April 10, 2011

Ripper to Start Doing Push-Ups


Minutes after eating an entire eighteen-inch cheesesteak sandwich followed by half a box of Thin Mint cookies on Sunday night, local degenerate Ripper announced his intention to start doing push-ups again, perhaps as often as every morning.

“I’ve gotta get serious about getting back into shape,” Mr. Ripper said through a cloud of cigarette smoke. “It’s getting ridiculous.”

At first, Mr. Ripper’s plan was to begin his new regimen Monday morning, but he quickly decided that it might be best to start right away.

“No time like the present,” he said. “Time to see what I’m packing.”

Mr. Ripper then got down on the floor, into what he thought was a proper push-up position.

“Wow, it’s been a while,” he said before getting back up to finish his cigarette. “Just give me a minute.”

Onlookers in the living room tried their best to ignore Mr. Ripper.

“Again with the push-ups?” asked bartender Jen Grinspan. “He does this like once a week. There’s no chance in hell he’s going to do push-ups every day. I don’t think he really knows how.”

“This is going to be hilarious,” said bookie Shifty Sanchez as Mr. Ripper was getting back down on the ground. “I’d put the over/under at one-and-a-half push-ups.”

Mr. Ripper then managed to do four push-ups, though his form was suspect.

“Those weren't push-ups,” said coach Gay Sutton. “It looked like he was doing the worm, but in one place. Can he seriously not even do one real push-up?”

“What do you mean? Those were totally push-ups,” said Mr. Ripper as he lit another cigarette.

“But I should be able to do more than four. I could have done a lot more if I hadn’t just eaten a big meal. And I probably should have warmed up or something first. And been less drunk.”

Mr. Ripper has been meaning to institute an exercise routine into his life for years now, and he believes push-ups are the place to start.

“If I start every day off like that, pretty soon I’ll be doing tons of push-ups,” he said. “Then maybe I’ll move on to more intense exercises.”

The four half-assed push-ups Mr. Ripper did on Sunday night represent the only physical activity he’s done in almost half a decade, with the exception of playing video games and smoking.

“He constantly tells me he wants to play basketball with me, but he always finds a reason to back out,” said town drunk Cochran, who claims to have had dozens of pick-up basketball sessions with Mr. Ripper canceled at the last minute.

“The last time he cancelled, he said it was because he had to put gas in his car,” Mr. Cochran continued. “I don’t even know how that’s a real excuse.”

To hear Mr. Ripper himself tell it, beginning his new push-up regimen is a turning point in his life.

“It’s time to start getting my shit together,” he said. “I’m getting back in shape. I’m going to start eating right and drinking less. Then I’m going to quit smoking.

“Starting tomorrow, of course, so I might as well get shit-hammered tonight.”

As of press time, Mr. Ripper had not yet done his daily push-ups, but claimed he was going to start very soon.

“Ugh, I’m so hungover,” he said from the living room couch. “But as soon as I’m done eating this box of Pop Tarts, I’m going to do [push-ups].

“And if not today, then definitely tomorrow.”