May 3, 2011

Is This Tuxedo T-Shirt Classy or What?
by Cochran, town drunk

Woo-wee, this is one fancy party. Look at all these fine, fine ladies getting all gussied up!

And the gents, so strapping!

I feel as though I jumped up to a higher tax bracket the very moment I drunkenly stumbled into this formal cocktail party, or whatever it is.

Ah, and booze too. Wonderful. 

Luckily, I've come prepared for just such an occasion.

It so happens that under this beer-stained hoodie I'm sporting the cutting edge in eveningwear technology: It's a t-shirt that's also a tuxedo!

Aren't I dashing? No, I'm not James Bond. The name is Cochran. 

Yeah, just Cochran. 

I have to say, I'm probably the classiest dude at this party. Not only is this sweet shirt recently laundered, I used fabric-softener this time. You can still kind of smell the Mountain Mist freshness, even though I've been wearing it for three days. 

I'm feeling quite high-falutin' tonight, so I think I'll pass on my usual pint glass full of room-temperature vodka. Let me have the champagne instead. 

Whoa, not so fast. I drink it straight from the bottle. 

It seems cold in here. Do you feel a draft? I guess that's a small price to pay for going balls-out and getting a shirt that's nearly 40% cotton. 

I'm not sure if it's the champagne or what, but I have to take a major shit all of a sudden. Where's the dump-bucket around here?

And whenever you feel like being a dear and opening up another bottle of bubbly for me, you can send it in there. I'm going to be a while.