April 27, 2011

Obama Hoping to Finally Get His Washington, D.C., Driver's Licence


WASHINGTON, DC -- Acknowledging that he’s “already put it off for far too long,” President Barack Obama said on Wednesday that now that he’s found his birth certificate, he hopes he finds time next week to finally get his Washington, D.C., driver’s licence.

“The DMV makes you jump through so many hoops,” Mr. Obama said. “I knew that I had [my birth certificate] somewhere, but after moving to Washington a couple of years ago, I hadn’t been able to find it.”

“Plus, my Illinois licence wasn’t expired yet,” he continued, “so I put it off. Probably for longer than I should have.”

After months of looking everywhere he could think of for his birth certificate, the president finally stumbled upon it when he was least expecting to.

“It was tucked into the endnotes section of Infinite Jest, if you can believe that,” chuckled Mr. Obama. “I was having an argument with [Jonathan] Franzen over Twitter about what the subtitle to Cage III was, when all of a sudden, there’s my birth certificate.

“I thought I was putting it somewhere safe, where I wouldn’t forget about it. Well, I guess I ended up hiding it from myself.”

It wasn’t just a lack of proper paperwork that was keeping Mr. Obama from finally making the time to go down to the DMV.

“I’ve been super busy with work,” the president said. “That’s kind of a lame excuse, I know, but who has the time to sit around the DMV all day?”

Mr. Obama admits that his calendar isn’t exactly clearing up.

“If I don’t do it now, when will I?” he said. “As soon as I get this budget taken care of, I have to pick a day and just get it done, because I’ve got another [presidential] campaign right around the corner, and once I’m into that, forget it.”

The president says that so far he’s been lucky that his drivers licence hasn’t been an issue.

“With my job, I don’t do a whole lot of driving,” said Mr. Obama. “When I do, it’s usually late at night to pick up a pack of smokes, or a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or something.

“I drive cautiously, hoping to not get pulled over,” he continued. “And if I do, I could probably talk my way out of it.”

Republican presidential front-runner, famous asshole Donald Trump, has wondered publicly if Mr. Obama will be able to simply switch his Illinois licence for a Washington licence.

“I’m not saying his current drivers licence has been expired for more than three months or not. I don’t know one way or the other,” Mr. Trump said.

“If it has been, he’ll have to take the Learner’s Permit Test,” continued Mr. Trump. “Then we’ll have a little more information regarding his qualifications as a licenced driver.”

“I’m not going to speculate on how I would do on the Learner’s Permit Test,” Mr. Obama said. “The facts are the facts. I won’t have to take the test.”

Shortly after Mr. Obama’s press conference, Fox News released a poll showing that 52% of Americans believe Mr. Obama would fail the Learner’s Permit Test.

April 21, 2011

Poinsettia Takes Off Shirt


Indicating his need to "air out" on Monday, arm-wrestler Tony Poinsettia took his t-shirt, the only article of clothing covering his upper body, off.

"Whew," said Mr. Poinsettia, also known as the "Apartment 3 Kid". "Is it hot in here?”

Some in the room with him tried their best to pay as little notice as they could to Mr. Poinsettia's shirtlessness.

April 14, 2011

What Will Be This Year's Hot New Food Allergy?


I get so much mail at Dr. Chak’s Celebrity Medical Clinic that it’s hard to keep up with it all sometimes. A lot of it is the standard fan-mail type stuff, but that comes with the territory of being Doctor to the Stars.

And right up front, to answer the question asked most often: briefs.

Most of the other mail is usually from fans who want to stay on the cutting edge of health and fitness trends. No one wants to be behind the times, or to be caught sleeping when the next big thing hits.

It wasn’t too long ago that my patients and I were leading the way on gluten allergies, and it certainly is the hottest allergy out there. But it’s to the point now that if you have a gluten allergy, you’re just part of the pack instead of leading it.

Those aren’t the type of clients -- or fans -- that I have. They’re not interested in whatever everybody else has. A gluten allergy might seem like the bee’s knees, but the truth is they’ve gone the way of nut allergies. When little kids start to have the same allergies as you, it’s just not cool any more.

