Can't Stop Watching Top Chef Marathon
COCHRAN HAS NOT LEFT THE COUCH IN HOURS.
When town drunk Cochran was making his morning plans, he thought he would start off the day with a little television-watching.
"I usually like to have something to look at while I'm taking down my first Bloody Mary of the day," he said from the couch Tuesday evening. "I never thought I would be sitting here all day long."
Mr. Cochran's idleness Robb Witmer Fullhttps://profiles.google.com/101045144830349837816noreply@blogger.com0