August 24, 2011

Cochran Can't Stop Watching Top Chef Marathon


When town drunk Cochran was making his morning plans, he thought he would start off the day with a little television-watching.

"I usually like to have something to look at while I'm taking down my first Bloody Mary of the day," he said from the couch Tuesday evening. "I never thought I would be sitting here all day long."

Mr. Cochran's idleness seems to be the result of one of the most addictive -- and often overlooked -- forces in the universe: the reality-TV marathon.

The culprit on this occasion is Bravo's Top Chef, a series dedicated to following 15 aspiring chefs as they compete for their shot at culinary stardom.

"What a privilege it would be to be crowned a Top Chef," said Mr. Cochran. "Or, rather, the Top Chef. Let's face it, there's no higher honor than winning a reality-TV series."

Reality-TV analyst Andrew Clarke says that Mr. Cochran's plight is more common amongst Apartment 3ers than many realize.

"It is hard to deny the awesome power of Bravo's programming," said Mr. Clarke. "They are clearly the leader in finding the Toppest in any profession, and subsequently broadcasting that search."

Mr. Cochran is especially vulnerable to the appeal of a reality-TV marathon.

“The editing of these series give the impression of dramatic tension between every commercial break, and when in the form of a marathon it’s hard to know where one episode ends and another begins,” said Mr. Clarke. “Especially when a viewer, such has Cochran, has had a few adult beverages.

“With his slowed reaction time and poor judgment thanks to his boozing, he’s just asking to be devoured by Top Chef, or really any reality-TV series.”

"For years the TV industry had relegated marathons to holidays and the week between Christmas and New Year's Day,” said television expert Dicky Bloads.

“But now, programmers have found that viewers are just as likely to waste an entire Saturday, Sunday, any day, in front of the TV, so what better way to capitalize on that than by putting shows on that you can't stop watching?"

"I can stop whenever I want to," said Mr. Cochran. "But I don't want to. Right before every commercial break, some real serious shit is always about to go down.

"Like, will Tom Colicchio be impressed with the effort Michael put into his Doritos and jellybean casserole, or will he call it uninspired? Can Betty be as cutting-edge as that douche-bag Marcel?

"This show is absolutely mesmerizing."

Mr. Cochran has shown no signs of ending his obsession anytime soon.

"Thankfully I don't have anything else to do," he said. "I can drink and watch this at the same time, so I'm living up to all of my responsibilities."

As of press time, the Top Chef marathon was almost over, but a Project Runway marathon is scheduled immediately afterward.