My clients demand to stay ahead of the curve when it comes to food allergies and all the new, exciting ways to get attention at dinner parties, restaurants or family functions that go along with them.

I’m thinking maybe a combo gluten/corn allergy could be trendy this year. Corn is in practically everything, and if you’ve already committed to being allergic to gluten, this duo could make the limits to your options practically limitless!

I’m also thinking that taking your existing allergies to the next level could be huge. Sure, everyone in your neighborhood is sporting a gluten allergy, but what if you’re so allergic that you can’t even touch it, or be in the same room with it. Sounds crazy, but it worked for peanuts.

If you’re willing to ditch the gluten allergy entirely, there are a lot of directions we could go. Some of my clients are trying out being allergic to certain colored foods. You’d be surprised how many foods you are allergic to if you pick a color like red, or green. This is a tough one to pull off, however, so I’d recommend it only to those experienced in food allergies.

Some out there are predicting that being allergic to a specific animal -- chicken, beef, pork, etc, -- could be an emerging trend this year. My stance on it is that there are so many vegetarian and vegan options out there these days that it’s way too easy to avoid these foods for me to recommend this as an allergy.

My prediction for the next allergy craze is based on the growing popularity of local food. Everybody is concerned about where their food is coming from these days, so why not add an allergy aspect to it?

You could be allergic to any food that comes from west of the Mississippi, or north of Colorado. And it’s easy to differentiate yourself from the so-called “localvores” by being allergic to food grown in the region you live in.

Just by being allergic to food grown in California alone you could change your diet dramatically. And just wait until you start asking restaurant staff if any of their food is grown below the 30th parallel. The look on their faces is priceless.

The most important thing to remember about food allergies -- and what I tell all of my clients -- is that it’s important to be creative about it.

Your food allergies should be an expression of yourself, not a way for you to fit in with the crowd. Go out there and find an allergy that’s right for you.

April 13, 2011

Study: Work Sucks Dick


A year-long study by Apartment 3 University scientists has found that work -- particularly the variety that includes having a boss with expectations, and a schedule that requires one to be somewhere at certain times -- sucks complete dick.

"Our findings are not all that surprising," said A3U's Professor Larry Lawrence, who led the study.

April 12, 2011

Barth's Swingers Early Odds-On Favorite to Win World Series


The Sacramento Swingers, a Create-A-Team addition to the National League West Division in banker Ryan Barth's recently begun season ofMLB 2007 on PlayStation 2, are heavy favorites to win their 12th consecutive World Series Championship.

After only one day, the Swingers have posted a 10-0 record and outscored their opponents 211-42.

"Every other team in the entire National League is completely over-matched," said Mr. Barth. "I'm so fucking awesome."

April 11, 2011

Music Review: I Just Got Arrested
Bobby D - UpFukt Reckordz

Anybody who's followed the career of Apartment 3's own Bobby D may have noticed a certain lack of inspiration on his last five albums. It's as though the rapper was missing a dramatic tension in his life.

The disc released just before those five, last year’s Ouch, My Ass!, which chronicled his ordeal of being gunned down, is arguably his best work, and one of the best rap albums in Apartment 3's history.

On top of beats running the gamut from dancey to trancey to hard-core, D rapped with a surgeon's precision on tracks such as "This Really Fukin' Hurts," and "My Ass Be Bleedin' (No, Not Like That)."

April 10, 2011

Ripper to Start Doing Push-Ups


Minutes after eating an entire eighteen-inch cheesesteak sandwich followed by half a box of Thin Mint cookies on Sunday night, local degenerate Ripper announced his intention to start doing push-ups again, perhaps as often as every morning.

“I’ve gotta get serious about getting back into shape,” Mr. Ripper said through a cloud of cigarette smoke. “It’s getting ridiculous.”

At first, Mr. Ripper’s plan was to begin his new regimen Monday morning, but he quickly decided that it might be best to start right away.

“No time like the present,” he said. “Time to see what I’m packing.”

