October 26, 2011

Wall Street Executives Stage 'Occupy Walmart' Demonstrations


NEWINGTON, CT -- Police officials managed to keep the peace at a local Walmart parking lot on Monday after nearly a dozen top Wall Street executives staged a protest against what they are calling “unfair access to the lowest prices. Always.”

“We have had enough of the bottom 99% getting all the hot deals,” said Carlton Peterson, III. “There’s not a Walmart, or even a Target, anywhere near my gated community.”

Dubbed the Occupy Walmart movement, protesters have not yet clearly articulated their demands, though most seem to have a general resentment toward the Walmart clientele and their ilk, which is almost everybody else.

“We’re tired doing all the hard work of lifting trade restrictions and lowering minimum wages while these freeloaders get all the benefits,” said Elaine Chaftingsworth of Citibank. “What’s the point of using all this child labor if only 99% of the population gets the advantages associated with doing so.”

Some of the actions by the protesters have included acts of civil disobedience. Mr. Peterson, for example, had his butler purchase over nine-hundred dollars worth of Martha Stewart brand doilies and slacks from the store, then had them burned in the middle of the parking lot.

Police chief Edward Grunderson said that while several laws have been broken by the protesters, no one has been taken into custody.

“We usually let anything go in a Walmart parking lot anyway,” he said. “Plus, these guys are way too rich to arrest. I don’t need the headache.”

Lloyd Blankfein, CEO and chairman of Goldman Sachs, suggested a march through the store’s automotive department holding his “I Shaved My Balls For This?” sign.

After a short deliberation with his fellow executives, however, stepping inside the big-box retailer was deemed “a little too gauche” for the protesters, and the march was outsourced to undocumented Mexican day-laborers, who were conveniently waiting at the Home Depot across the parking lot.

“I can’t believe I was considering stepping foot in there,” Mr. Blankfein said through layers of flop-sweat and fine Cuban cigar smoke. “The place smells like a petting zoo, even from here.”

The protesters have so far been reluctant to interfere with business at the store itself, as many of them are major shareholders in Wal-Mart Stores Inc., but many of the store’s regulars have had their daily routines disrupted.

“I’s just trying to get some buckshot and mudflaps, and Carlton Sissypants over here is yellin’ about my minimum wage and all that,” said a shopper who would only identify himself as “Bubba.” “I thought we wiped out them commie hippie-types by now.”