May 23, 2011

Sources: Rapture Delayed Until Schwarzenegger Scandal Dies Down


High-ranking officials within the pearly gates of Heaven have told the Apartment 3 Gazette on Monday that the Rapture, originally scheduled for this past Saturday, has been rescheduled in order to let the Arnold Schwarzenegger infidelity scandal play out.

“It was a last-minute decision,” said Steve Richardson, Heaven’s vice-president of public relations. “The Rapture is about God’s chosen people ascending to Heaven, but it’s also about owning the news cycle.”

With reports of Schwarzenegger’s love child captivating news rooms around the country, Heaven decided that this weekend just wasn’t the time.

“It was gut-wrenching, to pull the plug like that,” said Carlos Lopez, Heaven’s chief operating officer. “The Rapture had been scheduled for that date for so long -- an eternity, really -- but the call had to be made.”

Not only is the Schwarzenegger scandal as it stands commanding a huge audience, but, according to Mr. Richardson, additional leaks will make the story all the more tantalizing.

“We have, obviously, access to all sorts of information here in Heaven,” said Mr. Richardson, “and [the Schwarzenegger scandal] is only going to get worse. There’s more kids, more women...

“Not even the Rapture can compete with that.”

Mr. Lopez agrees, insisting that if the Rapture is not the number one news story of the week, then it’s not worth having.

“The Rapture is meant to capture the attention of the unsaved and make them realize that the life they’ve been leading is sending them to hell,” he said. “If it’s not doing that, then what’s the point?”

God could not be reached for comment on the Rapture’s delay.

May 20, 2011

Apartment 3ers Prepare for Rapture


With the Rapture scheduled for tomorrow at 6 P.M., Apartment 3ers are busily preparing for the return of Jesus H. Christ and the end of life as we know it.

“There hasn’t been a big event around here since the Super Bowl,” said Asian sous chef Timmy Q. “I’ve been working my ass off, and I could use a day to chill out and party a little.”

Many are stocking up on essential supplies in case the End Times lead to the closure of local shops and markets.

“I got twelve cases of beer,” said coach Gay Sutton. “It should be enough, depending on how long this shit lasts. Looting is always an option. I've also stocked up on shotguns and ammo.”

Some Apartment 3ers are looking forward to Armageddon.

“It’s going to be so great to not have to go back to work on Monday,” said teacher Jen Sally-Wag. “I don’t think I can take another day with those damn kids.”

Rapture experts point out that while Jesus will be returning tomorrow and taking the true believers with him to a better place, God will not actually be destroying Earth to show his love for Humanity until October.

“There’s going to be Hell on Earth for a few months,” said the Reverend J. Proie of Apartment 3’s Church of Jesus. “Earthquakes, flooding, seas of blood. All the cool shit.”

For some Apartment 3ers, that doesn’t sound like such a bad prospect at all.

“That’s only a few months of pure suffering,” said banker Ryan Barth. “It’s not so bad. At least it’s not eternity.

“The way I look at it, five months of Hell is a fair trade-off for never having to go to church.”

May 19, 2011

Hawking: Heaven Is a Myth, But Hell Is Totally Real


In an interview this week with The Guardian newspaper, renowned physicist Stephen Hawking reiterated his belief that there is no such thing as Heaven, calling it a “fairy story,” but that Hell is very much an actual realm of existence in the afterlife.

“I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail,” Mr. Hawking said.

“There is no heaven for broken down computers, that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark,” he continued. “There is, however, a Hell. That is totally real.”

Mr. Hawking, who was diagnosed with motor neurone disease at the age of 21, says he is not looking forward to what the afterlife has to offer.

“I have lived with the prospect of an early death for the last 49 years,” he said. “I'm not afraid of death, but I'm in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first.

“Plus, Hell is a really awful place. I’d like to avoid it as long as I can.”

Hell, a place of endless pain and suffering for the damned, is known for its towers of flames and tortuous punishment.

“Gnashing of teeth, eternal fire, all that stuff is real,” said Mr. Hawking. “Did you know that your intestines turn into worms? Yuk.”

