June 18, 2011

Bank Executives Seek Further De-Regulation, Larger Boats

Even after passage of recent legislation by Mayor McBill allowing ApartmenCorp 3 Bank, Apartment 3's only bank, to use so-called "coercive lending practices," executives at the company are calling on Mr. McBill to further de-regulate their industry.

"The measures that we're proposing are an absolute must if we're to remain viable," said AC3B president Ryan Barth. "Time is critical."

According to Mr. Barth, if profits at the bank do not increase significantly by the end of the fiscal quarter, his large quarterly bonus, as well as the bonuses of all AC3B executives, will be reduced to what he refers to as a "pittance."

"In this industry, your bonus is what you're working for," he said. "It's how you pay the bills, and how you buy your boats."

Mr. Barth says that he and many of his fellow AC3B executives are severely under-prepared for the upcoming Lake Lavina boating season.

"Surely, anyone can see that my current boat is not capable of hosting the sorts of events that a bank president hosts," he said. "It would barely classify as a yacht."

The law passed last month permitted AC3B to do what loan sharks have been doing in Apartment 3 for years, most notably threats and/or use of bodily harm and death.

"Unfortunately, when you put somebody's head in a vise and tighten it until their eyeballs pop out, that doesn't help your bottom line," said financial expert Dicky Bloads.

"At least not right away, and boating season always sneaks up on you."

The new law would allow AC3B to seize any property they desired from their customers if they were delinquent in their payments.

"Did you know that as the law is currently written, if somebody misses a payment on a loan, we're not allowed to take any of their belongings as payback?" said Mr. Barth. "Outrageous."

Mr. McBill is considering whether to take further action.

"I'd have to look at the specifics of what's being asked for," he said. "There are a lot of factors."

Mr. McBill and Mr. Barth are scheduled to talk about the matter in a closed-door session on Monday.

One stipulation that Mr. McBill has laid out before negotiations begin is that he will not permit any agreement that threatens his yacht's status as the largest on Lake Lavina.

"The S.S. Love Hut is the queen of the lake," he said. "Nobody messes with that."