September 8, 2011

Robertson: Texas Wildfires Punishment for Rick Perry's Vasectomy


Televangelist Pat Robertson said on Wednesday’s 700 Club that the wildfires blazing across the state of Texas are God’s way of punishing the state for electing their vasectomised governor, Rick Perry.

“Vasectomies are sins. People forget that,” said Mr. Robertson during the opening segment of the Christian news talk show. “The people of Texas forgot that, and now they are being punished.”

Thanks to record heat and drought, Texas is currently suffering through the worst fire season in its history. As of Tuesday, 125 wildfires were burning, most of which can be accounted for by the Wrath of God, according to Mr. Robertson.

“The state is burning for the sins of its leader,” he said.

Mr. Perry, a Republican presidential hopeful who famously received a vasectomy from his father-in-law, cut short a campaign trip to return to Texas in order to survey damage done by the wildfires, and to counter the attack by Mr. Robertson.

“I didn’t think it was a sin, honestly,” said Mr. Perry to reporters outside Bastrop, site of one of the largest fires. “It was just a little snip. Really? Can I just confess or something?”

Based on Mr. Robertson’s investigations, God has a long history of using his powers of Death and Destruction to punish states, countries and even entire planets for their indiscretions.

Many of Mr. Robertson’s earlier claims -- for instance, that the 2010 Haiti earthquake was caused by the country’s 1791 deal with the Devil, and that Hurricane Katrina was God’s response to America’s abortion policy -- have proven to be true, according to Mr. Robertson.

“God can’t speak in words, except to a few people such as myself,” Mr. Robertson said. “He mostly communicates through natural disasters.”

Some in the religious community question whether God would burn down 3.6 million acres and nearly a thousand homes because of a governor’s choice of birth control.

“In my experience, He is kind of ambivalent about [birth control],” said the Reverend J. Proie of Apartment 3’s House of Jesus. “I’ve been vasectomised for a long, long time. Pat Robertson did leave me a weird voice mail years ago, telling me that my church was going to be hit by a series of tornadoes, but so far that hasn’t happened.”

If Mr. Robertson is to be believed, however, it is only a matter of time before the House of Jesus is leveled.

“Any form of birth control is a horrible, horrible sin,” he said later in the 700 Club broadcast. “And vasectomies are the nuclear holocaust of birth control.

“Semen without sperm is the ultimate affront to God, and the followers of vasectomites will pay with their homes, their livelihoods, and sometimes their lives.”

As of press time, God could not be reached for comment.