November 21, 2020

Sidney Powell: Yeah, Sure, Aliens Too

Sidney Powell, an attorney representing golf course manager Donald Trump in his attempt to overturn this month's U.S. presidential election that he lost decisively, suggested that perhaps life forms from another world could be involved in the plot to swing the results toward Joe Biden, the president-elect.

At a press conference on Thursday, after making accusations that the conspiracy stretched from such far-ranging actors as the long-dead Hugo Chavez to computer code developed in Germany, Ms. Powell was asked by the Gazette whether any alien beings could also be involved, perhaps orchestrating the stolen election from the beginning of life on Earth.

"Yeah, sure," Powell said. "Aliens too. Certainly from this galaxy, perhaps more from outside it. We just don't know how far this goes."

The involvement of earth-bound supernatural forces has not been ruled out either, however Powell says that as of now, no evidence has been presented to her that would suggest it.

"I've not come across anything that alleges any vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, or the like, were involved here," said Powell. "Not yet. But now that you mention it, it does seem plausible, so I would expect by tomorrow we'll know more. I'll have to check with the president."

November 20, 2020

Demon Within Giuliani Nearly Escapes


The interdimensional Lizard Demon that resides within Rudy Giuliani, attorney for golf course manager Donald Trump, came close to escaping on Thursday during a nearly two-hour press conference in Washington, DC.

The demon — known to beings of its kind as Ciphurious, Lord of Tongues — was summoned six years ago by Giuliani as a way to seek favor with, and prove his value to, Mr. Trump, who at that time was flirting with a bid for the presidency of the United States.

The press conference during which the escape attempt was made was held by Giuliani on behalf of Trump, who is currently serving the end of his term as president. It was an event filled with high tension, and it seems as though the demon saw an opportunity.

"During moments of stress, or crippling anxiety, that is the best time to free oneself from a host being," said demon expert Dickey Bloads. "Their guard can be down ever so slightly, which can be enough for an experienced Demon Lord."

Ciphurious came so close, in fact, that some of the nutritive bile that surrounds his life energy leaked through the cloak of dark magic that encases the demon within the form of Mr. Giuliani.

"This was an extremely close call," said Mr. Bloads in an interview with the Gazette. "There's no telling what a freed Lizard Demon would do in this dimension. Believe it or not, Giuliani's human essence is the only thing keeping Ciphurious from committing cosmically despicable acts."



November 17, 2020

Trump: No Concession Until Participation Trophy Received

Following a decisive defeat in the recent U.S. presidential election, golf course manager Donald Trump, currently serving as president, has so far refused to concede the loss in public. He has, however, recently hinted that he could offer a concession under certain conditions.

"I believe absolutely that I should get a trophy, at the very least," Trump said at an impromptu news conference Tuesday afternoon. "Or a plaque, something very nice. Not cheap. I finished very strongly in the election. Second place. Or, in my opinion, first."

Mr. Trump also believes that his 2020 electoral map should be commemorated in some form. "I won a tremendous amount of the electoral college," he said. "I got 232 of them. Some people are saying that's more than anybody's ever had before. So, we can turn that map into a poster, or maybe a flag, a beautiful flag."

"I just don't see how I can win 232 electoral colleges, and still lose the election," Trump continued. "If I get a trophy, or maybe even a medal, I could be happy with it."

November 16, 2020

Jared Kushner Finishes Filling Out Starbucks Application

Facing an upcoming move from Washington, DC, to his previous home in New York City, Jared Kushner has recently put the finishing touches on his application to work for Starbucks, the Seattle-based multinational chain of coffeehouses.

Kushner got his current position through his father-in-law, golf course manager Donald Trump, who is currently serving as president of the United States.

But the job only runs through the beginning of next year, so he knew it was time to start looking for other opportunities, and going back to New York seemed right.

"We already have a home there," Kushner said of the Park Avenue residence he shares with his wife and children. "And there are a lot of places nearby to get a job."

Starbucks seemed like a good fit because of his scattered work history and weak skill-set. 

"I appreciate the experience I got in Washington," Kushner said, "but it's kinda hard to quantify what I was doing there on a resume. I did a lot of running around and getting coffee, so I have that going for me."

If he had his way, Kushner would get a position at the Madison Avenue location near his home, so he would be able to walk to work. 

"It's just so much easier that way," he said. "But I'm not going to be too picky."

Kushner is still waiting on a letter of recommendation from Mr. Trump, which he hopes will be enough to secure a spot in management. 

"It's taking a lot longer than I'd anticipated," Kushner lamented. "I'm going to send in the application tomorrow regardless. Honestly, I wouldn't mind working my way up. I have lot to learn."

November 10, 2020

Trump: Up To 80 Million Americans Involved In Plot To Steal Election

In a series of sweeping allegations, golf course manager Donald Trump, currently serving as president of the United States, claimed that as many as 80 million Americans could have been involved in a plot to steal the presidential election for former vice-president Joe Biden.  

"It's a very sad thing that's happening to our country," Trump said at a press conference Tuesday afternoon. "Many, many votes that should not be counted are being counted. And many people are in a scheme to rig this election, millions of people, to keep me from winning."

Asked to specify how many Americans he felt were directly involved in the conspiracy, Trump said that it was "in the tens of millions. Way over half of the electorate."

After assuring that his administration would be investigating "very strongly," Trump went on to speculate about the reasons the majority of registered voters engaged in such a coordinated effort.

"It could be because all of these people hate America," he said, meaning the nearly 51% of Americans who voted for Biden. "And they know I love America, so they want me to lose.

"I don't know. It could be like that Body Snatchers movie," Trump continued. "I didn't really understand it too well, but maybe it's something like that, where bug zombies take over everybody's body and they do something they don't really want to do. 

"Or maybe it's China," he said, without providing any specifics.

Before concluding his press conference, Trump said that he would wait until all votes were properly counted before announcing exactly how many Americans were involved in the plan.