Mr. Ripper then got down on the floor, into what he thought was a proper push-up position.

“Wow, it’s been a while,” he said before getting back up to finish his cigarette. “Just give me a minute.”

Onlookers in the living room tried their best to ignore Mr. Ripper.

“Again with the push-ups?” asked bartender Jen Grinspan. “He does this like once a week. There’s no chance in hell he’s going to do push-ups every day. I don’t think he really knows how.”

“This is going to be hilarious,” said bookie Shifty Sanchez as Mr. Ripper was getting back down on the ground. “I’d put the over/under at one-and-a-half push-ups.”

Mr. Ripper then managed to do four push-ups, though his form was suspect.

“Those weren't push-ups,” said coach Gay Sutton. “It looked like he was doing the worm, but in one place. Can he seriously not even do one real push-up?”

“What do you mean? Those were totally push-ups,” said Mr. Ripper as he lit another cigarette.

“But I should be able to do more than four. I could have done a lot more if I hadn’t just eaten a big meal. And I probably should have warmed up or something first. And been less drunk.”

Mr. Ripper has been meaning to institute an exercise routine into his life for years now, and he believes push-ups are the place to start.

“If I start every day off like that, pretty soon I’ll be doing tons of push-ups,” he said. “Then maybe I’ll move on to more intense exercises.”

The four half-assed push-ups Mr. Ripper did on Sunday night represent the only physical activity he’s done in almost half a decade, with the exception of playing video games and smoking.

“He constantly tells me he wants to play basketball with me, but he always finds a reason to back out,” said town drunk Cochran, who claims to have had dozens of pick-up basketball sessions with Mr. Ripper canceled at the last minute.

“The last time he cancelled, he said it was because he had to put gas in his car,” Mr. Cochran continued. “I don’t even know how that’s a real excuse.”

To hear Mr. Ripper himself tell it, beginning his new push-up regimen is a turning point in his life.

“It’s time to start getting my shit together,” he said. “I’m getting back in shape. I’m going to start eating right and drinking less. Then I’m going to quit smoking.

“Starting tomorrow, of course, so I might as well get shit-hammered tonight.”

As of press time, Mr. Ripper had not yet done his daily push-ups, but claimed he was going to start very soon.

“Ugh, I’m so hungover,” he said from the living room couch. “But as soon as I’m done eating this box of Pop Tarts, I’m going to do [push-ups].

“And if not today, then definitely tomorrow.”

April 8, 2011

Who Knew That It Would Be So Easy to Not Work?
by Scarpino Smith, unemployed janitor

Before I lost my job a few months back, I'd always assumed being unemployed would be a nightmare. How would I put food on the table? Pay my bills? Buy my masculine-hygiene products?

Well, you know what they say about what happens when you assume: you end up looking like an asshole.

Turns out, being unemployed is much easier than I ever dreamed it could be.

Some of it depends on who you know. I immediately turned to Cochran for advise. As Lavina Avenue's longest-running town drunk, he was sure to be full of knowledge. Dude's NEVER had a job!

Local Vasectomy Party Goes Terribly Wrong


In a cruelly ironic twist of circumstance, a local vasectomy party hosted by janitor Scarpino Smith to celebrate the end of his most recent six-week long relationship, resulted in at least three unwanted pregnancies, and exactly zero vasectomies.

"Clearly, this party did not go as intended," said Mr. Smith. "Which isn't to say it wasn't a success, just that there were unanticipated consequences."

According to attendees, the party started last Wednesday around 9 P.M., but then "really got started" at 12:30 A.M. "on the dot," according to judge Joe "Hank" Joseph, when three accredited Entertainers from Jiner's Gentlemen's Club arrived.

"Those girls are never late," said Mr. Joseph. "Except, that is, when three of them were late a few days later."

Most of the attendees had started drinking heavily as soon as they arrived, a testament, they all agree, to the party-throwing standards Mr. Smith holds himself to.

"I always have the place to the nines when I throw a shin-dig," he said. "Ample supplies of top-shelf booze, the best cocaine, the best strippers, and what I thought were going to be the best vasectomies."

