January 27, 2011

He Said/She Said: Steroids

by Jen Habel, handiwoman

I'm not bitching just because I'm down by seven runs going into the bottom of the ninth. I've been saying this since the beginning: by selecting the San Francisco Giants you have turned this game of MLB '05 into a goddamn circus. 

Everyone knows that Barry Bonds is the embodiment of steroids giving an unfair advantage to a player. His three home runs and nine RBIs in this game are proof of that.

Clearly my selection of the Pittsburgh Pirates was not the wisest of decisions. They are outmatched at almost every position, and seems the PlayStation is programmed to make them commit defensive errors at an unreasonable rate. But at least I can be certain that one of the reasons they are a poor selection for video baseball is that they are steroid-free. When I lose, I do it fairly.

The argument can be made that every team has its share of juicers, but Bonds is so blatant about it. Look at his "Stat Points": Hitting: 99, Power: 99, Overall: 90. This man can barely walk, yet he's the best hitter in the game.

Even with the sub-par resolution on this TV, you can clearly make out his giant forehead, bulging muscles and minuscule testicles.

Look really close.

I'm not going to file a formal protest regarding this game; All I want is for you to admit that using a team with a flagrant steroids user is condoning that behavior, and calls into question the integrity of the entire institution of video baseball.

I'd also like to point out that I think my "X" button is sticking.

by God's Gift to Video Games

Steroids make you better at video games? Why didn't anyone tell us this before? We probably don't need the help, but there's always room for improvement. Does anyone know where we can get some of those Steroids?

Of course we are already totally buff. We work out 16, sometimes 20 hours a day to maintain these rippling abs, these bulging guns, these thighs that make even non-Frenchies say "Ooo la la!"

The other day, Matt lifted up the front end of a Dodge Charger with his neck. Why? Because he can.

Unfortunately, for those of us who aspire to be remembered forever, not simply accomplish to the best of our ability, natural bulk is not good enough. Therefore, it is imperative that Barry Bonds call, write, email or otherwise contact us with information on how to obtain that shit.

We are fully aware of the side effects, and are prepared to purchase larger hats and smaller underwear.

Like Spider-Man, we recognize that with great power comes great responsibility. We will gladly take time out of our personal lives to spread the message to area children that our feats of strength are no illusion, and can only be performed with the aid of physique-altering chemicals that they should not take under any circumstances until they're adults and able to grapple with such a decision, or at least until they're on an important high school sports team, like football or something.

We would even bring in samples of what Barry provides us, to show the kids what they should avoid, and maybe let one or two of the biggest kids take a dose so they know what it feels like, in case anyone ever puts some in their milk, or whatever kids drink.

Not only do we completely reject your assertion that somehow we're cheating, or tarnishing the game of video baseball, we think that everyone should be taking steroids.

If they make you better at something, why WOULDN'T you take them? Where's the integrity of the game if everyone isn't doing everything they can to win?