March 31, 2011

Witmer Found Passed Out


Very early on Friday morning, Apartment 3 Gazette editor-publisher Robb Witmer was found passed out on the living room couch. Despite many attempts to awaken him, he remained in a severely unconscious state.

Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti was on the scene and made an immediate diagnosis.

"In my medical opinion, it seems as though he got all fucked-up and then passed out," Dr. Chakravorti explained. "Most likely shortly after three in the morning."

Mr. Witmer is believed to have spent the evening at Grinspan's Pub and Grill consuming large quantities of both fried foods and cheap beer.

"It's a sure-fire way to pass out," Dr. Chakravorti continued. "Especially if you're a pussy."
Town drunk Cochran was at Grinspan's as well, and reported seeing Mr. Witmer drinking beer by the pitcherful.

"I could see him from my barstool," Mr. Cochran said. "He was drinking and arguing with the other customers. He stumbled out right after last call. Nothing out of the ordinary."

It was after Mr. Witmer returned to the living room couch that it is believed he passed out, but not before putting on the DVD of Road House, starring Patrick Swayze.

"When we found him, [Road House] was about halfway through," said handywoman Jen Habel. "It's actually kind of amazing that no matter how shit-hammered he is, he always has the wherewithal to put in a Swayze flick."

"It's an absolute classic," Dr. Chakravorti said, "though I seriously doubt that he made it through even the opening scene at the Double Deuce. He's that wasted."

In an attempt to prove how wasted Mr. Witmer indeed was, many residents used the opportunity to decorate his body with all forms of garbage.

"It was my idea to put the Wendy's hat on him, and to take pictures," said poolboy Matt Sackage. "I did think the beer cans were a little gauche, though."

"He got what he deserved," said Ms. Habel.   "I can't take any credit for the empty Jack [Daniel's] bottles, but I totally drew that shit on his face."

Dr. Chakravorti made clear that Mr. Witmer should make a full recovery, perhaps within a matter of hours.

"He'll probably stay on the couch until well into [Friday] afternoon," he said. "But once he has a quart or two of Bloody Marys, and watches Road House again, he should be back to normal."