The operations, designed to keep sperm from entering one's semen, were to be performed by Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti, best known for his appearances on The Mayor McBill Show, and his best-selling book Mind the Stepchildren: Your balls and your health.

Dr. Chakravorti arrived around 10 o'clock, presumably to begin preparations for the vasectomies, slated to begin at 11.

"He brought all his tools and shit," said Asian sous chef Timmy Q. "Like his vasectomy tools or whatever. I was very optimistic."

"Dr. Chak came very highly recommended," said Mr. Smith. "The word on the street is that he performs the best vasectomies on Lavina Avenue. No trace of sperm."

However, Dr. Chakravorti never had a chance to showcase his vasectomy prowess. Soon after arriving, at the behest of Mr. Q, he started drinking his first of many beers.

"I wanted to thank him in advance for all the vasectomies," said Mr. Q. "And to steady his hand. I always need a drink before doing something important.

"Looking back, I may have started the celebration a little early."

Dr. Chakravorti's first beer turned into several more, as well as shots of hard alcohol.

"I wanted to do a shot of Jack with the guy who was going to give me my first vasectomy," said Mr. Joseph.

It wasn't long before Dr. Chakravorti was highly inebriated, to the point that he could not perform even the most basic of surgeries.

"Oh, man, we were all so wasted," said town drunk Cochran. "What a great party."


The lack of vasectomies at this vasectomy party was not lost on everyone.

"This was finally going to be my chance," said Coach Gay Sutton, who said he only went to the party for the free vasectomy, and the chicken wings.

"Most places I go, wings cost ten cents a piece, so it's nice to come here and get them for free," he continued. "But vasectomies, those are really expensive. It would have been beyond nice to get a vasectomy. It would have been a dream come true.

"I'll have to keep saving. Maybe next year."

Exactly whose semen impregnated the accredited Entertainers, and how, remains a mystery.

"There was semen everywhere," said the Most Reverend J. Proie of the Temple of Awesomeness, there to bless the surgical instruments, not to receive a vasectomy, as he's been vasectomised for years. "More semen than I've ever seen in one place."

"Those women could have been impregnated from simply walking past that room, that's how much jizz was in there," said Dr. Chakravorti. "I should know, I'm a published author."

Sexual congress may also be to blame.

"You know how Scarpino's parties are," continued Dr. Chakravorti. "A little of this, a little of that, a little vaginal intercourse."

"Basically what happened is that everyone at this vasectomy party behaved as though they had gotten vasectomies before they got vasectomies," said vasectomy expert Dicky Bloads.

"For some reason, they've already gotten into the mindset that they can get their semen anywhere without consequence, which they can, once they've actually had a vasectomy."

None of the baby-daddies have been made public as yet, but an anonymous source close to Mr. Smith says he is already making arrangements to conceal his income in order to avoid child support payments.

"It was a good party," said Mr. Smith. "It was a great party, actually. How many parties have you gone to where three strippers got pregnant?

"The next vasectomy party will have a lot more vasectomies," he continued. "Obviously."

April 5, 2011

He Said/She Said: Ripper's Car

by Jen Sally-Wag, teacher

Apartment 3 has a long, storied history of shitty cars. Who can forget Professor Lawrence’s 1982 Tercel? Top speed: 37 MPH. 

Or the Chevy station wagon that Dobbins found that one summer on Phish tour, with the family of snakes living inside of it?

Cochran had a wheel-barrow for a while, but I’m not sure that counts.

But Ripper’s car? Wow, that car is a piece of shit.

Even compared to other 1988 Dodge Shadows, the purple hunk of junk that Ripper drives around is embarassing. It’s a miracle that it’s still on the road. Also, possibly illegal.

For one, you can hear him driving home from three blocks away. With that tell-tale wheeze, and high pitch screech, I'm not sure if it's Ripper's car or a horse giving birth.

It’s also all the little things that suck about his car. Don’t expect to be able to open the trunk while the car is running. There's no trunk release. Or maybe it’s broken. Ripper has to turn the car off and walk around and unlock the trunk himself, which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't bitch about it the whole time. 

