May 20, 2011

Apartment 3ers Prepare for Rapture


With the Rapture scheduled for tomorrow at 6 P.M., Apartment 3ers are busily preparing for the return of Jesus H. Christ and the end of life as we know it.

“There hasn’t been a big event around here since the Super Bowl,” said Asian sous chef Timmy Q. “I’ve been working my ass off, and I could use a day to chill out and party a little.”

Many are stocking up on essential supplies in case the End Times lead to the closure of local shops and markets.

“I got twelve cases of beer,” said coach Gay Sutton. “It should be enough, depending on how long this shit lasts. Looting is always an option. I've also stocked up on shotguns and ammo.”

Some Apartment 3ers are looking forward to Armageddon.

“It’s going to be so great to not have to go back to work on Monday,” said teacher Jen Sally-Wag. “I don’t think I can take another day with those damn kids.”

Rapture experts point out that while Jesus will be returning tomorrow and taking the true believers with him to a better place, God will not actually be destroying Earth to show his love for Humanity until October.

“There’s going to be Hell on Earth for a few months,” said the Reverend J. Proie of Apartment 3’s Church of Jesus. “Earthquakes, flooding, seas of blood. All the cool shit.”

For some Apartment 3ers, that doesn’t sound like such a bad prospect at all.

“That’s only a few months of pure suffering,” said banker Ryan Barth. “It’s not so bad. At least it’s not eternity.

“The way I look at it, five months of Hell is a fair trade-off for never having to go to church.”