February 27, 2017

Televised Circle-Jerk Goes Awry

LOS ANGELES — One of the country’s largest and most respected televised circle-jerks went amiss Sunday night when the final jerk-off was given to the wrong jerkee. Event organizers are still scrambling to find out what went wrong, as protocols and safeguards were either not in place, or not sufficient to prevent a jerk-off gone wrong. The final jerk-off of the night is widely considered the most important and prestigious of all the jerk-offs given at the event.

January 20, 2017

What I'm Most Looking Forward to is Overseeing Multiple Race Wars


I want to thank all of you again for this wonderful, absolutely terrific opportunity. I’m going to do so many great things, you watch, so many great things, that you won’t even believe it. My presidency will be the best, the absolute best presidency.

You all know many of the great, wonderful things I’m going to do as president. And they are wonderful, so great. The wall. Everyone knows the wall. It’s going to be so tall, and beautiful. Such a beautiful wall, you’re going to love it.