April 8, 2011

Local Vasectomy Party Goes Terribly Wrong


In a cruelly ironic twist of circumstance, a local vasectomy party hosted by janitor Scarpino Smith to celebrate the end of his most recent six-week long relationship, resulted in at least three unwanted pregnancies, and exactly zero vasectomies.

"Clearly, this party did not go as intended," said Mr. Smith. "Which isn't to say it wasn't a success, just that there were unanticipated consequences."

According to attendees, the party started last Wednesday around 9 P.M., but then "really got started" at 12:30 A.M. "on the dot," according to judge Joe "Hank" Joseph, when three accredited Entertainers from Jiner's Gentlemen's Club arrived.

"Those girls are never late," said Mr. Joseph. "Except, that is, when three of them were late a few days later."

Most of the attendees had started drinking heavily as soon as they arrived, a testament, they all agree, to the party-throwing standards Mr. Smith holds himself to.

"I always have the place to the nines when I throw a shin-dig," he said. "Ample supplies of top-shelf booze, the best cocaine, the best strippers, and what I thought were going to be the best vasectomies."

The operations, designed to keep sperm from entering one's semen, were to be performed by Celebrity Doctor Roger Chakravorti, best known for his appearances on The Mayor McBill Show, and his best-selling book Mind the Stepchildren: Your balls and your health.

Dr. Chakravorti arrived around 10 o'clock, presumably to begin preparations for the vasectomies, slated to begin at 11.

"He brought all his tools and shit," said Asian sous chef Timmy Q. "Like his vasectomy tools or whatever. I was very optimistic."

"Dr. Chak came very highly recommended," said Mr. Smith. "The word on the street is that he performs the best vasectomies on Lavina Avenue. No trace of sperm."

However, Dr. Chakravorti never had a chance to showcase his vasectomy prowess. Soon after arriving, at the behest of Mr. Q, he started drinking his first of many beers.

"I wanted to thank him in advance for all the vasectomies," said Mr. Q. "And to steady his hand. I always need a drink before doing something important.

"Looking back, I may have started the celebration a little early."

Dr. Chakravorti's first beer turned into several more, as well as shots of hard alcohol.

"I wanted to do a shot of Jack with the guy who was going to give me my first vasectomy," said Mr. Joseph.

It wasn't long before Dr. Chakravorti was highly inebriated, to the point that he could not perform even the most basic of surgeries.

"Oh, man, we were all so wasted," said town drunk Cochran. "What a great party."


The lack of vasectomies at this vasectomy party was not lost on everyone.

"This was finally going to be my chance," said Coach Gay Sutton, who said he only went to the party for the free vasectomy, and the chicken wings.

"Most places I go, wings cost ten cents a piece, so it's nice to come here and get them for free," he continued. "But vasectomies, those are really expensive. It would have been beyond nice to get a vasectomy. It would have been a dream come true.

"I'll have to keep saving. Maybe next year."

Exactly whose semen impregnated the accredited Entertainers, and how, remains a mystery.

"There was semen everywhere," said the Most Reverend J. Proie of the Temple of Awesomeness, there to bless the surgical instruments, not to receive a vasectomy, as he's been vasectomised for years. "More semen than I've ever seen in one place."

"Those women could have been impregnated from simply walking past that room, that's how much jizz was in there," said Dr. Chakravorti. "I should know, I'm a published author."

Sexual congress may also be to blame.

"You know how Scarpino's parties are," continued Dr. Chakravorti. "A little of this, a little of that, a little vaginal intercourse."

"Basically what happened is that everyone at this vasectomy party behaved as though they had gotten vasectomies before they got vasectomies," said vasectomy expert Dicky Bloads.

"For some reason, they've already gotten into the mindset that they can get their semen anywhere without consequence, which they can, once they've actually had a vasectomy."

None of the baby-daddies have been made public as yet, but an anonymous source close to Mr. Smith says he is already making arrangements to conceal his income in order to avoid child support payments.

"It was a good party," said Mr. Smith. "It was a great party, actually. How many parties have you gone to where three strippers got pregnant?

"The next vasectomy party will have a lot more vasectomies," he continued. "Obviously."