April 5, 2011

He Said/She Said: Ripper's Car

by Jen Sally-Wag, teacher

Apartment 3 has a long, storied history of shitty cars. Who can forget Professor Lawrence’s 1982 Tercel? Top speed: 37 MPH. 

Or the Chevy station wagon that Dobbins found that one summer on Phish tour, with the family of snakes living inside of it?

Cochran had a wheel-barrow for a while, but I’m not sure that counts.

But Ripper’s car? Wow, that car is a piece of shit.

Even compared to other 1988 Dodge Shadows, the purple hunk of junk that Ripper drives around is embarassing. It’s a miracle that it’s still on the road. Also, possibly illegal.

For one, you can hear him driving home from three blocks away. With that tell-tale wheeze, and high pitch screech, I'm not sure if it's Ripper's car or a horse giving birth.

It’s also all the little things that suck about his car. Don’t expect to be able to open the trunk while the car is running. There's no trunk release. Or maybe it’s broken. Ripper has to turn the car off and walk around and unlock the trunk himself, which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't bitch about it the whole time. 

The McDonald’s cups filled with months worth of cigarette butts and fingernail clippings aren’t exactly adding to the atmosphere.

And what about the color? Who the hell drives a purple car? With a pink racing stripe, no less!

If it was my car, I would get it painted a different color immediately. Of course, Ripper would probably have it painted pink to match that faggy racing stripe.

Actually, if it was my car, I would get a bike and leave that piece of shit in the garage.

By Ripper, masseuse

First of all, let's get one thing straight: my car is not purple, it's maroon. Big difference.

As for the rest of my car, you don't know the half of it. My car is a total piece of shit. Drive it for a week and then get back to me, if you ever get it to start. 

I can't even stop at a stop sign without the damn thing stalling.

Maybe if I changed the oil every so often it would help, but fuck it. I'm not putting any more money into that hunk of junk.

Of course, I wouldn’t call what I do at stop signs “stopping.” The brakes are totally shot. I’m legally not allowed to drive through school zones any more. I have to use the parking brake to have any chance of coming to a complete stop.

I can actually feel the thing rusting out from underneath me while I’m driving, and sometimes you can actually hear the insides falling apart. Every time I go over a bump or even a small rock the fucking bumper falls off. 

So I would say that my car is definitely a total piece of shit. When it finally dies I'll be so happy. Maybe I’ll splurge and get a Saturn next time.