Apartment 3ers Looking Forward to Trampling Fellow Shoppers to Death on Black Friday

FOR MOST APARTMENT 3ERS, BLACK FRIDAY IS THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO BE A PART OF AN ANGRY MOB.

---

Jen Sally-Wag, a teacher and longtime Apartment 3er, has been taking advantage of Black Friday sales since she was a child.

“My mother and I used to get up hours before dawn,” she said. “It’s the only way to take advantage of all the hottest deals. And to make sure you’ve got a good spot in the mob for when it’s time to trample people to death.”

Study: Obesity Epidemic Linked To Delicious, Delicious Food

SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THERE MAY BE A CORRELATION BETWEEN INSANELY FAT PEOPLE AND THE EXISTENCE OF BACON-CHEESEBURGER PIZZA.

---

In a landmark study released on Monday, researchers with the American Obesity Institute have discovered a link between the country’s escalating obesity epidemic and fabulously delicious food.

My Record of Hand-Job Creation Speaks for Itself

By HERMAN CAIN, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

The tough issue facing America today is the economy. Whether your family is having trouble paying the mortgage, falling behind on student loans, or even finding it difficult to fill up your gas tank, millions of people are struggling.

To bring prosperity back to our country, it’s time we got serious about job growth. To reach full employment we are going to have to come up with more than twenty million jobs, a daunting task in any economic environment.