Mr. Hawking claims that the existence of God is not necessary to explain the creation of the universe, but that He does use his irrevocable judgement to send all human souls to Hell to suffer the consequences of sin.

“Traditionally, Hell if for the sinners of the world,” Mr. Hawking said. “But, let’s be honest, that’s everybody.”

May 18, 2011

Trump Backs Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Being Mayor of Douchetown


After weeks of rampant speculation regarding his potential candidacy, famous asshole Donald Trump announced on Monday that he will not seek the presidency, choosing instead to keep his focus on the office he currently holds, the Mayor of Douchetown.

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the presidency,” he said in a statement.

“I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Mr. Trump continued. “However, my position as the Mayor of Douchetown is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to walk away from that yet.”

Mr. Trump has been the Mayor of Douchetown since January, following the exit of Simon Cowell.

The term has no set limit, though if he had chosen to leave now, his would have been the shortest term as Mayor of Douchetown since Ashton Kutcher served for two months in 2003 as part of a prank for the MTV show Punk’d.

“There’s a lot of unfinished business in Douchetown, to be sure,” said Mr. Trump. “And I assure all Douches out there that I’m the one to do it.”

There’s one thing on Mr. Trump’s Douchetown to-do list that he’s already been able to cross off.

“He’s fulfilled his campaign promise of pretending to run for president in order to get some attention for a reality TV show,” said political analyst Andrew Clarke. “That’s quite an accomplishment considering his short time in office to this point.

“He may even get around to having his balls shaved and buffed on international television,” continued Mr. Clarke. “The ultimate Douchetown move.”

Naturally, the possibility of Mr. Trump stepping down as Mayor of Douchetown instantly sparked online speculation on his replacement.

Professional idiot Sarah Palin has shrugged off rumors that she was considering a run at becoming Douchetown’s first female mayor, insisting she is perfectly happy as the Queen of Teabaggers.

May 17, 2011

Thor Reboot Announced


Only ten days after its theatrical release, the superhero film Thor has grossed nearly $120 million and landed at the top of the box office charts both weeks. This is in addition to being well-received by critics.

“Thor has proven to be a fantastic property for us,” said Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige. “The public has embraced the character and the universe that surrounds him. Now is the time to take advantage of that.”

In order to capitalize on the surging popularity of Thor, Mr. Feige says, the studio has begun the process of launching a reboot of the film.

“The audience has spoken, and they want more of this character,” Mr. Feige continued. “We’re hoping they want to see him in a way they’ve never seen before.”

According to reports, the studio already has a script in place for the Thor reboot, tentatively titled Thor: Reborn, written by James Vanderbilt, also the writer of the upcoming Spider-Man reboot.

“It’s going to be a more contemporary look at the character,” said an anonymous source inside Marvel who has seen Vanderbilt's script. “The reboot will take that origin story but tell it in a way that is for today’s audience. Expect it to be darker and a little rougher around the edges.”

Mr. Feige couldn’t give any details regarding the reboot, since negotiations continue with directors and actors, but said fans can expect something distinct from the current Thor.

“It will be a complete re-imagining of this world,” he said. “It will look different, feel different, even smell different.”

Mr. Feige also confirmed that the Thor reboot would not affect the already-in-the-works Thor sequel.

Thor 2 is still on track and is looking at a summer 2013 release date,” he said. “It looks to be another great film in the Thor universe, and we’re looking forward to the day that we can reboot that one, too.”

May 16, 2011

Report: Bin Laden's Porn Still in VCR


According to a report filed by U.S. intelligence officials, a large stash of pornography was found in the Abbottabad, Pakistan, compound of Osama Bin Laden by the Navy Seals and CIA forces who carried out the orders to kill him.

The commandos who found the stash confirmed that they were first alerted to the existence of Mr. Bin Laden’s pornography collection when they found a copy of Debbie Does Dallas in his VCR.

“It was quite the surprise,” a U.S. counter-terrorism official said to reporters on the condition of anonymity. “The rest of the collection was extremely well hidden. We never would have thought to even look for it if we hadn’t found that tape.”