The McDonald’s cups filled with months worth of cigarette butts and fingernail clippings aren’t exactly adding to the atmosphere.

And what about the color? Who the hell drives a purple car? With a pink racing stripe, no less!

If it was my car, I would get it painted a different color immediately. Of course, Ripper would probably have it painted pink to match that faggy racing stripe.

Actually, if it was my car, I would get a bike and leave that piece of shit in the garage.

By Ripper, masseuse

First of all, let's get one thing straight: my car is not purple, it's maroon. Big difference.

As for the rest of my car, you don't know the half of it. My car is a total piece of shit. Drive it for a week and then get back to me, if you ever get it to start. 

I can't even stop at a stop sign without the damn thing stalling.

Maybe if I changed the oil every so often it would help, but fuck it. I'm not putting any more money into that hunk of junk.

Of course, I wouldn’t call what I do at stop signs “stopping.” The brakes are totally shot. I’m legally not allowed to drive through school zones any more. I have to use the parking brake to have any chance of coming to a complete stop.

I can actually feel the thing rusting out from underneath me while I’m driving, and sometimes you can actually hear the insides falling apart. Every time I go over a bump or even a small rock the fucking bumper falls off. 

So I would say that my car is definitely a total piece of shit. When it finally dies I'll be so happy. Maybe I’ll splurge and get a Saturn next time.

April 4, 2011

What's the Point of Getting a Pet That You Can't Eat Later?


There's been a lot of talk around the apartment about getting a pet. As you would expect, most of that talk has focused on getting either a cat or a dog.

I see the appeal. Cats are pretty relaxed, and dogs are friendly, if a bit slobbery.

I've known a lot of both in my time, mostly alley cats and junk-yard dogs, and for the most part, we've always gotten along.

So when I say that we should think about something outside the cat-dog paradigm, it's not coming from any ill feelings towards either, but from a strictly pragmatic perspective.

What I am saying is that, if we're going to invest in getting a pet for the apartment, shouldn't it be one that we can eat when we're done with it?

It's only practical. With the economy the way it is, there's no way to tell what the future is going to bring. There could very well come a time when food is scarce and we're going to be hungry.When that happens, having a dog or a cat will seem like a pretty stupid idea.

There are many options here. A lot of fish in the sea, so to speak, which would require a complicated and expensive aquarium system, so let's focus on land animals for the time being.

Pigs make fabulous pets. They're friendly, will eat almost anything you put in front of them, and, really, it all comes down to a single word for me: bacon.

A duck or a goose would be good, too. Those aren't as big, so we'd have to get a few. That's fine by me, as long as they don't go through my underwear box and eat my bottle-cap collection like the last goose did. Which was delicious, by the way.

Some people like rabbits, and even though I agree that they are totally cute and cuddly, sometimes they can be a tad too gamey for me. When I'm looking for something gamey, I'll just kill one of the deer that hang out in the yard and eat that.

Let's think outside of the box if we're going to get a pet. We should see a pet as not just companionship, but as an investment in our future.

These are not typical times, and a cat or dog will just not do. Edible pets are not just for hobos any more.

April 3, 2011

Rev. Proie Finally Able to Spill Image of Christ Onto Shirt


Following nearly an hour of spilling various liquids on himself at varying angles, the Most Reverend J. Proie of Apartment 3's Temple of Awesomeness was finally able to spill the image of Jesus H. Christ onto a t-shirt.

"This is proof that Jesus lives inside all of us," said Rev. Proie. "But mostly, he lives in my clothes."

April 2, 2011

PlayStation Dies Tragically


In the wee hours of Saturday morning, The PlayStation, a mainstay of Apartment 3 since its founding in 1998, was destroyed beyond repair in a tragic accident involving gambling, alcohol, and vomit, according to eyewitness accounts and inspectors at the scene.

"This is an absolute tragedy," said plumber Jen Habel shortly after hearing of the incident. "I'm not sure the apartment will ever recover from this. It's heart-wrenching."