March 28, 2011

Ripper Still Hasn't Done the Goddamn Dishes


According to Apartment 3ers who have visited the kitchen over the past week, local degenerate Ripper has yet to do the goddamn dishes he used over two months ago.

"It's totally disgusting," said seamstress Jen McConnell, who was in the kitchen as recently as yesterday. "What kind of an asshole is he?

"The last time Mr. Ripper neglected dishes for this long was from October 1999 through April 2000. That situation got so bad, according to Gazette archives, that many plates, glasses and silverware had to be discarded due to what witnesses called "unbelievable and unbearable amounts of mold and shit like that."

Many believed it could never get worse, though experts are warning Apartment 3ers to be prepared for the unthinkable.

"The situation in April 2000 was very bad," explained Professor Larry Lawrence of Apartment 3 University. "However, we might be dealing with a unique situation this time around."

The last time Mr. Ripper was seen in the kitchen for any reason other than to fetch himself a can of beer was in mid-January when he attempted to recreate a dish he had eaten at a local restaurant.

"He did a seared sea bass served with a dill egg-yolk and cream sauce," said Prof. Lawrence. "Can you imagine what that's like at the bottom of a sink two months later? Good god."

Ms. McConnell was also in the kitchen the night Mr. Ripper made the sea bass.


"He didn't bother to clean anything off, not even a little," she said. "He threw the plates and pans and that other crap in the sink and said something about cleaning it up later. Yeah, right."

When reached for comment, Mr. Ripper insisted that he will be doing the dishes very soon.

"For one, it hasn't been that long," he says.

Mr. Ripper claims that the records produced by a Gazette investigation into the matter are erroneous.

"I know everyone is saying it's been months, but it's not like anyone told me about it," he moaned. "I put it off for a few weeks. So what? Can't someone else do it."

When Mr. Ripper was reminded of Apartment 3's strict "Do your own goddamn dishes" policy, he agreed that it was his responsibility.

"I'm getting around to it," Mr. Ripper said. "I was going to do it today anyway, as soon as I get out of bed and do some other shit."

Outraged residents aren't buying it.

"I think the apartment should come to terms with the fact that Ripper will never do the goddamn dishes," said rapper Bobby D. "We'll probably have to bring a hazmat crew in here to make the kitchen safe again."

"We'll see," Mr. Ripper said. "I think someone is just upset that I didn't share the sea bass that I cooked. Dee-lish!"