The VHS tape itself was stopped seven minutes into the 80-minute film, suggesting that Mr. Bin Laden was in too much of a hurry to put the tape back in its proper place.

“It could have been he was watching it when [U.S. Forces] began their raid of his compound,” the official continued.

“Whenever it was that he was watching it, he was clearly not in his right state of mind when he turned it off. Otherwise, he certainly would have remembered to put it back in its hiding spot.”

The rest of Mr. Bin Laden’s porn collection was kept in a secret compartment located within the floorboards under Mr. Bin Laden’s mattress.

“It’s a great hiding spot,” said the official. “Not that it does a lot of good when you leave your porn in the VCR.”

Analysts for the State Department have concluded that Mr. Bin Laden was very much a “traditionalist” when it came to adult entertainment.

“His taste in porn was for the long-form narratives popular in the seventies and early eighties,” said pornography expert Dicky Bloads.

“He clearly preferred movies with character development and story, not just big dicks and boobs. Although those were clearly important to him as well.”

May 9, 2011

Trump: "No Way to Know Bin Laden is Dead Until I've Skull-Fucked His Corpse"

Famous asshole Donald Trump on Monday denounced the Obama administration’s decision give Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden a burial at sea, saying that he and every other American deserved more concrete evidence of his death.

“We need real confirmation,” Mr. Trump said in a press conference held in a nearby Denny’s. “And there’s no way to know for sure if Bin Laden is dead until I’ve skull-fucked his corpse.”

“I am sick of the arrogance of Obama and his administration,” Mr. Trump continued. “There is certainly something very strange about the way they disposed of [Mr. Bin Laden’s] body. The American people deserve better.”

Mr. Trump has announced plans to recover Mr. Bin Laden’s corpse “by whatever means necessary.”

“I have people working on it,” he said. “It’s amazing what they’re finding. His corpse is still extremely skull-fuckable, from what I’m hearing.”

Asked if seeing a photo of the dead body, or perhaps first-hand testimony of the execution would dissipate his doubts, Mr. Trump scoffed.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from, we don’t take for granted the death of our enemies. We remove the eye-balls from their skull and put our penis inside the ocular cavity.

“This is very simple, folks.”

Mr. Obama has so far refused to comment on Mr. Trump's demands directly, instead choosing his words carefully when the subject was broached at a Rose Garden press conference .

“Look, everybody’s going to have their own threshold for evidence,” the President said. “I can’t allow -- as much as I’d like to -- I can’t allow every American to stick whatever they want into Bin Laden’s corpse.”

After Mr. Obama’s press conference, Mr. Trump was unavailable for further comment, as his table by the window had just opened up.

May 3, 2011

Is This Tuxedo T-Shirt Classy or What?
by Cochran, town drunk

Woo-wee, this is one fancy party. Look at all these fine, fine ladies getting all gussied up!

And the gents, so strapping!

I feel as though I jumped up to a higher tax bracket the very moment I drunkenly stumbled into this formal cocktail party, or whatever it is.

Ah, and booze too. Wonderful. 

Luckily, I've come prepared for just such an occasion.

It so happens that under this beer-stained hoodie I'm sporting the cutting edge in eveningwear technology: It's a t-shirt that's also a tuxedo!

Aren't I dashing? No, I'm not James Bond. The name is Cochran. 

Yeah, just Cochran. 

I have to say, I'm probably the classiest dude at this party. Not only is this sweet shirt recently laundered, I used fabric-softener this time. You can still kind of smell the Mountain Mist freshness, even though I've been wearing it for three days. 

I'm feeling quite high-falutin' tonight, so I think I'll pass on my usual pint glass full of room-temperature vodka. Let me have the champagne instead. 

Whoa, not so fast. I drink it straight from the bottle. 

It seems cold in here. Do you feel a draft? I guess that's a small price to pay for going balls-out and getting a shirt that's nearly 40% cotton. 

I'm not sure if it's the champagne or what, but I have to take a major shit all of a sudden. Where's the dump-bucket around here?

And whenever you feel like being a dear and opening up another bottle of bubbly for me, you can send it in there. I'm going to be a while.