November 20, 2020

Demon Within Giuliani Nearly Escapes


The interdimensional Lizard Demon that resides within Rudy Giuliani, attorney for golf course manager Donald Trump, came close to escaping on Thursday during a nearly two-hour press conference in Washington, DC.

The demon — known to beings of its kind as Ciphurious, Lord of Tongues — was summoned six years ago by Giuliani as a way to seek favor with, and prove his value to, Mr. Trump, who at that time was flirting with a bid for the presidency of the United States.

The press conference during which the escape attempt was made was held by Giuliani on behalf of Trump, who is currently serving the end of his term as president. It was an event filled with high tension, and it seems as though the demon saw an opportunity.

"During moments of stress, or crippling anxiety, that is the best time to free oneself from a host being," said demon expert Dickey Bloads. "Their guard can be down ever so slightly, which can be enough for an experienced Demon Lord."

Ciphurious came so close, in fact, that some of the nutritive bile that surrounds his life energy leaked through the cloak of dark magic that encases the demon within the form of Mr. Giuliani.

"This was an extremely close call," said Mr. Bloads in an interview with the Gazette. "There's no telling what a freed Lizard Demon would do in this dimension. Believe it or not, Giuliani's human essence is the only thing keeping Ciphurious from committing cosmically despicable acts."