January 28, 2011

Cochran Can't Find Own Ass WIth Both Hands


Nearly two hours after the search started, town drunk Cochran has finally given up looking for his own ass, even after using both hands.

"I've given this everything I've got," Mr. Cochran said at a press conference on Tuesday. "There's nothing else I can do. I have to move on."

The hunt began when Mr. Cochran was preparing to go from the living room to the front porch. Somehow, he had misplaced his beer in the eight minutes since he opened it.

"It's not like it was small," he said. "It was a forty-ounce Sierra Ice. I should have been able to find it easily, even with double vision."

"He searched every goddamn inch of the apartment," said guidance councilor Andrew Clarke. "Of course, it was out on the front porch the whole time. He forgot he'd taken it out there.

"That's when I said, 'Cochran, you couldn't find your own ass with both hands,'" Mr. Clarke continued. "I guess he thought it was a challenge instead of a bad joke."

Mr. Clarke says he doesn't feel at all guilty about Mr. Cochran's predicament.

"I didn't think he would actually have trouble finding [his own ass]," said Mr. Clarke. "Well, maybe with one hand, but certainly not both."

Mr. Cochran maintains that he never took the challenge less than seriously.

"Okay, at first I used one hand," he said. "I thought, How hard could this be? It's my own ass. But once I ran into complications, I started using both hands."

"We all knew Cochran was a complete incompetent," said town slut Jen Hapswitch. "But this incompetent?"

Others were skeptical of Mr. Cocrhan's attempt to find his own ass from the beginning.

"I knew the whole time he wouldn't be able to do it," said the Reverend J. Proie, who even won a wager on the matter. "Now Coach Sutton owes me two hours of phone sex."

Mr. Cochran isn't giving up without feeling a little disappointed in himself.

"I let myself down," he said. "Maybe if I wasn't so hammered all the time I'd be able to find my own ass. Whatever. Fuck it. At least I found my beer."