October 3, 2011

Vatican Unveils First-Ever Abstinence Glory Hole


VATICAN CITY -- On Sunday the Vatican celebrated the Grand Opening of the world’s first so-called “abstinence glory hole” with a lavish ceremony in Saint Peter’s Square attended by Pope Benedict XVI himself.

Prominently displayed just outside Saint Peter’s Basilica and housed in a gilded domicile befitting the Holy King Himself, the Hole is a living embodiment of the Roman Catholic Church’s complex and ever-evolving view of human sexuality.

The church has for decades struggled to gain relevancy in a world increasingly hostile to Catholic views and values. The Holiest of Holes, as the abstinence glory hole is officially designated, is a direct response to the exploding popularity of the traditional glory hole.

In a conventional glory hole experience, the patron will usually have stumbled upon the glory hole in public restroom, biker bar or abandoned paper mill. A penis -- or a penis-shaped object -- is then inserted into the glory hole.

The ways in which the experience with the anonymous person on the other side of the hole progresses from there will vary from glory hole to glory hole, but it always results in heinous carnal acts that defile the Name of God.

That is, until now.

“We hope to show the glory hole users around the world that the Catholic Church has a place for them,” said Vatican spokesperson Shecky Goldstein. “And we have glory holes too.”

Using the Holiest of Holes is a far cry, however, from a run-of-the-mill glory hole that one could find in your average neighborhood gay bar.

Here, the glory-holer is led through a hall intricately carved with scenes detailing glory holes throughout history and Christendom, and then into a chamber off of the main room whereupon a ritual is led by a specially trained priest, the duration of which is generally not exceeding four to five hours.

Inside, a white curtain covers up a circular, gold-rimmed hole cut in the middle of the wall, a fresco of Jesus and the Madonna tastefully adorn the space around it. A soft beam of natural light shines in from a stained glass skylight overhead.

Once inserted into the Hole, the user experiences spiritual enlightenment and the all-encompassing joy of knowing The Lord, but no physical gratification of any kind.

“There is no one on the other side,” said Mr. Goldstein of the abstinence glory hole. “Only the Lord with His infinite love. How more glorious can it be?”

Cardinal Pocadilla of the Vatican gave a statement further clarifying the Church’s stance on the matter.

“The traditional heathen glory hole has always been a bit of a thorn in our side. It represented the worst of worldly temptations, a near-irresistible Siren of the sexual world,” he said.

“Even the most devout Christian Soldier could be dashed on the rocks of hole-related sexual depravity,” Card. Pocadilla continued. “We substitute God’s Love for cheap thrills. What we’re doing here is juxtaposing the glory of God against the Satanic sin of glory-holing.”

While the line to use the Holiest of Holes stretches for nearly a mile around Saint Peter’s Square, the response from those that have used it has been varied at best.

“How is this even a glory hole?” said Steve Lennon, an American visiting the Vatican on his vacation. “This was church’s last chance to get me back, but I couldn’t even get a hand job out of it.”

“What a waste of an afternoon.”