March 31, 2011

Witmer Found Passed Out


Very early on Friday morning, Apartment 3 Gazette editor-publisher Robb Witmer was found passed out on the living room couch. Despite many attempts to awaken him, he remained in a severely unconscious state.

Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti was on the scene and made an immediate diagnosis.

"In my medical opinion, it seems as though he got all fucked-up and then passed out," Dr. Chakravorti explained. "Most likely shortly after three in the morning."

March 29, 2011

Do You Guys Work Out? ...Sweet
by God's Gift to Working Out

What's going on bros? That was one hell of a game last night, eh? Yeah, but without that big play by the "D" they probably never would have won. . .

Hey, do you guys work out? You do? Sweet.

[high fives]

Yeah, we can pretty much tell. You see, we totally work out too. About, oh, two or three times a day.

So many different exercises. Bench press, military press, squat, upright row and bent-over row. Three sets each. Ten reps. Forty-five seconds of rest in between sets. That pretty much works every major muscle group. We do that fifty times.

March 28, 2011

Ripper Still Hasn't Done the Goddamn Dishes


According to Apartment 3ers who have visited the kitchen over the past week, local degenerate Ripper has yet to do the goddamn dishes he used over two months ago.

"It's totally disgusting," said seamstress Jen McConnell, who was in the kitchen as recently as yesterday. "What kind of an asshole is he?

"The last time Mr. Ripper neglected dishes for this long was from October 1999 through April 2000. That situation got so bad, according to Gazette archives, that many plates, glasses and silverware had to be discarded due to what witnesses called "unbelievable and unbearable amounts of mold and shit like that."

Many believed it could never get worse, though experts are warning Apartment 3ers to be prepared for the unthinkable.

"The situation in April 2000 was very bad," explained Professor Larry Lawrence of Apartment 3 University. "However, we might be dealing with a unique situation this time around."

The last time Mr. Ripper was seen in the kitchen for any reason other than to fetch himself a can of beer was in mid-January when he attempted to recreate a dish he had eaten at a local restaurant.

"He did a seared sea bass served with a dill egg-yolk and cream sauce," said Prof. Lawrence. "Can you imagine what that's like at the bottom of a sink two months later? Good god."

Ms. McConnell was also in the kitchen the night Mr. Ripper made the sea bass.


"He didn't bother to clean anything off, not even a little," she said. "He threw the plates and pans and that other crap in the sink and said something about cleaning it up later. Yeah, right."

When reached for comment, Mr. Ripper insisted that he will be doing the dishes very soon.

"For one, it hasn't been that long," he says.

Mr. Ripper claims that the records produced by a Gazette investigation into the matter are erroneous.

"I know everyone is saying it's been months, but it's not like anyone told me about it," he moaned. "I put it off for a few weeks. So what? Can't someone else do it."

When Mr. Ripper was reminded of Apartment 3's strict "Do your own goddamn dishes" policy, he agreed that it was his responsibility.

"I'm getting around to it," Mr. Ripper said. "I was going to do it today anyway, as soon as I get out of bed and do some other shit."

Outraged residents aren't buying it.

"I think the apartment should come to terms with the fact that Ripper will never do the goddamn dishes," said rapper Bobby D. "We'll probably have to bring a hazmat crew in here to make the kitchen safe again."

"We'll see," Mr. Ripper said. "I think someone is just upset that I didn't share the sea bass that I cooked. Dee-lish!"

March 25, 2011

Poll: Microwave Most Popular Appliance


A poll sponsored by the Apartment 3 Gazette and the Lavina Avenue Council on House & Home shows the microwave is the most popular household appliance of Apartment 3ers by an overwhelming margin.

55 percent of respondents ranked the microwave as their favorite household appliance, with the electric stove finishing second, chosen by nearly 20 percent of residents.

Other notables include the coffee-maker at 11 percent, and the Accommodator, a vibrating dildo, receiving 5 percent.

March 24, 2011

I'll Totally Get You Back If You Cover Me For Rent This Month

Dude, it looks like I might be a little short on rent this month. I've just gotten off the phone with my financial adviser and gone over all of my assets, and from the looks of things, I definitely won't make it.

How short am I? All of it.

But if you can cover me for it this month, I'll totally get you back. Even some extra if you need it, like interest or something. Or I can pay your rent for you next month. Whatever works for you.

What happened was, I just bought my plane ticket to Paris for my trip there this summer and I didn't even think about the fact that rent was due so soon. I'm so bad with dates.